Most scenes together: Dewey & Summer (12), Dewey & Freddy (7), Dewey & Mullins (7)
Mr. S? We came up with some names for the band.
All right, hit me.
The Bumblebees?
No, it's too sissy.
The Koala Bears?
No! What are you talking about? It's too sissy!
How about, Pig Rectum?
Michelle!
It's a science project.
Wait, no, no, just the band! Okay, everybody, go!
Front door was open.
Why aren't you guys in school?
We did what you told us. We stuck it to the Man.
Forget about everything I told you. Look, I'm a loser, okay? You listen to my advice, you'll end up like me with nothing.
Come on, man, quit goofing around. This is serious business. We're on a mission. One great rock show can change the world. [bus horn honks from outside] Look out the window.
No way... That is so punk rock...
Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off your 'ath, let's do some math. Math, math, math, math, math. Three minus four is...
Negative one.
Six billion?
Nine.
OK, Teach. Teach. Teach. Alright, look, here’s the deal. I’ve got a hangover. Who knows what that means?
Doesn't that mean you’re drunk?
No. It means I was drunk yesterday.
It means you're an alcoholic.
Wrong.
You wouldn't come to work unless you were an alcoholic. Dude, you got a disease!
Mmm-hmm. What's your name?
Freddy Jones.
Mmm, Freddy Jones, shut up!
Hey! What's up? Is that a new song? Who's this guy?
Theo Dewey, we're taking the Battle of the Bands seriously this year.
Good, because I need the money. Now, listen. If we're gonna win this thing, we gotta actually start playing some music.
Theo I agree. You're fired.
Your lyrics, now, don't take this the wrong way, Theo, are lame. But I've been sitting on some awesome material, so...
Theo Dewey, did you hear what I said? We voted. You're out. This is Spider; he's replacing you.
Spider What's up, dawg?
Neil I was gonna tell you last night, Dewey, but you passed out, man.
Okay, you're gonna kick me out of the band? You're gonna fire me? Well, this is my band. I brought us together.
Neil Theo wanted you out. There's nothing I could do.
Theo Shut up, man. You voted him out, too. I didn't tell you what to do. Dewey, listen to me. You're a good guitar player, but it's the 20-minute solos, it's the stage dives. We're trying to land a record deal here, man, and you're an embarrassment.
Read between the lines, Theo. Read between the lines!
Neil Dewey, man, I hope this doesn't come between us. Like, I care about you, man.
You forgot about one thing. It's called the music. And I don't even care. You know what? So what? I don't wanna hang out with wannabe corporate sellouts. I'm gonna form my own band. We're gonna start a revolution. And you're gonna be a funny little footnote on my epic ass. I feel sorry for you guys.
I totally screwed up. I told the kids that if they practiced, they'd get into the Battle of the Bands.
What'd you tell them that for?
I don't know, I just...I wanted to give them something to look forward to, to keep their spirits up. Look at them. [he and the Coordinator look at the kids, who are faking sick] They're terminal. Every last one of them. And all they wanted to do before they bit the dust was play Battle of the Bands.
What do they all have?
It’s a... rare blood disease. "Stick-it-to-da-man-neosis."
What's that? I've never heard of it.
You're lucky. Because it's hell.
If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules. You gotta get mad at The Man, and right now I'm The Man. That's right, I'm The Man, and who's got the guts to tell me off? Huh? Who's gonna tell me off?
Shut up, Schneebly!
That's it, Freddy. That's it! Who can top him?
Alicia Get outta here, stupid.
Yes, Alicia.
You're a joke. You're the worst teacher I've ever had.
Summer, that is great. I like the delivery because I felt your anger.
Thank you.
You're a fat loser, and you have body odor.
All right. All right! Now is everyone nice and ticked off?
Yeah!
Good! Time to write a rock song! Now what makes you mad more than anything in the world? Billy?
You.
Billy, we've already told me off. Let's move on.
You're tacky and I hate you.
Okay, you see me after class.
Look, the first thing you do when you start a rock band is talk about your influences. That's how you figure out what kind of band to be. So who do you like? Blondie?
