Dale quotes from Step Brothers (2008)

Dale

You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.

Brennan

You're not a doctor...you're a big, fat, curly-headed ****!

Dale

Why are you so sweaty?

Brennan

I was watching Cops.

Brennan

Did we just become best friends?

Dale

Yep!

Brennan

Do you wanna do Karate in the garage?

Dale

Yep!

Dale

What are you doing?

Brennan

I'm burying you!

Dale

But I'm alive! Brennan, I'm alive!

Brennan

You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!!

Dale

No!

Brennan

Now I'm gonna play your drum set!

Dale

Help me!

Brennan

Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.

Dale

Dad, What are you doing? It's Shark Week!

Robert

Here's the deal. Number one, you are gonna fix the **** dry wall, NOW!

Brennan

Hey. Are you awake?

Dale

Yeah. I can't believe we have actually have to move out of this house.

Brennan

I know. I feel bad.

Dale

Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.

Brennan

Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are.

Dale

You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.

Brennan

Yeah.

Dale

But I can't imagine how you feel...after my dad looked right at you and said...it's all your fault that they broke up.

Brennan

That's funny, because my mom said; "If that curly-headed **** Dale wasn't here, everything would be perfect."

Dale

You take that back.

Brennan

No way. It's your fault.

Dale

You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land, you refuse to get a job, and you don't even know what it's like to work for something!

Brennan

You don't take responsibility for your actions! And that's why this is all your fault!

Dale

Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public! (Brennan frustratingly walks out of the room) Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy! You know it's true! Just avoid everything! (Later, he hears drumming sounds) What are you doing?!

Brennan

"Dale broke up Mom and Dad..."

Dale

MOTHER****ER!!
(Dale screams while he runs toward the room where Brennan is playing his drum set; with Brennan distracted, Dale thereupon grabs a cymbal and bashes Brennan in the head with it)

Dale

You're right about your brother. (climbs inside) Total dick.

Brennan

Told you.

Brennan

Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?

What?

Brennan

If you lick my butthole.

Dale

SNAP!! (He and Brennan do a high-five)

Dale

Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?

Brennan

It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!

Robert

You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults, you can do what you want.

Dale

So...?

Robert

I'm not making myself clear... I don't give a ****. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds.

Dale

So...?

Brennan

We can..? No?

Nancy

Yes.

Brennan

Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it.

Dale

This is the funnest night ever!

Dale

Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?

Nancy

Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.

Brennan

Oh, he did?

Nancy

Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or...?

Dale

No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

Brennan

It was not silent...

Dale

It just kept going...

Brennan

It got louder...

Dale

It made a sound. It was embarrassing...

Brennan

It got louder.

I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.

Brennan

Great.

...Was that a fart?

Dale

I don't know.

I can taste it. On my tongue.

Dale

Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.

Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...

Brennan

Shit.

Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda messed up.

Dale

Dad, I can't believe you're being so stingy!

Nancy

Robert, come back down!

Brennan

It's a simple business decision!

Robert

You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!

Brennan

Hey, you listen to me, you geriatric ****! Two things! You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000!

Nancy

Oh, stop it.

Brennan

Listen, I know we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me, against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

Dale

I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

Dale

Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?

Brennan

Nope.

Dale

It's just weird 'cause...it seems like someone definitely touched my drum set.

Brennan

Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch em'.

Dale

Hey! (Angrily) Did you touch my drum set?!

Brennan

Hey, knock it off!

Dale

I know you touched my drum STICK. 'Cause the left one has a chip in it!

Brennan

Are you **** crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.

Dale

**** you, Brennan! I know you touched my drum set, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it!

Brennan

You get outta my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!

Dale

You swear on your mom's life you didn't touch it then?!

Brennan

I don't have to swear to shit!

Dale

That's 'cause you **** touched my drum set, 'cause I KNOW, Cops doesn't start till 4:00!

Dale

Where you going?

Brennan

I'm going upstairs. Cause I'm gonna put my nutsack on your drum set! Okay!? (He walks upstairs)

Dale

Don't you do that! I am WARNING you right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, IN THE NECK, WITH A KNIFE!

Robert

That's enough ketchup... Come on, Dale. (Pounds the table)

Dale

I like it!

Robert

That's enough.

Nancy

Dale, I don't know if you...you might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce"...

Brennan

For me.

