Wednesday Come, sorrow; we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.
Dearly beloved...
Wednesday Shh! Quiet!
[Grandmama starts piling dirt on the box]
And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday They had sex.
It's a boy.
Wednesday It's a girl.
Gomez!
What news?
Wednesday Father, what is it?
Wednesday Pugsley, the baby weighs 10 pounds, the cannonball weighs 20 pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday Which do you think?
The cannonball?
Wednesday Very good. But which one will bounce?
The baby?
Wednesday There's only one way to find out. Ready? 1... 2... 3...
Cara mia!
Oh, dear.
Children, why do you hate the baby?
We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday Especially his head.
Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday Yes.
Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday Yes.
Well, that's just not true. [She sighs wistfully] Not anymore.
Oh, just sibling rivalry! Gomez, do you remember what we were like? I hated you!
I despised you!
I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!
I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!
When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!
You did?
Brother! [He flings Uncle Fester into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty knives conveniently lying on the table, flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughs hysterically through it all, although the last four are done with Gomez's back to him]
Children, you see?
Wednesday Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic. [Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in half] Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one. [Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white dress and bonnet] You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?
Wednesday Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block. [Pugsley lays Pubert down in the guillotine] 1... 2...
Wednesday Playing! [solo] ...3! [She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the blade in his fingers] Woe to the Republic.
Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday Prevent them? [She lights a match]
All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question: Where is that baby?
Wednesday Which part?
Hello, kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday Hello, Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.
Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?
Wednesday Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Wednesday He's not a brat.
Wednesday Fine. Rub it in!
It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday It means "orphan."
Hi, I'm Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like that?
Wednesday Like what?
Like you're going to a funeral. Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday Wait.
Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Boys?
Wednesday Homicide.
Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday Is that your overbite?
Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
I'll be the victim!
Wednesday All your life.
Wednesday And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me, so I'll have to prove my power." And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.
[all of the girls scream]
Barclay, Cesselman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans, Barclay, Finley, Fisher, Gingham, Ginley, Harper.
Wednesday Oh, no.
What is it?
Wednesday This is unspeakable.
Is something wrong, Wednesday? Bad news?
Wednesday This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of human events. Uncle Fester's getting married.
A wedding? But that's great news!
To whom?
Wednesday The nanny.
Get out of the cabin. I mean, I'd kill myself. The help?
I'm sure she's a very nice lady.
I think that's disgusting. I think their whole family's like some weird medical experiment. I think they're like, circus people.
Campers! Group hug!
Wednesday... Pugsley. Will a hug hurt us?
Wednesday We don't hug.
Oh, they're just shy.
We're not shy.
Wednesday We're contagious.
I'm sensing some friction here. Somethin' not quite Chippewa.
Mm-hmm.
But, hey, no problemo. All they need are good friends, good fun, and a little time in the Harmony Hut.
Wednesday What are you in for?
I wouldn't go horseback riding.
Wednesday That's all?
And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday Why not?
I just wanted to read.
Wednesday Hurry up!
I'm coming.
Wait!
Wednesday Who's there?
Be careful. Tetanus.
There they are! I saw them sneak out.
Children, what do you think you're doing?
Wednesday We have to see our family. It's very important.
More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?
And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.
I-I have to get out of here. I have allergies.
Yes.
I think they should be punished. [starts chanting] Punish!
No! No! We are not here to punish. We are here to inspire.
Campers? Do you know what I think our little ninja friends here need? Do you know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right all around?
What?
Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.
Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Wednesday What?
I die.
Wednesday Do you believe in the existence of evil?
Well, did you met my mom?
Wednesday My uncle Fester's about to get married to this woman in a white uniform.
A radiologist.
Wednesday A nanny.
Wednesday It's not binding.
Tramp.
Wednesday "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."
Wednesday "When you are grown up and very lonely, you will understand. Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man.
But aren't they extinct?
Wednesday They are now.
Wednesday I don't want to be in the pageant.
Don't you want to help me realize my vision?
Wednesday Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, and the Aristotelian unities.
Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
Yes, indeedy, just the ticket: "Bambi."
"Lassie Come Home."
"The Little Mermaid."
Wednesday Stop it!
Wednesday I'm not perky.
That's for damn sure.
Wednesday Wait!
What?
Wednesday We cannot break bread with you.
Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Wednesday "You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides. You will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims. Especially Sarah Miller."
Gary, she's changing the words.
Wednesday And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
I'll never forget you.
Wednesday You won't?
You're too weird. Cara mia.
Wednesday Mon cher.
Wednesday You sent us to camp. They made us sing.
A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?
Wednesday Physical pleasure.
Ooohhh!
Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?
Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, go back to your room!"
Wednesday Disturbing.
Wednesday, do you think that maybe someday you might want to get married and have kids?
Wednesday No.
But what if you met the right man, who worshipped and adored you? Who'd do anything for you? Who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?
Wednesday I'd pity him.
Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.
What do you mean?
Wednesday If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.
How?
Wednesday I'd scare him to death.
No, you wouldn't. [He kneels at Debbie's grave] We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best. [He reaches out to put flowers on the grave. Suddenly, a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]
