Ricky Bobby [running around on the track in his underwear]
Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
Most-quoted character in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006): in 57 of its 177 quotes
Most scenes with: Cal Naughton, Jr. (7), Jean Girard (5), Lucius (5)
Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, don't even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent. We'd just like to thank you for all the races 've won and the $21.2 million, LOVE THAT MONEY! That I have accrued over this past season. Also due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention PowerAde at each grace, I just wanna say that PowerAde is delicious and it cools you off on a hot summer day and we look forward to PowerAde's release of mystic mountain blueberry. Thank you, for all your power and your grace, Dear Baby God, Amen
More lines from Ricky Bobby
30 quotes Ricky Bobby Ricky Bobby Help me, Oprah Winfrey!
Ricky Bobby I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then **** you.
Ricky Bobby Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!
Ricky Bobby I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just waiting on those two things to just kinda flesh themselves out.
Ricky Bobby [talking to Reese Bobby]
Hello Professor Dickweed.
Ricky Bobby Dear 8 pound 6 ounce Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you J?sus...we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or T.R., as we call him. And of course my red hot smokin' wife, Carley, who is a stone cold fox (Cal: MMMMM!), who if you would rate her ass on 100 it would easily be a 94. I also want to thank you for my best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton Jr, Who's got my back no matter what (Cal: Shake and Bake)
Ricky Bobby Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we also like to thank you for my wife's father Chip, we hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it.
Ricky Bobby Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...
Ricky Bobby Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin' grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.
Ricky Bobby Dear Tiny Jesus, in your golden fleece diapers with your tiny, little fat balled up fists
Ricky Bobby Look, I like the baby version the best, you hear me? I win the races and I get the money
Ricky Bobby Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
Ricky Bobby Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!
Ricky Bobby Hey losing is never fun but here's a little something to keep your spirits up.... (flips bird) its real nice... got it at Target.... It's on sale.
Ricky Bobby [driving his first race]
Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!
Ricky Bobby The room is startin' to spin real fast...cause of...cause of gayness.
Ricky Bobby Mr. Dennit, with all due respect... I had no idea that you had an experimental surgery to have your balls removed.
Ricky Bobby [Looking under the hood of his race car]
Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
Ricky Bobby Yep, I'm flyin' through the air, this is not good.
Ricky Bobby [to his father-in-law]
The only thing you ever did with your life is make a hot daughter! That's it!
Ricky Bobby [to Girard]
I've got you, Pepe Le Bitch!
Ricky Bobby [getting ready to bump Girard in a race]
Hey, it's me, America!
Ricky Bobby Slingshot: engage.
Ricky Bobby I'm not sure what to do with my hands.
Ricky Bobby You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.
Ricky Bobby Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' it with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on.
Ricky Bobby There's a god damn cougar in the car!
Ricky Bobby In the words of the late great Colonel Sanders: I'm too drunk to taste this chicken
Ricky Bobby Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
Scenes with Ricky Bobby
26 scenesNow, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about 2 minutes before they show up, and you do five to ten. So, what's it gonna be? Fear...or prison?
Ricky
What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Real simple, son! Cops are comin'! There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam underneath the car! Time to be a man! You got hair on your peaches or what?
Cal
Shake and Bake?
Ricky
No. Never again.
Cal
You're right. I was a total dick, man.
Ricky
From now on, [points to Cal] it's Magic Man...[points to himself] and El Diablo.
Cal
What--What's Diablo mean?
Ricky
It’s, like, Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.
Cal
That's awesome! With the claws?
Ricky
Yeah, with the claws. With the claws and a beak!
Cal
How'd you come up with that, man?
Ricky
Just--sometimes, things click.
Ricky
Cal, you could say that 10,000 times, and it still wouldn't be enough.
Cal
It fires me up, man.
Ricky
I know, say it one more time.
Cal
Shake and Bake!
Whoo!
Ricky
Doesn't that feel good?
Cal
Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs...it's awesome!
Monsieur "Booby", by defeating me today, you have set me free. And for that, I thank you. [He offers his hand to Ricky]
Ricky
[shoving Girard's hand away]
I will never shake your hand. Ever. But I will give you this...[he passionately kisses Girard]
Sir...you taste...of America.
Ricky
Thank you. [Girard leans in for another kiss] Noooo...once was good. Once was good.
Ricky
[after Reese offers to help him go fast again]
Fine. I'll do it. But I ain't callin' you Daddy.
Well, what are you gonna call me then?
Ricky
[later]
All right, Professor Dickweed, what's the plan?
Cal
Hey, when you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time, how do you control the volume on the T.V.?
Ricky
Why would you have the stereo and the T.V. on at the same time?
Cal
'Cause I like to party.
Now, Ricky, the doctor told us we should let you work it out on your own sweet time, but...Ricky, you can walk.
Ricky
What'd you just say?