Nancy

...That Brennan really likes with his chicken nuggets.

Brennan

It's my fancy sauce.

Nancy

Well, when Brennan finishes I'll give you some of this, and its...its just ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so..

Brennan

Its so good.

Dale

I want some fancy sauce.

Brennan

I'm not done using it.

Robert

Looks good.

Dale

Can I have some fancy sauce?

Nancy

Of course, of course.

Brennan

I'm using it right now

Nancy

So, let's let him try some. You wanna try some, Dale?

Dale

Yeah, I really would like some.

Brennan

Just one last spoonful. (Stops pouring the fancy sauce)

Nancy

Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan. So here you go. It's ketchup and mayonnaise.

Dale

Thanks. (Sniffs the sauce) Ugh! I don't like it. It smells weird.

Nancy

Okay.

Robert

I'll try some.

Nancy

You want some?

Robert

Sure, absolutely.

Nancy

Okay. You don't mind do you Brennan?

Brennan

No. (Brennan stops Robert from taking the sauce with his hand)

Nancy

Brennan..

Brennan

I'm not comfortable...

Robert

It's okay. It's probably not good on fish, anyway.

Dale

But my dad's king of the castle, so if he want fancy sauce, he should...

Robert

No, it's all right, Dale...

Brennan

Well, if he wants fancy sauce, he can make his own batch.

Nancy

So you know what? Today while you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really into Kung Fu, and I was telling him that you're really into Kung Fu as well.

Brennan

I have a green belt...read it and weep.

Dale

I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time, I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.

Robert

That's not true Dale, don't be ridiculous. (Dale looks down)

Nancy

So, Dale what have you been working on recently?

Dale

Well...I manage a baseball team.

Nancy

Little League?

Dale

Fantasy League.

Dale

Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.

Robert

Why don't you stop being so... confrontational, Dale?

Dale

I'm not the one staring at me!

Robert

So, Brennan, what about you? I know you used to work at PetSmart.

Brennan

That's right Mr. Doback.

Robert

Call me Robert.

Brennan

That's right, Robin.

Robert

Robert.

Brennan

....Robin.

Nancy

Actually, Brennan is a really talented person. He's a very gifted singer.

Brennan

I'm really really good.

Dale

How good?

Brennan

I've been called, "the song bird, of my generation"...THAT good.

Nancy

The only thing is, Brennan's very... particular about who he sings in front of so... I'm his mom, for example, and I've only heard him sing... twice.

Dale

That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too. In fact, I'll sing right now. (Singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls...

Robert

HEY!

Dale

Why don't you jump right in? It's a crotch party right up in here!

Robert

Stop it!

Dale

Why don't you suck on this big john?

Robert

Stop it, Dale! Stop it, stop it!

Brennan

That's cute. I remember when I had my first beer.

Dale

That's so funny the last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

Well, Brennan you certainly have had a lot of jobs.

Brennan

I'm a bit of a spark plug...and, Human Resources Lady, I think...

You know, actually, it's Pam.

Brennan

I'm sorry. Well, Pan...

No, my name is PAM.

Brennan

Are you saying Pam? or Pan?

I'm saying Pam. Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentlemen behind you? (Dale pokes his head out from behind Brennan)

Dale

Hello, Ms. Lady! I'm Dale, I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I may be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

Brennan

Yeah, that'd be great.

Dale

Pan.

Pam.

Brennan

Pand...There's a D on the end.

Dale

With an M.

There's no D. it's Pam.

Dale

It's like "Comb" except P-A-N-M. N-N. There's two N's.

Brennan

Two M's. That was the confusion.

I think we've had enough...

Brennan

Shush up for one second. Shut your mouth. Wait. Shut your mouth.

I'm sorry what did you say?

Brennan

You're just coming off stupid.

Oh. I'm coming off stupid? You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms! Please leave this office. We're done with this interview.

Brennan

Do we get any kind of souvenir?

Get out of my office!!

Brennan

The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria. I'll do you in the bottom while you're drinking sangria!

Dale

Nachos and Lemonheads...

...on my dad's boat!

Dale

You won't go down, 'cause my dick can float!

Brennan

We sail around the world, and go port to port. Every time I "****" I produce a quart.

Nancy

That is offensive, Brennan, Dale.

Brennan

Deadliest Catch without the crabs, we're almost out of gas...

