[Dewey is on the phone, trying to sell one of his guitars]
Uh-huh. Yes. Yeah, it's a 1968 Gibson SG, mint condish. [pause] No. That's all? Well, that's a mistake. No, Hendrix played this guitar. [the person on the other end hangs up] Hello?!
[Dewey hangs up. The phone rings; Dewey answers it]
Yeah?
Mullins Is this Mr. Schneebly?
Mullins Oh, could you take a message for me?
Mullins Hi, my name's Rosalie Mullins. I'm the principal here at Horace Green Prep, and we're having a little emergency here; one of our teachers broke her leg on the way to school this morning, and all of our subs are already working. Pat Wickam at Milton Prep recommended I give Mr. Schneebly a call. Do you know if he's available?
Um... How long is the gig?
Mullins Excuse me?
Mullins My guess is as much as a few weeks, but we do need somebody to start immediately.
Mmm-hmm. So how much are we talkin' here?
Mullins We pay our substitutes 650 a week. Now, do you know when Mr. Schneebly will be back?
Hold on a sec... Oh, you know what? I think he's just comin' in right about... Ned, phone! [pretends to pass the phone, then speaks in a deep voice] Hello, this is Ned Schneebly.
I'm just saying, name two great chick drummers.
K Katie
Sheila E? Meg White from The White Stripes?
K Katie
She's a better drummer than you. At least she has rhythm.
Mullins Freddy, where are your sleeves? And what have you done to your hair?
Mullins Well, it's not school uniform. [pulls Freddy's sleeves back down]
Miss Mullins, you're The Man.
Mullins Thank you, Frankie.
[Frankie and some of the other students giggle behind her back.]
[Dewey and Mullins arrive at Horace Green for Parents' Night]
Okay, I don't think I can go in there.
Mullins What's wrong?
Roz... I'm not a teacher.
Mullins Oh, Ned, a substitute is a teacher.
No, no, I'm not a teacher. I'm a fraud.
Mullins No! You're not! You're a dedicated, talented teacher, and those parents are gonna love you! Now, just get in there, and tell those parents what you've been teaching their kids.
[Dewey starts lying to the parents about what he's been teaching their kids]
Yeah, you know, uh, math, English... Uh... What else? Science... What else? Geography, history, Latin, Spanish, French, Latin, uh, math... Did I say that already? Anyway, you know, just all the stuff you want your kids to know, it's been covered, okay? So... it was great to meet you all, and, uh, [clicks tounge] drive safe.
Excuse me. Ever since you started teaching here, all my son can talk about is music. He says when he grows up, he wants to be a musician. Is this your influence?
Yeah, what...? Mr. Schneebly, why has my daughter become obsessed with David Geffen?
[holds up a copy of Yes's "Fragile"]
And how is this homework?
Okay, see, I would like to tell you about what we've been doing in here, but there's such a thing as teacher-student confidentiality, and I don't want to be in breach of educational law 'cause I could be dismembered by the teacher's union. So...
You expect us to believe this garbage?
[Dewey looks out in the hallway and sees a cop]
Mr. S, don't you think you should just tell them about the project?
Our class project. Every school in the state is competing.
It's not till next quarter, but Mr. S wanted us to get a head start.
Well, what's the project, Summer?
[Dewey sees the cop talking with Patty]
It's prestigious. A win will go on our permanent record, Mom.
You might as well tell 'em, Mr. Schneebly.
Okay, look, I've gotten to know your kids over the past few weeks, and they are awesome. Zack is an insane guitarist. He's the next Hendrix, and he's 10 years old. And Gordon here, he's a genius! He did a whole professional light show on his computer in three days. And, um... [Ned looks at Dewey as the cop continues talking with Patty] And-and-and-and Marta here, she's-she's-she's... She can hit an A above high C. Did you know that? 'Cause that's tough. Not many singers can do that. And-and, uh... [Mullins and another cop get in on the conversation between Patty, Ned, and the first cop] Uh... Uh... Summer... Summer is gonna be the first woman President of the United States of America, and she could run later this year even, and I would vote for her. Look, you guys, they're just all really cool kids. And if they were mine, I would be so proud. And I am proud, just to even know them. And, um...
C Cop
Sir, can I see you in the hall for a moment?
Can I just...? Let me just say a couple more things.
What's happening, Officer?
C Cop
Apparently, that man is not Ned Schneebly.
C Cop
This man is Ned Schneebly.
Yeah, he's not even a teacher!
[points to Patty]
She did. She got it out of me. Sorry.
You're apologizing to him?!
Mullins [to Dewey]
Ned... [looks at the real Ned, then Dewey] Ned, is this true? Who are you?
My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure I've touched them.
[The parents start murmuring in confusion; Dewey flees]