Cal
He's tellin' you the truth, man.
Ricky
You sick...sons of bitches! You walk in here, on your two legs, all fat, and cocky, and lookin' at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons! Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented, and star athletes, and they have their legs taken away! I mean, I pray you know that pain and that hurt!
DON'T YOU PUT THAT EVIL ON ME, RICKY BOBBY! DON'T YOU PUT THAT ON US! YOU are NOT paralyzed!
Ricky
I am SO paralyzed!
NO, NO!
Cal
Don't be rough on him, now.
No, he needs to know!
Cal
Okay.
He's always cryin' !
Cal
Alright, tough love it is, tough love. [to Ricky] Wake up, idiot!
Ricky
[pulls out a knife]
You wanna know what I am?! You wanna see what my life is?!
Don't do it!
Ricky
You wanna see what's goin' on here?!
Cal
Don't you stick that knife in your leg...
Ricky
[he sticks the knife in his leg] [pause]
AAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!
Ricky
No one plays jazz here at The Pit Stop!
Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender
We keep it on there for profiling purposes. We also got the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
Dick Berggren Dick Berggren reporting from Las Vegas victory lane for FOX television. Ricky, obviously a huge win for you today, but it seems as if you either win, or crash the car trying to win.
Ricky
Well, Dick, here's the deal: I'm the best there is, plain and simple. I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence. You know, nobody can hang with my stuff. I'm just a--just a big, hairy, American winning machine. If you ain't first, you're last! You know? You know what I mean? That phrase is trademarked and not to be used without the expressed permission of Ricky Bobby, Inc.
Mike Joy Ricky Bobby, who never met a sponsor he wouldn't push, has a huge Fig Newtons sticker on his windshield.
Darrell Waltrip
I think NASCAR'll give him the black flag for that.
Mike Joy He sold the windshield!
Ricky
This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love Fig Newtons.
Soon you will know what it is like to be defeated by the hands of someone who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow."
Ricky
Well, just let me quote the late, great, Colonel Sanders. Who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."
What has that got to do with this?
Cal
I got a message for all of them, ready? Shake...and Bake!
Ricky
What does that do, does that blow your mind? That just happened!
Do you know why I came to America, "Reecky Booby"?
Ricky
Public schools, health care systems, giant water parks, I mean, the same reason anybody comes to America.
I came here for you to beat me.
Ricky
What the hell are you talkin' about?
My husband Gregory and I wish for only that which every other couple wishes for: to retire to Stockholm and design a currency for dogs and cats to use. But before I can do that...
Ricky
That's dumb.
It's not dumb!
Ricky
It is dumb.
Why is it dumb?
Ricky
I don't know.
But before I can do that, I must be defeated by a driver who's truly better than me.
Ricky
So you're gonna lose to me on purpose?
No.
Ricky
No?
NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart, and you will probably lose, but maybe, juuuust maybe, you might challenge me. God needs the Devil. The Beatles needed The Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my...Katie Couric?
Ricky
Wow. [chuckles] I feel like I'm in Highlander.
Ricky
It's a movie.
Any good?
Ricky
Very good. It won the Academy Award.
Oh? For what?
Ricky
For best movie ever made. Look, I came here to tell you one thing: Come race time tomorrow, I'm comin' for you, all right?
May God be with you.
Ricky
Yeah.
Because although today I am friendly...tomorrow...will be WAR!
Ricky
All right.
[telling Ricky why he should get back into racing]
It's because it's what you love to do. It's who you were born to be. And here you sit--thinking! Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer, and that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab ahold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra. And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years! And it is good! And you use it! And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky! You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?!
Ricky
Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
Ricky
Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, in your golden, fleece diapers, with your curled-up, fat, balled-up little fists pawin' at the air...
He was a man! He had a beard!
Ricky
I like the baby version the best, do you hear me?! I win the races and I get the money! I work too hard for your bull, Chip.
Ricky
Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...
Um, sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him baby. It's a bit odd and off-puttin' to pray to a baby.
Ricky
Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin' grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.
Ricky
I'm really gonna open it up now! Whoo! I missed you, Mama Speed! Ricky Bobby's back!
Mr. Dennit Wait, h--how fast is he going?
Uh, 26 miles an hour.
Ricky
What were those things? Were those the other cars?!
Listen, if we don't get that car back on the track, our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast?
Ricky
[raising his hand]
I wanna go fast!
Cal
[as Ricky prepares to start his first race]
Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars?!
Ricky
Yeah!
Cal
Who's **** now?!
Ricky
Yeah!
Cal
Hey, what are you doin' after this?
Ricky
After the race?
Cal
Yeah!
Ricky
I don't know, but it feels like we're wastin' a lot of time!
Cal
Aw, I know! I'm just excited!
How does one get thrown out of an Applebee's?
