Gomez
[to Thing, after arm-wrestling him]
Good show, old man.
Morticia
Gomez.
Gomez
Cara mia?
Morticia
Marvelous news. I'm going to have a baby. Right now.
Scenes with Morticia
35 scenes Gomez
Morticia
Gomez
Morticia
Delivery Room Doctor
Nurse, how close are the contractions?
Delivery Nurse
Every 15 seconds, doctor.
Gomez
Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? My darling, is it torture?
Morticia
Oui.
Delivery Room Doctor
[to Morticia]
Push, Mrs. Addams. [Morticia just gives a light "hmm" with a brief rise of her eyebrow; to the Nurse] Forceps?
Forceps Nurse
Forceps. [giving the Doctor forceps] Forceps.
Delivery Room Doctor
Would you like anesthesia?
Morticia
No, thank you. But do ask the children.
Morticia
[walking into Pubert's nursery]
Oh, Gomez. It's dark, it's depressing, it's desolate.
Gomez
It
Morticia
It's a dream.
Gomez
Come, cara mia.
Gomez
[about Pubert]
He has my father's eyes.
Morticia
Gomez, take those out of his mouth.
Morticia
[to Gomez, after Pubert shoots a flaming arrow into the ceiling; happily to Gomez]
Did you see that?
Wednesday
Pugsley, the baby weighs 10 pounds, the cannonball weighs 20 pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley
I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday
Which do you think?
Pugsley
The cannonball?
Wednesday
Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley
The baby?
Wednesday
There's only one way to find out. Ready? 1... 2... 3...
Gomez
[She and Pugsly drop a cannonball from the roof. Gomez opening the window to enjoy the night air, and catching Pubert as he falls from the roof]
Cara mia!
Morticia
Oh, dear.
Lurch
[The cannonball lands on Lurch's head]
Grrrrr...
Gomez
Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley
We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday
Especially his head.
Morticia
Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday
[in unison with Pugsley]
Yes.
Morticia
Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday
[in unison with Pugsley]
Yes.
Grandmama
Well, that's just not true. [She sighs wistfully] Not anymore.
Uncle Fester
Oh, just sibling rivalry! Gomez, do you remember what we were like? I hated you!
Gomez
I despised you!
Uncle Fester
I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!
Gomez
I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!
Uncle Fester
When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!
Gomez
You did?
Uncle Fester
[laughs hysterically]
Ah, brother!
Gomez
Brother! [He flings Uncle Fester into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty knives conveniently lying on the table, flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughs hysterically through it all, although the last four are done with Gomez's back to him]
Uncle Fester
Children, you see?
Wednesday
Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic. [Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in half] Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one. [Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white dress and bonnet] You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?
Pugsley
[holding up Pubert, speaking in "baby voice"]
Guilty!
Wednesday
Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block. [Pugsley lays Pubert down in the guillotine] 1... 2...
Morticia
[from downstairs]
Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday
[in unison with Pugsley]
Playing! [solo] ...3! [She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the blade in his fingers] Woe to the Republic.
Gomez
Cara mia.
Morticia
Mon cher. One house, three children, so many windows. I'm just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It's just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.
Debbie Jellinsky
Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.
Morticia
The agency? But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a Doberman.
Morticia
Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?
Wednesday
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Morticia
[handing Pubert to Debbie]
You've had your shots? Measles, mumps, rabies?
Morticia
[Thing hops on Debbie's shoulder]
Thing, stop that.
Gomez
He likes you.
Debbie Jellinsky
[Debbie sucks on Thing's index finger. He shudders and falls off]
I'm good with my hands.
Morticia
Good night, Debbie.
Debbie Jellinsky
Good night.
Morticia
Scream if you need anything.
Morticia
All the important numbers: police, fire department, morgue.
Morticia
[in unison with Gomez]
Summer camp?
Gomez
[visibly disgusted]
Fresh air. The scent of pine. [He hands Pugsley a cigar]
Morticia
Wednesday, look at all of the other children, their freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles. Help them.
Morticia
Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen
Boys?
Wednesday
Homicide.
Debbie Jellinsky
I just can't tell, does he like me at all?
