Wreck-It Ralph [first line]
My name's Ralph, and I'm a bad guy. Uh, let's see…I'm 9 feet tall, I weigh 643 pounds, got a bit of a temper on me. My passion levels very near the surface, I guess—not gonna lie. Anywho, what else, uh…I'm a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I'm very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. Thing is, fixing's the name of the game. Literally. Fix-It Felix Jr. So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He's nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, you will not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But, are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, "Ha!" and, "No, there aren't." For thirty years I have been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go. It's sad. Think about those guys at Asteroids? Boom, gone. Centipede? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it.
Ralph I don't wanna be the bad guy anymore.
K Kano
[the Bad-Anon members gasp; Bowser breathes fire balls; Clyde turns blue]
You can't mess with the program, Ralph!
Bison You're not goin' Turbo, are you?
Ralph Turbo?! No, I'm not going Turbo! C'mon, guys! Is it "Turbo" to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once in a while? Is it "Turbo" to want more out of life?
C Clyde
Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can't change who we are. The sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.
Zangief Hey. One game at a time, Ralph.
[Ralph has just scared away the Sugar Rush racers who were tearing apart Vanellope's pedal kart; she gets up off the ground, sniffling]
What are you looking at?
Ralph You're welcome, ya rotten little thief.
I'm not a thief! I just borrowed your stupid coin! I was gonna give it back to you as soon as I won the race!
Ralph It's not a coin! It's a medal!
Coin, medal, whatever! Just go back to your own dumb game and win another one.
Ralph I can't. I didn't win it in my game, I won it in Hero's Duty.
Hero's Doody? [bursts out laughing]
Ralph It's not that kind of duty!
I bet you really gotta watch where you step in a game called Hero's Doody! Ha ha ha! What'd you win the medal for, wiping? [Ralph rolls his eyes] I hope you washed your hands after you handled that medal!
Ralph Listen—
One more, one more: why did the hero flush the toilet? Say "Why?"
Ralph [unimpressed]
Why?
Because it was his "doody"!
Ralph How dare you insult Hero's Duty, you little guttersnipe! I earned that medal! And you better get it back for me toute-suite, sister!
Well, unless you've got a go-kart hidden in the fat folds of your neck, I can't help ya!
[at his breaking point, Ralph starts taking out his anger by smashing apart the candy that litters the junkyard; he comes across a jawbreaker and hits it repeatedly] [to herself]
What a moron. [to Ralph] Hey, genius! That's a jawbreaker! You're never gonna— [Ralph finally manages to smash the jawbreaker open; Vanellope gives an impressed smile] Oh…
[Ralph sits down, exhausted, and Vanellope approaches him]
Enjoy your little tantrum, Diaper-Baby?
Ralph Leave me alone.
Look, you want that medal, right? And I wanna race. So here's what I'm thinkin': You help me get a new kart—a real kart—and I'll win the race and get you back your medal!
Ralph You want me to help you?
All you gotta do is break somethin' for me. C'mon, what do you say, friend? [extends her hand]
Ralph We are not friends.
Aw, c'mon, pal! You son-of-a-gun! C'mon, buddy! Shake on it! C'mon, chumbo! Ralph, my man! M' main man! [seriously] Hey. My arm's getting tired. Do we have a deal or not?
Ralph [groans; defeatedly]
You better win. [shakes Vanellope's hand]
Ralph Hey, Cough Drop! Explain somethin' to me. If Vanellope was never meant to exist, then why is her picture on the side of the game console?
SB Sour Bill
Uh… [tries to make a run for it, but Ralph grabs him]
Ralph What's goin' on in this candy-coated heart of darkness?
Ralph Talk!
Ralph I'll lick you!
SB Sour Bill
You wouldn't.
Ralph Oh yeah? [licks Sour Bill]
SB Sour Bill
Ugh! It's like sandpaper!
Ralph Mmm, I wonder how many licks it'll take to get to your center?
SB Sour Bill
I'll take it to my grave!
Ralph Fair enough. [tosses Sour Bill into his mouth] Oh, they call you Sour Bill for a reason! [Sour Bill lets out a muffled scream; Ralph takes him out] Had enough yet?