Ricky
You're about to find out.
I don't wanna rain on your parade, but that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life.
Ricky
Thank you.
Now, I know you won the race, but you're not gonna live forever.
Ricky
Oh, I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one. But with advances in modern science, and my high level of income, I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300.
Mr. Dennit Ricky, your little obscene gesture is going to cost you 100 points. Do you know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?
Ricky
With all due respect, Mr. Dennit, I had no idea you'd gotten experimental surgery to have your balls removed.
Mr. Dennit What did you just say to me?
Ricky
What? I said it with all due respect!
Mr. Dennit Just because you say that doesn't mean you get to say whatever you want to me!
Ricky
Yes, it does!
Mr. Dennit No, it doesn't!
Ricky
It's in the Geneva Conventions, look it up!
Ricky Bobby How was school today, boys?
I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge. [Chip is startled]
Ricky Bobby Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
Well, the teacher asked me what was the capitol of North Carolina. I said Washington D.C.
Bingo!
Ricky Bobby Nice.
And she said 'No, you're wrong.' I said 'You got a lumpy butt!' She got mad at me and yelled at me, and I pissed in my pants. And I never did change my pee pants all day, I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee pants.
I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
[During the victory celebration after a race where Ricky beats Jamie McMurray by driving in reverse]
I don't wanna rain on your parade, but that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life.
Ricky Bobby Thank you.
Now, I know you won the race, but you're not gonna live forever.
Ricky Bobby Oh, I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one. But with advances in modern science, and my high level of income, I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?
No, I don't know what that means. I guess, uh, longer life.
Ricky Bobby Well, no, he didn't live.
Oh, he didn't live?
Ricky Bobby I mean, it's just exciting that we're tryin' things like that.
Eh, everybody, this is my 'usband, Gregory. [Everyone gasps, and someone drops their beer]
Gregory [waves]
See you at the track!
Cal
Did he just say "husband"?
Herschell
Sweet Lord! Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate!
Ricky Bobby The room's startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of the gayness. Cal, I love you. [Ricky faints]
Ricky? Ricky! Oh, God!
Bob Jenkins
[The scene fades to black, then cuts to the middle of a SPEED Channel broadcast]
...But you know fans of NASCAR; the drivers; everybody is talking about this new driver Jean Girard. Let's find out a little more about him from our reporter Davey Wesling.
Davey Wesling
Talented. Eccentric. Dominating. These are the words that define Jean Girard. [clips of Girard tending to his horses are shown] Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses, who are also gay. [changes to clips of Girard with Gregory] Jean's days are filled with sun-drenched walks with his beloved husband Gregory. [cuts to Gregory training six German Shepherds to balance on each other] Though Gregory is no stay-at-home spouse: He's a world-class trainer of German Shepherds! Only time will tell if Jean's foray into NASCAR will end up in victory lane. [The SPEED anchors are dumbstruck]
Ricky Bobby [Deleted scene; Ricky's returned to the garage and is seen interacting with other drivers]
Hey, Greg.
Greg Biffle
Hey, Ricky. Good to see you back!
Ricky Bobby Thanks, bud.
Greg Biffle
You're not gonna be running around on pit road in your underwear again, are ya? Like Charlotte?
Ricky Bobby You know what? That hurts, man.
Greg Biffle
Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby Thanks.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
[Ricky next ends up in Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s stall]
Hey, Ricky Bobby. Good to see you again.
Ricky Bobby Thanks man.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
You still owe me that thirty bucks.
Ricky Bobby Oh, no, man. You said that was a gift.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
You're a dirty liar!
Ricky Bobby [Ricky next appears in Casey Mears's stall]
Hey, Casey.
Casey Mears
Hey, Ricky.
Ricky Bobby Hey, man.
Casey Mears
I'm gonna wreck you today. Just kidding.
Ricky Bobby [laughs]
That's a good one.
Casey Mears
Good to see you back.
Ricky Bobby [One of Ricky's commercials]
This is Ricky Bobby.
And I'm Cal Naughton, Jr.
Ricky Bobby Urging you never to travel to Tijuana.
Other characters in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Cal Naughton, Jr.
John C. Reilly
Jean Girard
Sacha Baron Cohen
Reese Bobby
Gary Cole
Texas Ranger Bobby
Grayson Russell
Walker Bobby
Houston Tumlin
Lucius
Michael Clarke Duncan
Glenn
Jack McBrayer
Bill Weber
Bill Weber
Carley
Leslie Bibb
Chip
Ted Manson
From outtakes
Susan
Amy Adams
Commercials
From Ricky and Cal's Commercials
More Will Ferrell characters
Ron Burgundy
Chazz Michael Michaels
Frank 'The Tank' Ricard
Brennan Huff
Buddy
Phil Weston
Megamind
Franz Liebkind