Morticia
Of course, he does. He vomited.
Debbie Jellinsky
That's true. Does he always do that with women he likes?
Morticia
Oh no. Just you.
Debbie Jellinsky
These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia
It has to be damp.
Uncle Fester
Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible... a miracle!
Gomez
The rash?
Morticia
It's gone?
Uncle Fester
I'm engaged!
Morticia
[Debbie shows them the ring]
That ring!
Gomez
It was our mother's. She was buried with it.
[Debbie holds up a shovel]
Gomez
At his request, I would rip out my eyes. At his command, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia
Why wait?
Morticia
So... you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez
Forever!
Morticia
I'll get them!
Morticia
We want to see Debbie and Fester.
Concetta
[turning around and shouting]
Miss DEBBIE!
Debbie Jellinsky
Debra!
Morticia
[at Debbie's house]
Where are we?
Grandmama
It looks familiar... Of course! The gates of hell.
Morticia
[to Debbie]
You have enslaved him. You have placed Fester under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
Debbie Jellinsky
Don't even think about it.
Morticia
You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But, Debbie...
Debbie Jellinsky
What?
Morticia
...pastels?
Gomez
[shouting]
I demand justice! Someone has married my brother!
Desk sergeant
[sarcastically]
No!
Gomez
She took him to Hawaii!
Desk sergeant
[cynically]
Get outta here!
Gomez
They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love constantly!
Desk sergeant
I hate when that happens.
Gomez
Arrest her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant
Who?
Gomez
Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant
Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez
Officer, you must issue a subpoena. I believe they own...
Morticia
Gomez, NO!
Gomez
[shouting]
A Buick!
Desk sergeant
Just leave, leave quietly, leave now. Don't make me call Ringling Brothers.
Gomez
[shouting]
Has the planet gone mad? My brother, passion's hostage. I seek justice - denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil! [as Grandmama waves Pubert in the air] I have seen horror! [as Lurch waves] I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!
Morticia
They're at camp.
Gomez
I have seen all this, officer. But until today, I had never seen... you!
Desk sergeant
Hook him, book him, cook him. Now!
Grandmama
[in Pubert's now lighthearted nursery]
Stay back! He's very sick!
Morticia
[Morticia and Gomez look over into his cradle to see a blond, rosy-cheeked, smiling baby]
My baby!
[Gomez faints]
Grandmama
Bingo! This kid knows somethings up, and unless Fester comes back, we're talking dimples.
Gomez
Not in this house!
Grandmama
He could stay this way for years! Forever! He could become... a lawyer.
Gomez
I won't listen!
Grandmama
An orthodontist!
Morticia
Mama! Stop!
Grandmama
President!
Gomez
[looking up above]
Please! I beg you! Take me! [He sobs openly]
Morticia
[Morticia is reading "The Cat in the Hat" to Pubert, who has golden curls and rosy cheeks]
Are you enjoying this? [sadly] To think, a child of mine! [she turns the page] "I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny. But we can have lots of good fun... that is funny." [flipping to the last page] Oh, no. He lives.
Morticia
My baby is ill, and my husband is dying. Oh, Mama, what shall I do?
Grandmama
Well, you have a black dress.
Morticia
[in a philosophical sighing tone]
Our whole family... together at last... three generations... above ground.
Debbie Jellinsky
[shouting from offstage, then suddenly appearing on the scene holding a ridiculous-looking fat-bodied old-fashioned sawed-off shotgun, which she pumps dramatically to chamber a shell]
IN-LAWS!
[Shluck-shlick!]
Debbie Jellinsky
[Debbie has the entire Addams family, plus Lurch and Thing, all rigged to electric chairs]
I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won't listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides. [showing slide pictures] My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. [the slide shows her as a child, smiling and opening a gift] I was 10, and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie.
Morticia
Malibu Barbie.
Gomez
The nightmare.
Morticia and Gomez
The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky
[flicking to the next slide of her throwing a bared-teeth temper tantrum]
That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a ballerina, graceful, delicate! They had to go.
[The next slide shot shows a burning house]
Morticia
Adieu, mon cher.
Gomez
Adios, cara mia.