SB Sour Bill
Okay, okay, I'll talk, I'll talk! Vanellope was a racer until King Candy tried to delete her code!
Ralph Tried to delete her code? So that's why she's a glitch! Why is he doing this to her?!
SB Sour Bill
I don't know!
Ralph Suit yourself. [starts to put Sour Bill back in his mouth]
SB Sour Bill
No, no, no, no, no, no! I swear I don't know! He literally locked up our memories and I cannot remember! Nobody can! But I do know this. He'll do anything to keep her from racing. Because if she crosses the finish line, the game will reset, and she won't be a glitch anymore!
Ralph Where is she now?
SB Sour Bill
In the fungeon with Fix-It Felix.
Ralph Felix?!
SB Sour Bill
I'm sorry! That's all I know, that's all I know, I swear! Now please, don't put me back in your filthy mouth again! [sobs]
Ralph [sticks Sour Bill to a lollipop tree]
Stick around! [gathers up the remains of Vanellope's broken go-kart and takes off]
SB Sour Bill
Yes, okay. I will, I will. Thank you.
Ralph [bursts through the wall of Felix's jail cell]
Felix!
Ralph! [jumps up; hugs Ralph] I'm so glad to see you! [lets go] Wait. No, I'm not! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Ralph I—
Wait! I don't want to hear it. I'm not talking to you.
Ralph Okay. Don't talk. That's fine. [dumps out a can full of the broken go-kart] But you have to fix this go-kart for me, pronto.
I don't have to do boo! Forgive my potty mouth. I'm just so…so cross with you! Do you have any idea what you've put me through?! I ran higgeldy-piggeldy all over creation looking for you! I almost drowned in chocolate milk mix! And then…I met the most dynamite gal. Oh. She gives me the honey glows somethin' awful. But…she rebuffed my affections. And then, I got thrown in jail!
Ralph Felix, pull yourself together!
No, Ralph! You have no idea what it's like to be rejected and treated like a criminal! [turns away]
Ralph Yes, I do. That's every day of my life.
Ralph Which is why I ran off. I tried to be a good guy, but I'm not! I'm just a bad guy. But I need your help. There's a little girl whose only hope is this kart. Please, Felix, fix it! And I promise, I will never try to be good again.
[Felix smiles; pulls out his hammer]
Wreck-It Ralph [After Felix fixed the building]
When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? [The Nicelanders glare at Ralph and throw him off the building] To that, I say, "Ha!"
8B 8-bit Ralph
AHHHHHHHH! [Lands on a pile of mud]
Wreck-It Ralph And no. There aren't. [the camera pans away from the cabinet as many gamers play Fix-It Felix Jr. and other games in a acrade named Litwak's Family Fun Center & Arcade] 30 years I've been doing this, [time lapses and various arcade machines are removed as time passes] and I have seen a lot of other games come and go. Kinda sad. Think about those guys at Asteroids? Boom! Gone. Centipede? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I'm very lucky. It's just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it. [cut to the present day in the night, as the arcade’s titular owner, Mr. Stan Litwak, leaves and closes the arcade. Yuni Verse from Dance Dance Revolution X2 sees Litwak leaving and stops dancing]
YV Yuni Verse
All clear! The arcade’s closed! [cut to a cabinet of Street Fighter II where Ryu is fighting Ken]
Ryu Shoyoken! [stops fighting] Phew, what a day. So, you wanna head over to Tapper’s, Ken?
Ken If you’re buying, Buddy. [He and Ryu leave their game.]
[Ralph and Gene are arguing during Felix's 30th anniversary]
How about we just eat the cake?
G Gene
Hang on, Felix needs to be on the roof because he's about to get his medal!
Wreck-It Ralph Well, then, how about we just take that medal and give it to Ralph for once. Would that be the end of the world Gene?
G Gene
Now you're just being ridiculous, only good guys win medals And you sir are no good guy!
Wreck-It Ralph I could be a good guy if I wanted to and I could win a medal.
