Sarah Silverman movie quotes

View Quote [Vanellope glitches into the dressing room of the Disney Princesses]
Vanellope: Uh, hi.
[the princesses surround her on all sides]
Vanellope: Whoa! Whoa! Ladies, I can explain! See, um... I'm a princess, too.
Anna: Wait. What?
Vanellope: Yeah! Princess Vanellope von Schweetz of the Sugar Rush von Schweetzes? I'm sure you've heard of us. It'd be embarrassing for you if you haven't. [laughs nervously]
Pocahontas: What kind of a princess are you?
Vanellope: What kind?
Rapunzel: Do you have magic hair?
Vanellope: No.
Elsa: Magic hands?
Vanellope: No.
Cinderella: Do animals talk to you?
Vanellope: No.
Snow White: Were you poisoned?
Vanellope: No!
Tiana and Aurora: Cursed?
Vanellope: No!
Rapunzel and Belle: Kidnapped or enslaved?
Vanellope: No! Are you guys okay? Should I call the police?
Ariel: Then I have to assume you made a deal with an underwater sea witch, where she took your voice in exchange for a pair of human legs?
Vanellope: No! Good Lord! Who would do that?!
Snow White: Have you ever had true love's kiss?
Vanellope: Eww! Barf!
Jasmine: Do you have daddy issues?
Vanellope: I don't even have a mom!
Numerous princesses: Neither do we!
Rapunzel: And now for the million dollar question: Do people assume all your problems got solved because a big strong man showed up?
Vanellope: Yes! What is up with that?
All princesses: She is a Princess!
[Snow White vocalizes]
Cinderella: [eyes Vanellope's clothing] Who made your gown? I've never seen anything quite like it.
Vanellope: Oh, this old thing?
Cinderella: Oh, I'd so love to have one of my own.
Aurora: As would I.
Moana: Me, too!
Elsa: So cool!
Rapunzel: Best outfit ever!
Ariel: I want one too, you guys!
Cinderella: I'll get my mice on this.

View Quote [the Princesses are relaxing with Vanellope, all wearing new modern clothes.]
Cinderella: [sighs] So this is love. All hail Princess Vanellope, the queen of comfy.
[the other princesses cheer]
Ariel: Of all the thingamabobs in this entire world, I never thought I'd get to wear a real... what's it called again? Oh, yeah. A shirt. [sings] I once had a dream that I might wear a shirt...
Vanellope: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait. What's going on?
Jasmine: Uh, she's singing.
Vanellope: Yeah, but there was, like, music and the spotlight and... Wait, you all saw it, too, right?
Tiana: That's what happens when a princess sings about her dreams.
Vanellope: Oh, that's never happened to me, I mean, not even once.
Rapunzel: Why don't you give it a try? What is it you really want? Sing about that.
Vanellope: Okay, uh, sure. I can do that. Uh, let's see. [clears throat; sings] Oh, steering wheel, oh, steering wheel. Oh, yes, I want a steering wheel. [scats]
Belle: Well, there's a lot to unpack here. So, this steering wheel you sing of-- That's a metaphor?
Vanellope: Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not a metaphor. It's just... I literally want a steering wheel. I think the issue was I was a little pitchy.
Mulan: Maybe a little. But sometimes your song can't start until you go someplace to reflect.
Pocahontas: What works for some of us is finding a form of water and staring at it.
Vanellope: What?
Snow White: Oh, yes. I like to stare at a wishing well.
