Patty
He is a lazy freeloader, and it's time for all this dysfunction to stop.
Ned
Keep it... Can't we just do this later? I mean, you know how he gets in the morning.
Patty
Ned, aren't you tired of letting people push you around?
Ned
Yes. [sighs]
Patty
Then get in there and do it! [Ned refuses, so Patty pulls the curtain aside]
Dewey
[wakes up]
What? What is it?
Ned
Dewey, hey, it's the first of the month, and, uh, I would like your share of the rent now, please.
Dewey
Oh, man! You know I don't have it! You wake me up for that? Come on, man! [falls back asleep]
Ned
Sorry. [Patty glares at him fiercely; more sternly] Dewey! I mean, you owe me a lot of money as it is.
Patty
Yeah, try $2,200!
Dewey
Okay, you guys, the band is about to hit it bigtime. We're gonna win Battle of the Bands, and when I'm rolling in the Benjamins, I will throw you and your dog a bone. Good night.
Patty
Oh, give it up! Your band has never made two cents!
Ned
Patty, come on! I'm on this!
Patty
Oh, you're on this? You're on this? He's walking all over you!
Dewey
Mommy, could we please talk about this later?
Patty
Uh, no, we can't talk about it later because Ned and I have to go to work. We have jobs. We contribute to society, all right? I am an assistant to the mayor of the city. "Hello?!"
Dewey
What?! Can you get her out of here, please? Why?! Why her?!
Patty
And Ned has the most important job there is.
Dewey
Temping?
Ned
Dewey, a substitute teacher is not a temp!
Dewey
He's a babysitter!
Ned
Oh, yeah, you think it's so easy? Well, I'd like to see you try. You wouldn't last one day.
Dewey
Dude, I service society by rocking, okay? I'm out there on the front lines liberating people with my music. Rockin' ain't no walk in the park, lady!
Patty
All right, this is useless, all right? You tell him that if he doesn't come up with the rent by the end of the week, he's out of here!
Ned
Dewey, I'm not paying your share of the rent, so... I don't know, I mean, maybe you should sell one of your guitars or something.
Dewey
What? Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars?
Patty
Oh, my God, he's an idiot! [leaves]
Dewey
Dude, I've been mooching off you for years, and it's never been a problem until she showed up. Just dump her, man!
Ned
Yeah, well, if you don't come up with some money, she's gonna dump me. She's fed up.
Dewey
Really? Because that would be a good thing! She's a nightmare!
Ned
Come on! I may never have another girlfriend! I mean, just come on! Come up with some money, please! Please!
Dewey
Okay, for you. Not for her, man, for you.
Ned
Thank you.
Dewey
Okay, yes, you can be in my band, but, Ned, no power plays, man. I've got vision up the butt, so just go with it.
Ned
[chuckles]
No, thanks.
Dewey
[shows Ned a photo of him in his old band]
You're not a teacher, Ned. You're the cross-dressing, blood-sucking incubus from Maggot Death. That's the real you!
Ned
Dewey, I'm not a sexy satanic god anymore. I'm a working stiff. And that's cool.
Dewey
She's got you brainwashed, man.
Patty
Can you see that I'm working?
Dewey
That's terrific. But who are you, babe? This is my apartment, babe.
Patty
Oh... Not if you don't pay your rent, it's not. Get a job!
Dewey
I got a job, okay? I'm gonna have your rent by the end of the week. Go tell the mayor.
Patty
You got a job. Doing what?
Dewey
I do what Ned does, I'm temping.
Ned
I'm not a temp, I'm a sub. And soon I'll be a certified teacher.
Dewey
Come on, man! One show, $20,000 prize, we split it 60-40, grab your bass, and come back to the garage, brother! I mean, don't you miss rocking out?
Patty
Dewey, if you think anyone in the right mind is gonna wanna be in a band with you, you're more delusional than I thought.
Ned
Dewey, you know, maybe it's time to give up those dreams. I did, and things are going really great for me.
Ned
[as he opens his mail]
What are you all dressed up for?
Dewey
Uh, I got a hot date.
Ned
That's weird. I got a check from Horace Green Prep for $1,200. I've never even worked there. [picks up the phone and starts dialing Horace Green]
Dewey
What are you doing?
Ned
Calling the school. [speaks into phone] Hi, this is Ned Schneebly. Um... [Dewey breaks the call; Ned eyes him suspiciously] Dewey? What's going on?
Dewey
I told them 15 times, make it out to cash!
Ned
[hangs up the phone]
Dewey?
Dewey
I did something bad, Ned.
Ned
No...
Dewey
Yeah. They called, looking for a sub, and I said I was you, just to make some money. But then I got there, and the kids--they rock, man! There's this kid, Larry, who's like, "I'm not cool," but now he's like... [scatting] And there's this other girl who can sing like... [humming] But then she thought she was too fat to sing, so they were all dying of this rare blood disease, and then the principal got drunk. And now, we're playing tomorrow at Battle of the Bands! Isn't that great? It's the coolest thing that ever happened! One day, that's all I ask, Ned. And then I will come clean. I'll tell everyone it was my fault, you had nothing to do with it, you'll be fine, one day!