Call the Arabs!

Boats and hoes, boats and hoes, I gotta have me my boats and hoes...

Nancy

Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.

Brennan

Mom, I honestly thought I was going to be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes, and at one point he said, "Let's get it on".

Dale

That was about the fighting! I'm so not a raper!

Dale

Dad. We're men, okay? That means a few things; we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we like to go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.

Robert

We literally have never done any of those things.

Dale

The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the **** in the meantime.

Brennan

Who's the ****?

Dale

You.

Brennan

Hey ya'll don't say that!

Dale

Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.

Brennan

Just shut up.

Dale

You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.

Brennan

You're not a doctor... You're a big, fat, curly-headed ****.

Dale

Oh, yeah?

Brennan

Yeah.

Dale

I'm a curly-headed ****?

Brennan

Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face.

Dale

I hope you stay still when you sleep... because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.

Brennan

I'm gonna take a pillow case... and fill it... full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you. (Dale turns away from Brennan)

Dale

I want you out of my **** house.

Brennan

No way, Kemosabe. This is my house now.

Dale

Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my God. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.'

Robert

Shut the **** up!!

Brennan

Your drum set's a whore! I tea bagged your **** drum set!

Dale

Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you ****er!

Dale

Where do you think you're going?

Brennan

Huh?

Home.

Dale

We got something to show you.

Brennan

Come on. (Later, they torture Gardocki with white dog excrement, as Brennan is holding him by the neck) You see that white dog crap?!

Dale

Do you see it?!

Yeah!

Dale

Not too fun down there, is it?!

No!

Brennan

You see, your actions have consequences!

Dale

When you oppress people, they rise up in a fiery anger!!

Brennan

Go home!

Dale

We're not like you! We're grownups, mother****er!

Brennan

Say "hi" to your dad! We went to high school together!

Dale

Dad, what are you doing? It's Shark Week!

Robert

Okay, here's the deal. Number one, you will fix the **** dry wall, NOW! Number two, you have one month to find jobs or you're on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday, and you will GO!

Dale

Dad, why are you talking to me like this? I'm your son.

Robert

I'm not buying that crap anymore.

Nancy

Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.

Brennan

Mom, I honestly thought I was going to be raped, for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes and a one point he said “let’s get it on”.

Dale

That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!

Brennan

Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, okay?

Dale

I witnessed with my eyes, your testicles touching my drums set.

Robert

ALL RIGHT, THAT’S IT!! That’s it. You two guys leave me no choice. No television for a week.

Dale and Brennan

WHAT!?

Nancy

We are so serious, guys. [takes the remote from them]

Brennan

You’re **** high!

Dale

Are you out of your mind!?

Nancy

Goes in Robert’s wall safe...

Brennan

Come on.

Nancy

And it's gonna stay there.

Dale

No!

Robert

Okay.

Brennan

This house is a **** prison!

Dale

On ‘Planet Bullshit’!

Brennan

In the galaxy of ‘This Sucks Camel Dicks’!!!

Does butt buddy have a name?

Brennan

If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name. It's Brennan Huff.

If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit, I'm gonna plow you into your nose with my fist.

Brennan

I'm not licking any white dog shit.

Dale

I'll lick the dog shit if you leave us alone.

Brennan

Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay?

Dale

Huh?

Brennan

They're kids.

Dale

But it's just dog shit.

Brennan

It's ridiculous!

Brennan

So... Big question is, aside from the damage to the boat, which we will fix, what'd you guys think of the presentation?

Nancy

Brennan, I think that what you did to Robert's boat was horrid. Having said that, I think that both of you boys showed a lot of enthusiasm and inventiveness.

Brennan

Yes, thank you.

Robert

You gotta be kidding me. They destroyed our dream and you're calling it inventive.

Nancy

No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.

Robert

Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Come on, you did. It's gonna be four years, at least, before we can sail anywhere. And you could care less, admit it.

Nancy

I will not admit that, because it is not true.

Robert

Oh, yeah.

Nancy

But, you know, I do think that you could show a little bit more attentiveness to your son and your stepson who obviously need you.

Brennan

It's true, Dr. Doback. You've been very cold and unsupportive of our dreams.

Robert

You wrecked my **** boat, you GOON!

Nancy

Don't speak to my son like that!

Robert

Your son's costing me $80,000.

