Kumar Patel Congratu-****in'-lations!
Most-quoted character in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004): in 43 of its 74 quotes
Most scenes with: Harold Lee (20), Neil Patrick Harris (3), Freakshow (2)
Roldy! Roldy! Dude, you gotta come quick. There's these two filthy pussies just aching to get boned by us! [total silence] I mean--duh--that there are these two lovely young pussies who would like to have a chat with you and I.
More lines from Kumar Patel
12 quotes Kumar Patel Kumar Patel Thank you, come again.
Kumar Patel Dude, am I going deaf or did he just say we could **** his wife?
Kumar Patel [in dream, spits at a bag of marijuana]
Bitch! Learn how to ****in' make coffee, you **** whore!
Kumar Patel Shotgun anus!
Kumar Patel [after falling on the ground, holding his head]
Ow-w-w! My ass!
Kumar Patel So she's kinda **** cute. Let her touch your penis.
Kumar Patel Hey, asshole, why don't you leave that guy alone and go jerk off to some snowboarding videos or something?
Kumar Patel Just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
Kumar Patel Hello-o-o-o, New Brunswick!
Kumar Patel She touch your penis?
Kumar Patel [last line before the credits]
Hey, Roldy, you do realize what's legal in Amsterdam, don't you?
Scenes with Kumar Patel
30 scenes
Did Doogie Howser just steal my **** car?
...The universe tends to unfold as it should.
Kumar What is that? Some fortune cookie?
Kumar [cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park] [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail]
Rold? Is that you?
Kumar?
Kumar Hey, are the cops still here?
What the hell are you doing?
Kumar I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?!
Kumar I'm **** starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.
Kumar [sniffs]
Hey, what's that smell?
What smell? Kumar.
Kumar [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]
Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you--?
I want that.
Kumar What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?
No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!
Kumar Are you saying what I think you're saying?
We gotta go to White Castle.
Kumar Yes! Yes! I knew you had it in you dude!
Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Dude, I don't even know where the **** I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X"--next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Huh?
It's a **** sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poon-tang. Then we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too--fur burgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers. [sings] Lap-dance.
Kumar [pause]
There's a gas station. I'm gonna see if I can get some directions.
You don't need dir--gah. Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
Kumar Look, chill.
We'll be right back, Neil.
Did Doogie Howser just steal my **** car?
Kumar Yes. I think he did.
Kumar Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy! How was I supposed to know he'd **** us over?
Dude, where's my car?
Kumar Where's his car, dude?
Kumar Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?
Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. [looks down to count money, lowers voice] Prick.
Kumar [walks up to a bush and starts peeing]
Ahh.
Kumar [Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him]
'Scuse me, I just--
Creepy Guy
Huh?!
Kumar I have to ask you, why'd you--wha--wha--why are you peeing right here?
Creepy Guy
What?
Kumar I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or--?
Creepy Guy
Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it?
Kumar Well, no one was here when I chose this bush.
Creepy Guy
Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh?
Kumar No, it's just--I just--
Creepy Guy
This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush?
Kumar No, I just thought that--
Creepy Guy
You the king of the forest?
Kumar I'm sorry?
Creepy Guy
What? You ****in' tree-hugger. Is this your special bush?!
Kumar Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight.
Creepy Guy
[they pee in silence for a bit] [quietly]
Nice pubes.
Kumar [pauses, creeped out]
Thanks.
Kumar Well, you were out cold, I figured if I started doing some gay shit you'd wake up.
Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar It ran away. Listen, I got some bad news and some worse news.
Okay, give me the worse news first.
Kumar I was looking at some of the roadsigns, and it looks like the cheetah took us in a completely different direction.
What's the bad news?
Kumar Your laptop's completely destroyed.
Kumar [calmly]
The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.
Dr. Patel
I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off.
Kumar
Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel
Daddy is not coming on anything!
Kumar I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.
C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.
Kumar Just say no. That's all it takes.
Kumar Here.
Kumar [hands Harold the joint]
Take a hit of that.
Hippie Student [Kumar trying to buy pot]
Here, that's sixt--80 bucks.
Kumar 80 bucks?
Hippie Student Yeah, 80 bucks.
Kumar Yo, this is worth 40 tops bro!
Hippie Student Bro? I'm not your bro, bro. Okay, and that's 80 bucks. You don't feel like getting high tonight? If you don't feel like getting high, that's cool with me because there's lots of people around here. See this guy? Hey, what's up, George? I smoke buds with George all the time.
Kumar What kind of a hippie are you?
Hippie Student What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand.
Dude, we're so high right now!
Kumar We're not low!
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid
Come on, dude. Just take one hit. Don't you wanna be cool?
I'm So High Kid
[takes drag of joint, makes a womanly cough sound]
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid
Hey, man, what are you doin'?
I'm So High Kid
I'm so high!
I'm So High Kid
[laughs]
Nothing can hurt me.
Don't You Wanna Be Cool Kid
[puts pump-action rifle in mouth and pulls trigger]
No-o-o!
Announcer
Marijuana kills.
Harold and Kumar crack up laughing
Kumar I love that shit!
Kumar Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.
Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Kumar Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
[assailants stop beating up the two guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the two men lay on the ground moaning]
Let's get the **** outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
Kumar Yeah, that was your fault.
**** you.
Kumar **** you.
Burger Shack Employee Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one, just makes me want to burn this mother****er down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this mother****er down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this mother****er down! [starts destroying stuff] Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! [calms down] So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
Kumar You can always get your work done in the car.
Let's do it.
Kumar All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen--no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?
Agreed.
Burger Shack Employee [shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound]
Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
Burger Shack Employee Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those.
Kumar Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
Kumar Both.
Dr. Willoughby Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I really don't have a desire to go to med school.
Dr. Willoughby But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar Yeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Kumar Dude, ****in' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.
I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.
Kumar I want the same except make mine diet cokes, Chuck.
Kumar I forgot my cell phone.
You wanna run back and get it?
Kumar [both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]
No, we've gone too far.
What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar Shit! Shit!
I most certainly did not!
Yes you did!
Did not!
Kumar Yes you did!
Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar You did, you did.
You sure?
You said it!
Kumar How were Katie Holmes' tits?
You know the Holocaust?
Kumar Yeah?
Picture the opposite of that!
Kumar Nice!
Kumar [in surgery]
Hang on a second, nurse. What we should probably use is marijuana. That'll sufficiently sedate the patient for surgery.
Male Nurse Marijuana? But why?
Kumar We don't have time for questions. We need marijuana now, as much of it as possible! Like a big bag of it.
What kind of name is that anyhow? Kumar? What is that five o's or two u's?
Kumar No, it's actually one "u".
Yeah, bullshit.
Kumar [whispering]
Dude, look at that boil on his neck, it's pulsating!
Kumar [whispering]
No, he can't. Look at it now! Pus is coming out!
Kumar [whispering]
Isn't that the sickest thing you've ever seen?
[whispering]
Just shut up! He's right next to me. He can hear me talking to you He probably heard this whole conversation!
Kumar [whispering]
No, he didn't. He can't hear anything with all that crust in his ear.
[Later, at Freakshow's house]
It's gonna take me awhile to fix your car...so if you want, you can go inside, get something to drink, wash up, **** my wife.
Kumar So where you going to go now, Neil?