Patty
[walks in]
Ned, home.
Dewey
[lowers his voice]
Don't say anything to her. Please? She'll blow it. She'll blow everything. Please?
Patty
[walks into the room; looks at Dewey and Ned suspiciously]
Hey. What's going on?
Dewey
[casually]
Nothing. I got a hot date, that's what's going on. [mouths and makes gestures at Ned to keep quiet] See you later. [leaves]
Patty
What's going on, Ned?
Ned
[grins sheepishly]
Nothing.
Patty
Nothing? Well...
Dewey
[Dewey starts lying to the parents about what he's been teaching their kids]
Yeah, you know, uh, math, English... Uh... What else? Science... What else? Geography, history, Latin, Spanish, French, Latin, uh, math... Did I say that already? Anyway, you know, just all the stuff you want your kids to know, it's been covered, okay? So... it was great to meet you all, and, uh, [clicks tounge] drive safe.
Zack's Father
Excuse me. Ever since you started teaching here, all my son can talk about is music. He says when he grows up, he wants to be a musician. Is this your influence?
Summer's Mother
Yeah, what...? Mr. Schneebly, why has my daughter become obsessed with David Geffen?
Lawrence's Father
[holds up a copy of Yes's "Fragile"]
And how is this homework?
Dewey
Okay, see, I would like to tell you about what we've been doing in here, but there's such a thing as teacher-student confidentiality, and I don't want to be in breach of educational law 'cause I could be dismembered by the teacher's union. So...
Zack's Father
You expect us to believe this garbage?
Tomika
[Dewey looks out in the hallway and sees a cop]
Mr. S, don't you think you should just tell them about the project?
Tomika's Mother
What project?
Lawrence
Our class project. Every school in the state is competing.
Lawrence's Father
Competing?
Summer
It's not till next quarter, but Mr. S wanted us to get a head start.
Summer's Mother
Well, what's the project, Summer?
Summer
[Dewey sees the cop talking with Patty]
It's prestigious. A win will go on our permanent record, Mom.
Summer's Mother
Oh.
Summer
You might as well tell 'em, Mr. Schneebly.
Dewey
Okay, look, I've gotten to know your kids over the past few weeks, and they are awesome. Zack is an insane guitarist. He's the next Hendrix, and he's 10 years old. And Gordon here, he's a genius! He did a whole professional light show on his computer in three days. And, um... [Ned looks at Dewey as the cop continues talking with Patty] And-and-and-and Marta here, she's-she's-she's... She can hit an A above high C. Did you know that? 'Cause that's tough. Not many singers can do that. And-and, uh... [Mullins and another cop get in on the conversation between Patty, Ned, and the first cop] Uh... Uh... Summer... Summer is gonna be the first woman President of the United States of America, and she could run later this year even, and I would vote for her. Look, you guys, they're just all really cool kids. And if they were mine, I would be so proud. And I am proud, just to even know them. And, um...
C Cop
Sir, can I see you in the hall for a moment?
Dewey
Can I just...? Let me just say a couple more things.
Zack's Father
What's going on?
Summer's Mother
What's happening, Officer?
C Cop
Apparently, that man is not Ned Schneebly.
C Cop
This man is Ned Schneebly.
Patty
Yeah, he's not even a teacher!
Dewey
You called the cops?!
Ned
[points to Patty]
She did. She got it out of me. Sorry.
Patty
You're apologizing to him?!
Ned
Sorry.
Mullins
[to Dewey]
Ned... [looks at the real Ned, then Dewey] Ned, is this true? Who are you?
Dewey
My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure I've touched them.
[The parents start murmuring in confusion; Dewey flees]
Patty
[Ned and Patty arrive home and see Dewey sulking at the table]
I have nothing to say to you.
Ned
Me neither.
Dewey
Okay, I'm goin' to bed.
Patty
You know, Dewey, it's one thing to throw your life away, but then to put Ned's career in jeopardy is so selfish!
Dewey
Hey! You're the one who told me to be like Ned and get a job.
Patty
Yeah, yeah, I told you to be like Ned, Dewey! I didn't tell you to be Ned! And you're not even gonna apologize?
Dewey
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING THE COPS! It's not like I murdered anybody! I just wanted to play a great show! I was this close!
Ned
SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Would you both just cut it out for one second?!
Dewey
[Patty mutters something under her breath, then leaves]
Look, I'm sorry, dude. I was desperate. You can't understand. It was easy for you to give up music. It ain't easy for me.
Ned
It wasn't easy for me. I miss it.
Dewey
Well, then why'd you give it up?
Ned
'Cause I couldn't keep kidding myself anymore. You can blame it all on bad luck, but in the end, maybe we just weren't that good. Sometimes, you gotta know when to quit.
Dewey
Maybe you're right, maybe I suck.
Ned
That's not what I said.
Dewey
Well, music is my life, man. What do you want me to do?
Ned
I don't know, but... I think it's time you moved out. Sorry.
