He is a lazy freeloader, and it's time for all this dysfunction to stop.
Ned Keep it... Can't we just do this later? I mean, you know how he gets in the morning.
Ned, aren't you tired of letting people push you around?
Ned Yes. [sighs]
Then get in there and do it! [Ned refuses, so Patty pulls the curtain aside]
[wakes up]
What? What is it?
Ned Dewey, hey, it's the first of the month, and, uh, I would like your share of the rent now, please.
Oh, man! You know I don't have it! You wake me up for that? Come on, man! [falls back asleep]
Ned Sorry. [Patty glares at him fiercely; more sternly] Dewey! I mean, you owe me a lot of money as it is.
Okay, you guys, the band is about to hit it bigtime. We're gonna win Battle of the Bands, and when I'm rolling in the Benjamins, I will throw you and your dog a bone. Good night.
Oh, give it up! Your band has never made two cents!
Ned Patty, come on! I'm on this!
Oh, you're on this? You're on this? He's walking all over you!
Mommy, could we please talk about this later?
Uh, no, we can't talk about it later because Ned and I have to go to work. We have jobs. We contribute to society, all right? I am an assistant to the mayor of the city. "Hello?!"
What?! Can you get her out of here, please? Why?! Why her?!
And Ned has the most important job there is.
Ned Dewey, a substitute teacher is not a temp!
Ned Oh, yeah, you think it's so easy? Well, I'd like to see you try. You wouldn't last one day.
Dude, I service society by rocking, okay? I'm out there on the front lines liberating people with my music. Rockin' ain't no walk in the park, lady!
All right, this is useless, all right? You tell him that if he doesn't come up with the rent by the end of the week, he's out of here!
Ned Dewey, I'm not paying your share of the rent, so... I don't know, I mean, maybe you should sell one of your guitars or something.
What? Would you tell Picasso to sell his guitars?
Oh, my God, he's an idiot! [leaves]
Dude, I've been mooching off you for years, and it's never been a problem until she showed up. Just dump her, man!
Ned Yeah, well, if you don't come up with some money, she's gonna dump me. She's fed up.
Really? Because that would be a good thing! She's a nightmare!
Ned Come on! I may never have another girlfriend! I mean, just come on! Come up with some money, please! Please!
Okay, for you. Not for her, man, for you.
Ned Thank you.
Okay, yes, you can be in my band, but, Ned, no power plays, man. I've got vision up the butt, so just go with it.
Ned [chuckles]
No, thanks.
[shows Ned a photo of him in his old band]
You're not a teacher, Ned. You're the cross-dressing, blood-sucking incubus from Maggot Death. That's the real you!
Ned Dewey, I'm not a sexy satanic god anymore. I'm a working stiff. And that's cool.
She's got you brainwashed, man.
Can you see that I'm working?
That's terrific. But who are you, babe? This is my apartment, babe.
Oh... Not if you don't pay your rent, it's not. Get a job!
I got a job, okay? I'm gonna have your rent by the end of the week. Go tell the mayor.
You got a job. Doing what?
I do what Ned does, I'm temping.
Ned I'm not a temp, I'm a sub. And soon I'll be a certified teacher.
Come on, man! One show, $20,000 prize, we split it 60-40, grab your bass, and come back to the garage, brother! I mean, don't you miss rocking out?
Dewey, if you think anyone in the right mind is gonna wanna be in a band with you, you're more delusional than I thought.
Ned Dewey, you know, maybe it's time to give up those dreams. I did, and things are going really great for me.
Ned [as he opens his mail]
What are you all dressed up for?
Ned That's weird. I got a check from Horace Green Prep for $1,200. I've never even worked there. [picks up the phone and starts dialing Horace Green]
Ned Calling the school. [speaks into phone] Hi, this is Ned Schneebly. Um... [Dewey breaks the call; Ned eyes him suspiciously] Dewey? What's going on?
I told them 15 times, make it out to cash!
Ned [hangs up the phone]
Dewey?
I did something bad, Ned.
Ned No...
Yeah. They called, looking for a sub, and I said I was you, just to make some money. But then I got there, and the kids--they rock, man! There's this kid, Larry, who's like, "I'm not cool," but now he's like... [scatting] And there's this other girl who can sing like... [humming] But then she thought she was too fat to sing, so they were all dying of this rare blood disease, and then the principal got drunk. And now, we're playing tomorrow at Battle of the Bands! Isn't that great? It's the coolest thing that ever happened! One day, that's all I ask, Ned. And then I will come clean. I'll tell everyone it was my fault, you had nothing to do with it, you'll be fine, one day!