G Gene
Uh-huh. And when you do, come and talk to us.
Wreck-It Ralph And then would you finally let me be on top of the cake with you guys?!
G Gene
If you won a medal, we'd let you live up here in the penthouse, but it will never happen because you're just the bad guy who wrecks the building.
Wreck-It Ralph No, I'm not.
Wreck-It Ralph No, I'M NOT!!!! [angrily smashes the cake and everyone gasps]
Wreck-It Ralph Alright, Gene. You know what? I'm gonna win a medal. Oh, I am gonna win a medal! The shiniest medal this place has ever seen! A medal that will be so good that it will make Felix's medals...WET THEIR PANTS!! And good night. Thank you for the party. [Ralph exits]
Ralph [looking into the lost and found crate]
Okay, let's see what we got here. [a cockroach lands on his hand] Shoo! Shoo! Go on, get out of here. [flicks it off, finds a Super Mushroom] Mushroom. No. [puts it back, finds a Metal Gear Solid exclamation point] What is this? No. [he tosses it, and finds Zangief's underwear] Oh come on, Zangief! Gross. [he drops it back in] What am I doing?
Ralph [a heavily armored space marine, Markowski, bumps past Ralph]
Hey, excuse you!
M Markowski
[Markowski staggers on and right into the wall again and again, in a walk cycle.] [mumbling, shell-shocked]
We are humanity's last hope. Our mission? Destroy all Cy-Bugs. We are humanity's last hope.
Ralph [stands and looks at him, curious]
Uh... You okay there, space cadet?
M Markowski
[Markowski whips around quickly and grabs Ralph by the collar.] [traumatized]
WE’VE ONLY BEEN PLUGGED IN A WEEK, AND EVERY DAY IT’S "CLIMB THE BUILDING, THEN FIGHT BUGS, CLIMB THE BUILDING, FIGHT MORE BUGS!!!"
Ralph Yeah, yeah. Right. Look. Easy on the overalls, spaceman. It's tough all over, all right?
M Markowski
And all for what, a lousy medal?!
Ralph [realizes]
Medal? You win a medal?
M Markowski
Yeah, Medal of Heroes.
Ralph Ooh. Is it shiny?
M Markowski
Eh... Pretty shiny.
Ralph Ooh! And it says "hero" on it?
M Markowski
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
Ralph And you say you win it by climbing a building?
M Markowski
AND FIGHTING BUGS!
Ralph Right, bugs. Listen, is there any chance I could go with you to your game and, you know, maybe get one of those medals?
Ralph Does that mean "maybe"?
M Markowski
NO! Look, only the bravest and the best serve in our corps. [sees a cockroach who climbs on Ralph's shoulder] BUG!!! [emits a high-pitched scream and runs straight into the wall, knocking himself out]
[Ralph sees the helmet rolling to him in front, then smiles as he flicks the cockroach off his shoulder]
KC King Candy
[arrives in his car]
Hello!
Wreck-It Ralph YOU!!
KC King Candy
[desperately trying to placate Wreck-It-Ralph]
Now, now, I come alone, unarmed.
Wreck-It Ralph [angry and hurling a jawbreaker at King Candy]
I've had ENOUGH of you, pillowpants!
KC King Candy
[dodging the jawbreaker and begging for mercy]
Please, calm down, please, just.. look..
Wreck-It Ralph [lividly]
I'M GONNA BEAT THE FILLING OUTTA YOU!!!
KC King Candy
AHHH!! [immediately dons a pair of glasses] You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? [Ralph yanks the glasses off and breaks them over Candy's head] AHHH! You hit a guy with glasses. That's... that's... well-played. [Wreck-It Ralph GRABS King Candy by his lapels] AAAHHH!!
Wreck-It Ralph [threateningly]
What do you want, Candy?
KC King Candy
Listen...I..I...just want to talk to you!
Wreck-It Ralph I'm not interested in anything you have to say.
KC King Candy
Well, how about this...are you interested... [produces Hero's Duty medal] in this?
Wreck-It Ralph [surprised]
My medal?...How did you...?