Christina Aguilera.
Who? No! Come on. What? You, Shortstop.
Leonard Puff Daddy.
Wrong. Billy?
Liza Minnelli?
What are you...? You guys! This project is called "Rock Band". I'm talking about bands that rock. Led Zeppelin. [the class gives him blank stares] Don't tell me you guys have never got the Led out. Jimmy Page, Robert Plant? Ring any bells? What about Sabbath? AC/DC? Motörhead?! OH, WHAT DO THEY TEACH IN THIS PLACE?!
Mornin', Summer.
Groupie?
What's the matter?
You want me to be a groupie?
Well, groupie is an important job.
I researched groupies on the Internet. and they do stuff, weird stuff with the band!
No, that's not true! They're like cheerleaders.
I don't want to be a cheerleader. Look, my mother's a room parent, and she's not gonna be happy when she hears about this.
Okay, I didn't want to say this to you in front of the other kids 'cause I didn't want to make 'em jealous, but I made a special position just for you. And it's the most important job of all: band manager.
Band manager?
Oh, yeah.
What's that?
Well, I'm gonna be busy rocking out, so it's up to you to make sure everyone is doing their job. Summer, you're in charge of everything.
Okay.
Now, listen, normal kids would have been stoked to slack off, but not you guys, because you're not normal, you're special. And because I think you guys have the right attitude, I think it's time we started our new class project.
A science project?
No. It's called... "Rock Band".
Is this a school project?
Yes. And it's a requirement. And it may sound easy, but nothing could be harder. It will test your head [points to his head], and your mind [points to his jaw], and your brain too [points to his forehead].
Will other schools be competing?
You could say that. You could say that every school in the state will be competing for the top prize.
What's the prize?
A win will go on your permanent record. Hello Harvard, Yo?
Oh, you wanna learn something?
Yes, I do.
You want me to teach you something? [most of the students nod] Here's a useful lesson for you: give up. Just quit. Because in this life, you can't win. Sure, you can try. [really getting angry] But in the end you're just gonna lose, BIG TIME. Because THE WORLD is run by The Man.
Who?
The Man. Oh, you don't know The Man? [class shakes their heads] He's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, MISS MULLINS, she's The Man. And The Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! Okay? And there used to be a way to stick it to The Man. It was called rock ‘n’ roll. But guess what. Oh, no. The Man ruined that too with a little thing called MTV! So don’t waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome, because The Man’s just going to call you a fat, washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!!!!
OK, we are good to go.
No, we're not. Freddy took off.
What? Where?
Some guys invited him out to their van.
WHAT?! Come on, you guys!
Okay, yes, you can be in my band, but, Ned, no power plays, man. I've got vision up the butt, so just go with it.
You're not a teacher, Ned. You're the cross-dressing, blood-sucking incubus from Maggot Death. That's the real you!
Dewey, I'm not a sexy satanic god anymore. I'm a working stiff. And that's cool.
She's got you brainwashed, man.
Can you see that I'm working?
That's terrific. But who are you, babe? This is my apartment, babe.
Oh... Not if you don't pay your rent, it's not. Get a job!
I got a job, okay? I'm gonna have your rent by the end of the week. Go tell the mayor.
You got a job. Doing what?
I do what Ned does, I'm temping.
I'm not a temp, I'm a sub. And soon I'll be a certified teacher.
Come on, man! One show, $20,000 prize, we split it 60-40, grab your bass, and come back to the garage, brother! I mean, don't you miss rocking out?
Dewey, if you think anyone in the right mind is gonna wanna be in a band with you, you're more delusional than I thought.
Dewey, you know, maybe it's time to give up those dreams. I did, and things are going really great for me.
I'm just saying, name two great chick drummers.
Katie Sheila E? Meg White from The White Stripes?
She can't drum!
Katie She's a better drummer than you. At least she has rhythm.
Freddy, where are your sleeves? And what have you done to your hair?
It's called punk.
Well, it's not school uniform. [pulls Freddy's sleeves back down]
Miss Mullins, you're The Man.
Thank you, Frankie.
[Frankie and some of the other students giggle behind her back.]