[lowers his voice]
Don't say anything to her. Please? She'll blow it. She'll blow everything. Please?
[walks into the room; looks at Dewey and Ned suspiciously]
Hey. What's going on?
[casually]
Nothing. I got a hot date, that's what's going on. [mouths and makes gestures at Ned to keep quiet] See you later. [leaves]
Ned [grins sheepishly]
Nothing.
[Dewey starts lying to the parents about what he's been teaching their kids]
Yeah, you know, uh, math, English... Uh... What else? Science... What else? Geography, history, Latin, Spanish, French, Latin, uh, math... Did I say that already? Anyway, you know, just all the stuff you want your kids to know, it's been covered, okay? So... it was great to meet you all, and, uh, [clicks tounge] drive safe.
Excuse me. Ever since you started teaching here, all my son can talk about is music. He says when he grows up, he wants to be a musician. Is this your influence?
Yeah, what...? Mr. Schneebly, why has my daughter become obsessed with David Geffen?
[holds up a copy of Yes's "Fragile"]
And how is this homework?
Okay, see, I would like to tell you about what we've been doing in here, but there's such a thing as teacher-student confidentiality, and I don't want to be in breach of educational law 'cause I could be dismembered by the teacher's union. So...
You expect us to believe this garbage?
[Dewey looks out in the hallway and sees a cop]
Mr. S, don't you think you should just tell them about the project?
Our class project. Every school in the state is competing.
It's not till next quarter, but Mr. S wanted us to get a head start.
Well, what's the project, Summer?
[Dewey sees the cop talking with Patty]
It's prestigious. A win will go on our permanent record, Mom.
You might as well tell 'em, Mr. Schneebly.
Okay, look, I've gotten to know your kids over the past few weeks, and they are awesome. Zack is an insane guitarist. He's the next Hendrix, and he's 10 years old. And Gordon here, he's a genius! He did a whole professional light show on his computer in three days. And, um... [Ned looks at Dewey as the cop continues talking with Patty] And-and-and-and Marta here, she's-she's-she's... She can hit an A above high C. Did you know that? 'Cause that's tough. Not many singers can do that. And-and, uh... [Mullins and another cop get in on the conversation between Patty, Ned, and the first cop] Uh... Uh... Summer... Summer is gonna be the first woman President of the United States of America, and she could run later this year even, and I would vote for her. Look, you guys, they're just all really cool kids. And if they were mine, I would be so proud. And I am proud, just to even know them. And, um...
C Cop
Sir, can I see you in the hall for a moment?
Can I just...? Let me just say a couple more things.
What's happening, Officer?
C Cop
Apparently, that man is not Ned Schneebly.
C Cop
This man is Ned Schneebly.
Yeah, he's not even a teacher!
Ned [points to Patty]
She did. She got it out of me. Sorry.
You're apologizing to him?!
Ned Sorry.
[to Dewey]
Ned... [looks at the real Ned, then Dewey] Ned, is this true? Who are you?
My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure I've touched them.
[The parents start murmuring in confusion; Dewey flees]
[Ned and Patty arrive home and see Dewey sulking at the table]
I have nothing to say to you.
Ned Me neither.
You know, Dewey, it's one thing to throw your life away, but then to put Ned's career in jeopardy is so selfish!
Hey! You're the one who told me to be like Ned and get a job.
Yeah, yeah, I told you to be like Ned, Dewey! I didn't tell you to be Ned! And you're not even gonna apologize?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING THE COPS! It's not like I murdered anybody! I just wanted to play a great show! I was this close!
Ned SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Would you both just cut it out for one second?!
[Patty mutters something under her breath, then leaves]
Look, I'm sorry, dude. I was desperate. You can't understand. It was easy for you to give up music. It ain't easy for me.
Ned It wasn't easy for me. I miss it.
Well, then why'd you give it up?
Ned 'Cause I couldn't keep kidding myself anymore. You can blame it all on bad luck, but in the end, maybe we just weren't that good. Sometimes, you gotta know when to quit.
Maybe you're right, maybe I suck.
Ned That's not what I said.
Well, music is my life, man. What do you want me to do?
Ned I don't know, but... I think it's time you moved out. Sorry.
