Debbie Jellinsky
Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.
Morticia
The agency? But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a Doberman.
Scenes with Debbie Jellinsky
30 scenes Debbie Jellinsky
Morticia
Debbie Jellinsky
[meeting Gomez]
Isn't he a lady-killer!
Gomez
[proudly]
Acquitted!
Morticia
[Thing hops on Debbie's shoulder]
Thing, stop that.
Gomez
He likes you.
Debbie Jellinsky
[Debbie sucks on Thing's index finger. He shudders and falls off]
I'm good with my hands.
Morticia
Good night, Debbie.
Debbie Jellinsky
Good night.
Morticia
Scream if you need anything.
Debbie Jellinsky
[to Pubert]
Hold still, you little brat!
Wednesday
He's not a brat.
Debbie Jellinsky
[whirling around, caught]
Of course not. He's an adorable little baby.
Wednesday
Fine. Rub it in!
Debbie Jellinsky
You know, when I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe.
Uncle Fester
You did?
Debbie Jellinsky
It's true.
Uncle Fester
But I took a bath!
Debbie Jellinsky
I just can't tell, does he like me at all?
Morticia
Of course, he does. He vomited.
Debbie Jellinsky
That's true. Does he always do that with women he likes?
Morticia
Oh no. Just you.
Debbie Jellinsky
These Addams men, where do you find them?
Morticia
It has to be damp.
Debbie Jellinsky
But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!
Uncle Fester
Store detectives.
Debbie Jellinsky
And I dreamed that when I met him that we would wait until our wedding night to give ourselves to one another, to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Uncle Fester
A goat?
Margaret Addams
What.
Debbie Jellinsky
Oh, I didn't say anything.
Margaret Addams
No, that's the baby's nickname, "What." From the obstetrician.
Uncle Fester
[as they are getting married, Fester tearfully recites his vows]
I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my un-ending love. [sobbing] I will worship you forever. I will devote my every waking moment to your happiness alone. [openly sobbing] Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave.
Debbie Jellinsky
[near indifferent]
Nice. [to Cousin Itt, who acts as minister] Ditto.
Debbie Jellinsky
Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester
Yes.
Debbie Jellinsky
Promise?
Debbie Jellinsky
[after Fester walks off the plane with leis around his neck, he approaches Debbie]
Fester?
Uncle Fester
Uh-huh?
Debbie Jellinsky
We may be together for a while.
Uncle Fester
All our lives, cara mia!
Debbie Jellinsky
What?
Uncle Fester
Mon cher.
Debbie Jellinsky
Speak English!
Uncle Fester
Pumpkin?
Debbie Jellinsky
And if I have to be seen with you, we need to make some changes.
Uncle Fester
Changes?
Driver
Mrs. Addams?
Debbie Jellinsky
Yes?
Driver
Your hearse, ma'am. Where's the body?
Debbie Jellinsky
[pointing to Fester]
He's right there.
Driver
But he's alive.
Debbie Jellinsky
Tell me about it!
Debbie Jellinsky
[shouting at moving men]
These are beautiful things! They're from catalogues!
Uncle Fester
I'm her husband.
Debbie Jellinsky
Fester!
Uncle Fester
Gimme a kiss.
Debbie Jellinsky
Gimme a 20.
Morticia
We want to see Debbie and Fester.
Concetta
[turning around and shouting]
Miss DEBBIE!
Debbie Jellinsky
Debra!
Morticia
[to Debbie]
You have enslaved him. You have placed Fester under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?
Debbie Jellinsky
Don't even think about it.
Morticia
You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But, Debbie...
Debbie Jellinsky
What?
Morticia
...pastels?
Grandmama
[waving a skull at Debbie]
Luxor, nexor, burst, and BURN!
Debbie Jellinsky
What is she doing?
Grandmama
Just a curse. Have a nice day. [She air kisses]
Debbie Jellinsky
Yes, I need to renew my passport. I'll be leaving the country very shortly.
Passport Clerk
Will you be traveling alone?
Debbie Jellinsky
Yes, I'll be a widow.
Debbie Jellinsky
FREEZE!
Uncle Fester
Pookie?
Debbie Jellinsky
I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.
Uncle Fester
What are you saying?
Debbie Jellinsky
I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Uncle Fester
But... but... don't you love me?
Debbie Jellinsky
[throws head back and cackles loudly]
Uncle Fester
Is that a no?
Debbie Jellinsky
[to Fester and Thing]
I'll get you - and your little hand, too!
Morticia
[in a philosophical sighing tone]
Our whole family... together at last... three generations... above ground.
Debbie Jellinsky
[shouting from offstage, then suddenly appearing on the scene holding a ridiculous-looking fat-bodied old-fashioned sawed-off shotgun, which she pumps dramatically to chamber a shell]
IN-LAWS!
[Shluck-shlick!]
Debbie Jellinsky
[Debbie has the entire Addams family, plus Lurch and Thing, all rigged to electric chairs]
I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won't listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides. [showing slide pictures] My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. [the slide shows her as a child, smiling and opening a gift] I was 10, and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie.
Morticia
Malibu Barbie.
Gomez
The nightmare.
Morticia and Gomez
The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky
[flicking to the next slide of her throwing a bared-teeth temper tantrum]
That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a ballerina, graceful, delicate! They had to go.
[The next slide shot shows a burning house]
Debbie Jellinsky
My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants.
Grandmama
What about your needs?
Debbie Jellinsky
"Sorry about dinner, Deb. The Pope has a cold."
Grandmama
[The next slide shows a shadow of an axe on the wall heading towards the Surgeon]
An axe! That takes me back.
Debbie Jellinsky
Husband number two. The senator. He loved his state, he loved his country!
Grandmama
What about Debbie?
Debbie Jellinsky
"Sorry, Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah? Set this!
[The next slide shows the Senator, panicking as car headlights approach him]
Debbie Jellinsky
My latest husband, my late husband, Fester.
Uncle Fester
The fool.
Debbie Jellinsky
The corpse. And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me?
Gomez
Hands!
[The Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]
Debbie Jellinsky
So I-I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn, and ache, and shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry?
[Morticia nods in sympathetic understanding]
Debbie Jellinsky
Good-bye everybody! Wish me luck!
The Addams Family
Good luck!