Moana: I stare at the ocean.
Mulan: Horse trough.
Cinderella: Soap bubbles.
Vanellope: Wait, you're saying if I just stare at some water...
Ariel: Important water.
Vanellope: Right, of course, important water. I stare at the important water, and somehow magically, I'll start singing about my dream?
Rapunzel: For sure.
Tiana: Mm-hmm.
Vanellope: Uh, yeah. I don't think so, ladies, but thanks.
[C-3PO enters]
C-3PO: Five minutes, Princesses. Another "Which Disney Princess are you?" quizlet starts in five minutes.
[he leaves]
Jasmine: Okay, thank you.
Tiana: Well, I guess it's back to the gowns, girls.
Aurora: It was lovely to meet you, Vanellope.
Belle: And best of luck finding your song.
Merida: Och. Lang may yer lum reek, and may a moose ne'er leave your girnal with a tear drop in his eye. Haste ye back, me lassie!
Vanellope: Uh-huh. What did she just say?
Tiana: We don't know.
Moana: We can't understand her.
Anna: She's from the other studio.
Vanellope: Ah.
Vanellope: Ralph look, I think you fixed your insecurity.
Ralph: Yeah I did. [as Virus Ralph disappears] Woohoo! [he starts to fall]
Vanellope: NO!
J.P. Spamley: [comes to the rescue] Park it right here, Ralph! Your old friend J.P. Spamley's got you!
Ralph: [surprised] Woohoo! [goes right through it and still falls, knocked out silly]
J.P. Spamley: [surprised] Wow, that didn't work. [as Ralph was about to fall to his immediate death the princesses see him falling]
Rapunzel: [gasps] Look up there! It's a big, strong man in need of rescuing! [Moana uses her oar to let out the ocean, Ariel uses it to make a loop-de-loop, and lands on Jasmine's Magic Carpet, and Elsa freezes it into a slide for Ralph. Meanwhile, the other princesses are making their dresses to get Ralph to safety and then he approaches it using the other dresses as parachutes and Ariel sings a few notes to get Pocahontas's attention and she blows him to the place where Aurora got cursed to slumber and Tiana approaches Ralph and uses Naveen to kiss and wake him up from his slumber]
Ralph: Ah, thanks, Frogger. [notices that the princesses have saved Ralph from falling to his death] Wait a minute, who are all of you?
Jasmine: We're friends of Vanellope's.
Elsa: Yeah. And any friend of Vanellope's is a friend of ours.
Moana: You're welcome.
Vanellope: [offscreen] Ralph!
Yesss: [laughs] Looking good, big fella!
Ralph: Hey y'all! [extends his hand that the dress starts to rip as the princesses saw it and laugh] This dress is not made for a big boy. [laughs] It's going right back the alley there. Let me just make a little ajustment. [ajusts the dress and shows his fat belly] There we go. [princesses laugh]
Felix: [Approaches to Ralph, sitting peacefully in the bench while watching the sunrise] Hey. You doing okay there Ralph?
Ralph: Yeah. I am, actually. I'm doing great. [as the arcade characters reporting to their games] Come on, Felix. Let's get to work, Buddy. [as the two heads off to Fix-It Felix Jr., we zoom back into the plug of the Linkster Wi-Fi router, then we fade to the interior of the arcade section of Litwak's Family Fun Center, we fade to the doors outside, and finally the parking lot in which Del Litwak's car arrives for work, before cutting to the main title]

