Cal Naughton, Jr. Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!
2nd most-quoted character in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006): in 27 of its 177 quotes
Most scenes with: Ricky Bobby (7), Jean Girard (2), Carley (2)
I like to think of Jesus with like giant eagles wings and singin' lead vocals for lynyrd skynyrd with like an Angel Band, and 'm in the front row, and 'm hammered drunk...
More lines from Cal Naughton, Jr.
12 quotes Cal Naughton, Jr. Cal Naughton, Jr. I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a Tuxedo T-shirt, 'cause it says, like, "I want to be formal, but I'm here to party too." I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.
Cal Naughton, Jr. Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!
Cal Naughton, Jr. Shake and Bake!
Cal Naughton, Jr. Shake it! Before you Bake it!
Cal Naughton, Jr. Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're gonna get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!
Cal Naughton, Jr. We missed you at the wedding. It was really classy. We had a Styx cover band, and a nacho fountain. Check it, it was a nacho fountain.
Cal Naughton, Jr. What's implication mean?
Cal Naughton, Jr. Abracadabra, homes.
Cal Naughton, Jr. Cause I like to party
Cal Naughton, Jr. [to Ricky, in the hospital]
There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. It was weird, I... I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow, that I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.
Cal Naughton, Jr. We go together like cocaine and waffles.
Scenes with Cal Naughton, Jr.
14 scenes
Cal
Shake and Bake?
Ricky
No. Never again.
Cal
You're right. I was a total dick, man.
Ricky
From now on, [points to Cal] it's Magic Man...[points to himself] and El Diablo.
Cal
What--What's Diablo mean?
Ricky
It’s, like, Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.
Cal
That's awesome! With the claws?
Ricky
Yeah, with the claws. With the claws and a beak!
Cal
How'd you come up with that, man?
Ricky
Just--sometimes, things click.
Ricky
Cal, you could say that 10,000 times, and it still wouldn't be enough.
Cal
It fires me up, man.
Ricky
I know, say it one more time.
Cal
Shake and Bake!
Whoo!
Ricky
Doesn't that feel good?
Cal
Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs...it's awesome!
Cal
Hey, when you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time, how do you control the volume on the T.V.?
Ricky
Why would you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time?
Cal
'Cause I like to party.
Cal
I like to think of Jesus with, like, big eagle's wings, singin' lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with, like, an angel band, and I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk...
Hey, Cal, why don't you just shut up?
Cal
Yes, ma'am.
Now, Ricky, the doctor told us we should let you work it out on your own sweet time, but...Ricky, you can walk.
Ricky
What'd you just say?
Cal
He's tellin' you the truth, man.
Ricky
You sick...sons of bitches! You walk in here, on your two legs, all fat, and cocky, and lookin' at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons! Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented, and star athletes, and they have their legs taken away! I mean, I pray you know that pain and that hurt!
DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME, RICKY BOBBY! DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON US! YOU are NOT paralyzed!
Ricky
I am SO paralyzed!
NO, NO!
Cal
Don't be rough on him, now.
No, he needs to know!
Cal
Okay.
He's always cryin' !
Cal
Alright, tough love it is, tough love. [to Ricky] Wake up, idiot!
Ricky
[pulls out a knife]
You wanna know what I am?! You wanna see what my life is?!
Don't do it!
Ricky
You wanna see what's goin' on here?!
Cal
Don't you stick that knife in your leg...
Ricky
[he sticks the knife in his leg] [pause]
AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!
Ricky, remember: The fieldmouse is fast, but the owl sees at night. [maniacal laughter]
Cal
That's kinda creepy, ain't it?
Cal
[talking to his crew chief over the radio]
Hey, Jarvis?
Jarvis Yeah, Cal?
Cal
If you slept with your best friend's wife, why would he apologize to you?
Jarvis Yeah, I don't know, Cal. That's weird.
Cal
That's what I'm sayin'! My head's all tied up...like a pretzel! I got a pretzel in my head!
Jarvis Cal, you should probably pay attention. I think he's passing you.
Cal
Is Ricky passing me in my subconscious?
Jarvis No, he's actually passin' you! That's happenin' right now!
Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of someone who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow."
Ricky
Well, just let me quote the late, great, Colonel Sanders. Who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
What has that got to do with this?
Cal
I got a message for all of them, ready? Shake...and Bake!
Ricky
What does that do, does that blow your mind? That just happened!
Cal
[as Ricky prepares to start his first race]
Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars?!
Ricky
Yeah!
Cal
Who's **** now?!
Ricky
Yeah!
Cal
Hey, what are you doin' after this?
Ricky
After the race?
Cal
Yeah!
Ricky
I don't know, but it feels like we're wastin' a lot of time!
Cal
Aw, I know! I'm just excited!
Eh, everybody, this is my 'usband, Gregory. [Everyone gasps, and someone drops their beer]
Gregory [waves]
See you at the track!
Cal
Did he just say "husband"?
Herschell
Sweet Lord! Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!
The room's startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of the gayness. Cal, I love you. [Ricky faints]
Cal Naughton, Jr. Ricky? Ricky! Oh, God!
Bob Jenkins
[The scene fades to black, then cuts to the middle of a SPEED Channel broadcast]
...But you know fans of NASCAR; the drivers; everybody is talking about this new driver Jean Girard. Let's find out a little more about him from our reporter Davey Wesling.
Davey Wesling
Talented. Eccentric. Dominating. These are the words that define Jean Girard. [clips of Girard tending to his horses are shown] Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses, who are also gay. [changes to clips of Girard with Gregory] Jean's days are filled with sun-drenched walks with his beloved husband Gregory. [cuts to Gregory training six German Shepherds to balance on each other] Though Gregory is no stay-at-home spouse: He's a world-class trainer of German Shepherds! Only time will tell if Jean's foray into NASCAR will end up in victory lane. [The SPEED anchors are dumbstruck]
Ricky
Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby.
Cal
And I'm Cal Naughton, Jr.
Ricky
We're here to tell you about snow blindness in cats. It's affecting more and more cats each year, and it scares the livin' shit out of us.
Ricky
You can't have two number ones.
Cal
Yeah... you can't, that makes eleven.
Ricky
I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.
Cal
I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.
Thank you, Cal.
That's real sweet of you, Cal.
Ricky
Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.
Cal
Well, I mean it.
Stop it, gonna make me cry.
Cal
It comes from the heart.
Other characters in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby
Will Ferrell
Jean Girard
Sacha Baron Cohen
Reese Bobby
Gary Cole
Texas Ranger Bobby
Grayson Russell
Walker Bobby
Houston Tumlin
Lucius
Michael Clarke Duncan
Glenn
Jack McBrayer
Bill Weber
Bill Weber
Carley
Leslie Bibb
Chip
Ted Manson
From outtakes
Susan
Amy Adams
Commercials
From Ricky and Cal's Commercials