Dale

Look, we could bicker about this all night, but what's done is done, Dad. Are you guys gonna invest or not?

Robert

That's it! That's it!

Dale

Dad, the wheel!

Dale

Dad, I can't believe you're being so stingy!

Nancy

Robert, come back down!

Brennan

It's a simple business decision!

Robert

You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!

Brennan

Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric ****!

Nancy

Brennan.

Brennan

Two things! You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000!

Nancy

Oh, stop it.

Brennan

Or we're gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass!

Nancy

Brennan!

Brennan

You can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces SHIT!!!

Robert

Alright, here we go.

Nancy

Oh, my lord. Calm down.

Robert

Somebody should've done this a long time ago, and I'm gonna do it.

Dale

Dad, what are you doing?

Nancy

Robert.

Robert

You have to learn there are consequences for your actions.

Nancy

Wait! Oh, no!

Dale

Dad!

Nancy

Robert! Oh!

Dale

Dad, this is not the answer.

Robert

You're next, mister. You understand me?

Dale

Yes, sir.

Robert

Certain behaviors...

Brennan

Let go of me. Ow!

Robert

...will not be tolerated!

Brennan

My ass is on fire!

So I just drove off, I started going on my way to Chad Michael Murray’s Christmas party. I think that was the year. And just driving…

Nancy

I have to interrupt you. Robert, while the children are in the living room, I think this would be a good time to make our announcement.

Dale

What’s going on?

Robert

It's over. I'm gonna be moving in with my friend, Jack Handle, and Nancy found a townhouse in the city.

Brennan

What is this? What’s happening?

Nancy

What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce.

Brennan

Don't do this.

Dale

No. No!

I gotta say, I could've called this one. Yeah.

Dale

No.

Yeah.

Brennan

Is it our fault?

Dale

Is it because we were bad?

Nancy

No, that’s the main thing that Robert and I talked about is that we did not want you two to blame yourselves.

Dale

What can we do to fix it?

Dale, honey, are you okay?

Why are you calling him "honey"?

Nancy

I cannot stress this enough. It is not your fault.

Dale

Whose fault is it? Oh, I wanna **** know!

Robert

Let's cut the shit, it is-it is directly your fault.

Nancy

Robert--

Robert

You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other. It is absolutely 150% your fault!

Of course it's their fault. They're the two biggest dickheads in the world, and they're living in your house.

Nancy

Shut up, Derek.

I'm sorry, but--

Nancy

Please don't cry like that. Please don't, Brennan.

Dale

Mommy!

DALE!!!!!!

Nancy

I told you that they would feel completely to blame.

Robert

Let's grow up.

Dale

I'm going to throw up. I think I'm going to throw up.

Nancy

Don't throw up.

Dale

All the nice dinner that I had. I'm gonna throw it up.

Robert

You're not gonna throw up, Dale. You're not gonna throw up.

He's gonna throw up.

Come on.

Robert

My God, he threw up. Oh, this is ugly.

Hey, guys. Guys.

Dale

This is not nice!

Alright, dipshits. Right here.

Dale

Stop it, Derek.

1, 2, 3...

Dale

I don't want my picture taken right now!

Brennan

So I guess it's really over.

Dale

I'd say you trying to bury me alive pretty much did it.

Brennan

You know what I just realized? You've been the one that's been dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna get a job and an apartment; and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together. I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it!

Dale

My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had a perfect setup, and you wrecked it!

Brennan

Hey... [Dale turns to him] We're no longer brothers.

Dale

We never were. We were stepbrothers.
[Dale walks away from Brennan]

Robert

Listen to me. Listen to me, Dale. Look, when I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard and I chased the neighborhood cats, and I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And then one day my dad said, "Bobby, you're 17. It's time to throw childish things aside." And I said, "Okay, Pop." But he didn't really say that, he said, "Stop being a **** dinosaur and get a job." But you know, I thought to myself, "I'll go to medical school, I'll practice for a little while, and then I'll come back to it."

Dale

Dad...

Brennan

How is that a skill?

Robert

But I forgot how to do it.

Dale

You're human. You could never be a dinosaur.

Brennan

Yeah.

Robert

Hey, I lost it.

Dale

Dad, what's the point?

Brennan

Yeah.

Robert

The point is don't lose your dinosaur. Yeah.