Harold Lee [to Maria in elevator, after seeing luggage at her feet]
Sure got a lotta baggage.
2nd most-quoted character in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004): in 27 of its 74 quotes
Most scenes with: Kumar Patel (20), Freakshow (2)
I'll tell these girls how you both got gonorrhea from that prostitute in Atlantic City.
More lines from Harold Lee
3 quotes Harold Lee Harold Lee [about to ride cheetah]
This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.
Harold Lee Did Doogie Howser just steal my **** car?
Scenes with Harold Lee
23 scenes Harold ...The universe tends to unfold as it should.
What is that? Some fortune cookie?
Harold So what are you in here for?
Jackson
For being black.
Harold Seriously?
Jackspn
I am serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Evidently a black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
Harold Holy shit, what'd you do?
Jackson
I kept saying, "I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me."
Harold I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.
Jackson
Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park] [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail]
Rold? Is that you?
Harold Kumar?
Hey, are the cops still here?
Harold What the hell are you doing?
I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Harold Jesus Christ, what'd you do that for?!
I'm **** starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.
Harold What smell? Kumar.
[starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]
Harold Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you--?
Harold [Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]
Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!
Harold I want that.
What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?
Harold No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Harold We gotta go to White Castle.
Yes! Yes! I knew you had it in you dude!
Harold Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Dude, I don't even know where the **** I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X"--next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Harold Huh?
It's a **** sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poon-tang. Then we'll go to White Castle.
No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too--fur burgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers. [sings] Lap-dance.
You don't need dir--gah. Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
Look, chill.
Harold We'll be right back, Neil.
Harold [they exit the car]
Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
Harold Did Doogie Howser just steal my **** car?
Yes. I think he did.
Harold [starts screaming]
You! You had to pick up a hitchhiker! Why?!
Dude, I thought Neil Patrick Harris was a stand up guy! How was I supposed to know he'd **** us over?
Harold Dude, where's my car?
Where's his car, dude?
Harold [Kumar is licking Harold to wake him up]
What the **** are you doing?! God!
Well, you were out cold, I figured if I started doing some gay shit you'd wake up.
Harold Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
It ran away. Listen, I got some bad news and some worse news.
Harold Okay, give me the worse news first.
I was looking at some of the roadsigns, and it looks like the cheetah took us in a completely different direction.
Harold What's the bad news?
Your laptop's completely destroyed.
Harold [shouts]
How is that not the worse news?
[calmly]
The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.
I can't believe you were gonna ditch for the Joy Luck Club, dude. You know what their parties are like.
Harold C'mon, what did you want me to say? I was under pressure.
Just say no. That's all it takes.
Here.
Harold Dude, we're so high right now!
We're not low!
Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.
Harold Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
Harold, Kumar [two guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]
Holy shit!
Harold [assailants stop beating up the two guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the two men lay on the ground moaning]
Let's get the **** outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
Yeah, that was your fault.
Harold **** you.
**** you.
Burger Shack Employee Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one, just makes me want to burn this mother****er down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this mother****er down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this mother****er down! [starts destroying stuff] Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! [calms down] So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
You can always get your work done in the car.
Harold Let's do it.
All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen--no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?
Harold Agreed.
Burger Shack Employee [shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound]
Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
Harold [bursts out laughing] [Smirks]
Semen.
Burger Shack Employee Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
Harold Are those my scissors?! Dude, I trim my noise hair with those.
Dude, I have been cutting my ass hair with them for the past six months.
Harold [riding a cheetah]
Dude, am I really high, or is this actually working?
Both.
Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching "The Gift". Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl, and I'm gonna see her boobs.
The things I would eat out of her ass--you have no idea!
Argh! That is a completely vulgar statement.
So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Touch?.
Harold I am so hungry. I'm gonna eat, like, 20 of those burgers, man.
Dude, ****in' I will see your 20 burgers and raise you 5 orders of fries.
Harold I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.
I want the same except make mine diet cokes, Chuck.
Harold Back off **** boy, what I said him goes double for you.
J.D. **** boy? You just call me **** boy?
Harold Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling 'cause you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D. You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough! **** boy! (raises index finger in sad attempt to flip Harold off)
I forgot my cell phone.
Harold You wanna run back and get it?
What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Harold Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Shit! Shit!
I most certainly did not!
Harold Yes you did!
Did not!
Yes you did!
Oh, no, I didn't.
You did, you did.
You sure?
Harold You said it!
Harold Do you know the show Doogie Howser, M.D.?
Great show. God I love that show. Doogie.
Harold Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.
Hey! NPH wouldn't do that!
Harold [whispering]
Shut up, dude. He probably heard what you just said.
Harold [looks at Freakshow's neck]
Ugh!
Harold [whispering]
Just shut up! He's right next to me. He can hear me talking to you He probably heard this whole conversation!
[Later, at Freakshow's house]
It's gonna take me awhile to fix your car...so if you want, you can go inside, get something to drink, wash up, **** my wife.