View Quote [In Game Central Station, a new plug is inserted, and the sign above reads "Wi-Fi"]
Ralph: "Whiffey"? Or "Wifey"? Well, it’s either whiffleball or an arranged marriage game.
Sonic: It's actually pronounced "Wi-Fi", Ralph.
Ralph: Yeah, that’s what I said.
Sonic: And Wi-Fi is the Internet, which is an online community where human beings go to shop and play games and socialize.
Vanellope: Ooh, fun!
[the Surge Protector appears]
Surge Protector: No, it is not! That sign right there says "Wi-Fi", but what it should say is "Die-Fi". [chuckles, but no one responds.] That's a little humor there, but seriously, the Internet is nothing to laugh at. [puts police tape around the entrance] It is new, it is different, and therefore we should fear it. So keep out, for Pete's sake, and get to work. The arcade’s about to open!

View Quote [Dewey starts lying to the parents about what he's been teaching their kids]
Dewey: Yeah, you know, uh, math, English... Uh... What else? Science... What else? Geography, history, Latin, Spanish, French, Latin, uh, math... Did I say that already? Anyway, you know, just all the stuff you want your kids to know, it's been covered, okay? So... it was great to meet you all, and, uh, [clicks tounge] drive safe.
Zack's Father: Excuse me. Ever since you started teaching here, all my son can talk about is music. He says when he grows up, he wants to be a musician. Is this your influence?
Summer's Mother: Yeah, what...? Mr. Schneebly, why has my daughter become obsessed with David Geffen?
Lawrence's Father: [holds up a copy of Yes's "Fragile"] And how is this homework?
Dewey: Okay, see, I would like to tell you about what we've been doing in here, but there's such a thing as teacher-student confidentiality, and I don't want to be in breach of educational law 'cause I could be dismembered by the teacher's union. So...
Zack's Father: You expect us to believe this garbage?
[Dewey looks out in the hallway and sees a cop]
Tomika: Mr. S, don't you think you should just tell them about the project?
Tomika's Mother: What project?
Lawrence: Our class project. Every school in the state is competing.
Lawrence's Father: Competing?
Summer: It's not till next quarter, but Mr. S wanted us to get a head start.
Summer's Mother: Well, what's the project, Summer?
[Dewey sees the cop talking with Patty]
Summer: It's prestigious. A win will go on our permanent record, Mom.
Summer's Mother: Oh.
Summer: You might as well tell 'em, Mr. Schneebly.
Dewey: Okay, look, I've gotten to know your kids over the past few weeks, and they are awesome. Zack is an insane guitarist. He's the next Hendrix, and he's 10 years old. And Gordon here, he's a genius! He did a whole professional light show on his computer in three days. And, um... [Ned looks at Dewey as the cop continues talking with Patty] And-and-and-and Marta here, she's-she's-she's... She can hit an A above high C. Did you know that? 'Cause that's tough. Not many singers can do that. And-and, uh... [Mullins and another cop get in on the conversation between Patty, Ned, and the first cop] Uh... Uh... Summer... Summer is gonna be the first woman President of the United States of America, and she could run later this year even, and I would vote for her. Look, you guys, they're just all really cool kids. And if they were mine, I would be so proud. And I am proud, just to even know them. And, um...
Cop: Sir, can I see you in the hall for a moment?
Dewey: Can I just...? Let me just say a couple more things.
Zack's Father: What's going on?
Summer's Mother: What's happening, Officer?
Cop: Apparently, that man is not Ned Schneebly.
Parents: What?
Cop: This man is Ned Schneebly.
Patty: Yeah, he's not even a teacher!
Dewey: You called the cops?!
Ned: [points to Patty] She did. She got it out of me. Sorry.
Patty: You're apologizing to him?!
Ned: Sorry.
Mullins: [to Dewey] Ned... [looks at the real Ned, then Dewey] Ned, is this true? Who are you?
Dewey: My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure I've touched them.
[The parents start murmuring in confusion; Dewey flees]

View Quote Patty: He is a lazy freeloader, and it's time for all this dysfunction to stop.
Ned: Keep it... Can't we just do this later? I mean, you know how he gets in the morning.
Patty: Ned, aren't you tired of letting people push you around?
Ned: Yes. [sighs]
Patty: Then get in there and do it! [Ned refuses, so Patty pulls the curtain aside]
Dewey: [wakes up] What? What is it?
Ned: Dewey, hey, it's the first of the month, and, uh, I would like your share of the rent now, please.
Dewey: Oh, man! You know I don't have it! You wake me up for that? Come on, man! [falls back asleep]
Ned: Sorry. [Patty glares at him fiercely; more sternly] Dewey! I mean, you owe me a lot of money as it is.
Patty: Yeah, try $2,200!
Dewey: Okay, you guys, the band is about to hit it bigtime. We're gonna win Battle of the Bands, and when I'm rolling in the Benjamins, I will throw you and your dog a bone. Good night.
Patty: Oh, give it up! Your band has never made two cents!
Ned: Patty, come on! I'm on this!
Patty: Oh, you're on this? You're on this? He's walking all over you!
Dewey: Mommy, could we please talk about this later?
Patty: Uh, no, we can't talk about it later because Ned and I have to go to work. We have jobs. We contribute to society, all right? I am an assistant to the mayor of the city. "Hello?!"
Dewey: What?! Can you get her out of here, please? Why?! Why her?!
Patty: And Ned has the most important job there is.
Dewey: Temping?
Ned: Dewey, a substitute teacher is not a temp!
Dewey: He's a babysitter!
Ned: Oh, yeah, you think it's so easy? Well, I'd like to see you try. You wouldn't last one day.
Dewey: Dude, I service society by rocking, okay? I'm out there on the front lines liberating people with my music. Rockin' ain't no walk in the park, lady!
Patty: All right, this is useless, all right? You tell him that if he doesn't come up with the rent by the end of the week, he's out of here!
Ned: Dewey, I'm not paying your share of the rent, so... I don't know, I mean, maybe you should sell one of your guitars or something.
Dewey: What? Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars?
Patty: Oh, my God, he's an idiot! [leaves]
Dewey: Dude, I've been mooching off you for years, and it's never been a problem until she showed up. Just dump her, man!
Ned: Yeah, well, if you don't come up with some money, she's gonna dump me. She's fed up.
Dewey: Really? Because that would be a good thing! She's a nightmare!
Ned: Come on! I may never have another girlfriend! I mean, just come on! Come up with some money, please! Please!
Dewey: Okay, for you. Not for her, man, for you.
Ned: Thank you.