KC King Candy
It doesn't matter. It's yours! Go ahead, take it. [Wreck-It-Ralph takes the medal] All I ask is that you hear me out.
Wreck-It Ralph [becoming skeptical]
About what?
King Candy: Ralph, do you know what the hardest part about being a king is? Doing what's right, no matter what.
Wreck-It Ralph Get to the point.
KC King Candy
Point being, I need your help. Sad as it is, Vanellope...cannot be allowed to race.
Wreck-It Ralph [outraged]
WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO AGAINST HER?!?!
KC King Candy
I'm not against her!! I'm just trying to protect her.
I'm back! Did you miss me?
Wreck-It Ralph Yeah. Uh... Hey, can we talk for a second?
Wreck-It Ralph What? No, we really...
Wreck-It Ralph Okay.
[He kneels down]
Now, close your eyes.
Wreck-It Ralph Vanellope...
Shush! Close them! [He shuts them. She ties something around his neck]
Wreck-It Ralph [He looks down and sees a small, handmade candy heart on a string, on which is hand-painted the words: "To Stinkbrain."]
"To Stinkbrain." Gee, thanks.
[He does. On the back is painted the words: "You're my Hero."]
I made it for you. Just in case we don't win. Not that I think there's even a remote chance we're not going to win.
Wreck-It Ralph Thanks, kid. Listen...
Now rise, my royal chump. I've got a date with destiny. [Ralph doesn't move] Ralph, come on. Move your molasses.
Wreck-It Ralph Um... I've been thinking.
Wreck-It Ralph Who cares about this stupid race anyway? Right?
[laughs]
That's not funny, Ralph.
Wreck-It Ralph No, I'm serious, and it was really fun to build the car and everything. But maybe you shouldn't do it.
Hello? Is Ralph in there? I'd like to speak to him, please.
Wreck-It Ralph Look, what I'm saying is you can't be a racer.
[That gets her attention]
What? Why would you... [Her eyes go down to his chest and she sees something] Wait a minute. [She pulls the Medal of Heroes out of Ralph's pocket]
Wreck-It Ralph No! (Stop!)
Wreck-It Ralph Look, I'm going to be straight with you, kid. I've been talking to King Candy.
Wreck-It Ralph Yeah.
Wreck-It Ralph No, I didn't... Listen, you don't understand!
No, I understand plenty, traitor! [She throws the medal at him, which hits him in the face and falls to the ground. She jumps back in the kart]
Wreck-It Ralph I'm not a traitor. Listen--
You're a RAT!!!! And I don't need you, and I can win the race on my own.
Wreck-It Ralph But I'm trying to save your skin, kid! [Ralph grabs and picks her up out of the kart. She glitches furiously]
Wreck-It Ralph No! You listen to me! [He sets her down. She immediately makes a dash for the kart. Ralph blocks her way. She struggles to get around him] Do you know what's gonna happen when the players see you glitchin', they're gonna think the game's broken.
I don't care! You're a liar!
Wreck-It Ralph No, you better care, because if your game goes out of order...
I'm not listening to you!
Wreck-It Ralph ...you go down with the shipped, little sister!
GET OUTTA MY WAY!! I'm going to that race!
Wreck-It Ralph No, you're not! [He grabs her hood]
Aah! [grunts, Ralph hangs Vanellope by her hood on the edge of a lollipop tree] Take me down from here, Ralph, RIGHT…
Wreck-It Ralph NO!!!!!!
Wreck-It Ralph I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! [He goes over to the kart and clenches his fists. She struggles to get free, but can't]
Wait, wait, wait. No. No. No, no, no, no! Please, Ralph! [But he doesn't stop and smashes his fists onto the kart; screams in shock] NOOOOO!! RALPH, STOP IT! STOP IT! NOOOOO!! [Ralph destroys the kart. She breaks down sobbing and cold, then she glitches and lands on her knees on the ground. Ralph turns to her, heartbroken] You really are a bad guy. [She runs away crying and sick into the mountain entrance. Ralph hangs his head. He sighs, then walks over and picks up his medal and leaves Sugar Rush.]