View Quote [Ned and Patty arrive home and see Dewey sulking at the table]
Patty: I have nothing to say to you.
Ned: Me neither.
Dewey: Okay, I'm goin' to bed.
Patty: You know, Dewey, it's one thing to throw your life away, but then to put Ned's career in jeopardy is so selfish!
Dewey: Hey! You're the one who told me to be like Ned and get a job.
Patty: Yeah, yeah, I told you to be like Ned, Dewey! I didn't tell you to be Ned! And you're not even gonna apologize?
Dewey: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING THE COPS! It's not like I murdered anybody! I just wanted to play a great show! I was this close!
Ned: SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Would you both just cut it out for one second?!
[Patty mutters something under her breath, then leaves]
Dewey: Look, I'm sorry, dude. I was desperate. You can't understand. It was easy for you to give up music. It ain't easy for me.
Ned: It wasn't easy for me. I miss it.
Dewey: Well, then why'd you give it up?
Ned: 'Cause I couldn't keep kidding myself anymore. You can blame it all on bad luck, but in the end, maybe we just weren't that good. Sometimes, you gotta know when to quit.
Dewey: Maybe you're right, maybe I suck.
Ned: That's not what I said.
Dewey: Well, music is my life, man. What do you want me to do?
Ned: I don't know, but... I think it's time you moved out. Sorry.

View Quote [Vanellope's glitch causes King Candy to start glitching, which in turn reveals King Candy's true form: Turbo]
Vanellope: What the— Who are you?!
Turbo: I'm Turbo, the greatest racer ever! And I did not reprogram this world to let you and that halitosis-riddled warthog take it away from me!

View Quote [Ralph has just scared away the Sugar Rush racers who were tearing apart Vanellope's pedal kart; she gets up off the ground, sniffling]
Vanellope: What are you looking at?
Ralph: You're welcome, ya rotten little thief.
Vanellope: I'm not a thief! I just borrowed your stupid coin! I was gonna give it back to you as soon as I won the race!
Ralph: It's not a coin! It's a medal!
Vanellope: Coin, medal, whatever! Just go back to your own dumb game and win another one.
Ralph: I can't. I didn't win it in my game, I won it in Hero's Duty.
Vanellope: Hero's Doody? [bursts out laughing]
Ralph: It's not that kind of duty!
Vanellope: I bet you really gotta watch where you step in a game called Hero's Doody! Ha ha ha! What'd you win the medal for, wiping? [Ralph rolls his eyes] I hope you washed your hands after you handled that medal!
Ralph: Listen—
Vanellope: One more, one more: why did the hero flush the toilet? Say "Why?"
Ralph: [unimpressed] Why?
Vanellope: Because it was his "doody"!
Ralph: How dare you insult Hero's Duty, you little guttersnipe! I earned that medal! And you better get it back for me toute-suite, sister!
Vanellope: Well, unless you've got a go-kart hidden in the fat folds of your neck, I can't help ya!
[at his breaking point, Ralph starts taking out his anger by smashing apart the candy that litters the junkyard; he comes across a jawbreaker and hits it repeatedly]
Vanellope: [to herself] What a moron. [to Ralph] Hey, genius! That's a jawbreaker! You're never gonna— [Ralph finally manages to smash the jawbreaker open; Vanellope gives an impressed smile] Oh…
[Ralph sits down, exhausted, and Vanellope approaches him]
Vanellope: Enjoy your little tantrum, Diaper-Baby?
Ralph: Leave me alone.
Vanellope: Look, you want that medal, right? And I wanna race. So here's what I'm thinkin': You help me get a new kart—a real kart—and I'll win the race and get you back your medal!
Ralph: You want me to help you?
Vanellope: All you gotta do is break somethin' for me. C'mon, what do you say, friend? [extends her hand]
Ralph: We are not friends.
Vanellope: Aw, c'mon, pal! You son-of-a-gun! C'mon, buddy! Shake on it! C'mon, chumbo! Ralph, my man! M' main man! [seriously] Hey. My arm's getting tired. Do we have a deal or not?
Ralph: [groans; defeatedly] You better win. [shakes Vanellope's hand]

View Quote Sour Bill: All hail the rightful ruler of Sugar Rush: Princess Vanellope.
Taffyta: [gasps] I remember! She's our princess!
Candlehead: Oh, that's right!
Taffyta: We are so sorry about the way we treated you!
Rancis: Yeah, those were, uh, jokes!
Candlehead: I was just doing what Taffyta told me to do!
Vanellope: Tut tut! As your merciful princess, I hereby decree that everyone who was ever mean to me shall be… executed.
Racers: What?!
Taffyta: No, no, no, please! Please!
Felix: Oh, my land!
Calhoun: Well, this place just got interesting.
Taffyta: [drops to her knees] No! I don't wanna die!
Vanellope: Ah, I'm just kiddin'!
Taffyta: You are?
Vanellope: Stop crying, Taffyta.
Taffyta: [hyperventilates] I'm trying! It won't stop!