Phil Weston quotes from Kicking & Screaming (2005)

I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.

You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, OK? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juicebox.

Mike Ditka

YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?

I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy.

Mike Ditka

You're crazy!

I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.

Mike Ditka

WELL, YOU GO TO HELL!

No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

Mike Ditka

I'M NO JUICEBOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka

No, I'm not! You're like your old man!

I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!

Mike Ditka

If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!

I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!

What is that haunting aroma?

Phil Weston:I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.

Hey, I almost had you!
'Buck Weston: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
[kid starts attacking him] Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!

That's like the little jackal from hell!
Buck Weston: We've got balls!

And vitamins!

Buck Weston

But mostly balls!
Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]
[shout] Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.
Ann Hogan: You ease up on him.
Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.
Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car kids! don't look back! Run!
Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.
Beantown Employee: My name is Andy!
Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.
Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?
[indicating Phil's smaller sedan] Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
Referee: Where do I know you from?
Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!
Referee: No, that ain't it.
Phil Weston: That's definitely it!
Referee: I'll figure it out.
Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.
[pause] Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?
Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Oh, I see.
[pause] Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.
[realizing they are lesbians] Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston: No, they're different.
Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.
[she walks off with Donna] Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.
Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun: No sir.
Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.
[Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my hands strong
[waving hands, gesturing] Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
[quick cut to Ditka's house] Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
[lights a cigar] Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil] Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!
Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'
Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: C'mon!
Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...
Mike Ditka: '85.
Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!

Sam Weston

Dad, you're getting a little creepy.

I know, let's all bay at the moon.

Sam Weston

What?

You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!

Shut up out there!

You shut up in THERE!

Buck Weston

You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.

She didn't die! She divorced you!

Buck Weston

Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?
The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.
[throws down his clipboard and walks off] The Tigers: [parent picks it up] Can I have this?
Phil Weston: Sure.
The Tigers: Alllllright!

Mike Ditka

This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...

Don't get emotional...

Mike Ditka

When it's over...

When it's over...

Mike Ditka

You guys are gonna be champions!

Champions!

Mike Ditka

Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

On three, 'let's have fun'

One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!

Mike Ditka

'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?

Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot?

Barbara Weston

I am not a robot!

Mike Ditka

Did you just kick your son?

Yeah.

Umberto

Prima la carne, prima la carne.

Prima la carne.

Prima la carne.

What?

Umberto

Meat first, THEN soccer!

Right, meat comes first!

Take the field. Taka the fielda.

This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.

Mark Avery

Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

Mike Ditka

Shut up!

Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

You little... give it back!

Sorry about that.

How much do you think one of those things costs?

I have no idea.

Hi, you guys!

Barbara Weston

Hi!

Barbara Weston

Hi, Buck.

Buck Weston

Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!

Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay?
[Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed]

These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".

Here, hold this.

Barbara Weston

Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.

You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston

Who did that?

He did.

HE DID!

What? Nut'uh!
[the kids all descend upon him]

Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.

Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.

Sam Weston

You gotta lighten up.

He started it!

Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more!
Buck Weston: Heh.

I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!

Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

So when i took over for coach Benson...

I hear he's a woman now!

Buck Weston

Oooh.

Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.

I don't know *why* that's funny.

Ok, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.

Pizza at my house!

Mike Ditka

Every good thing starts with a Brat!

Sorry. It's really windy!

Barbara Weston

No it's not.

It is over there.

I was born a baby, a blank slate, thinking I was in control of my own destiny. And then I met my father.

Buck Weston

You better be good at this stuff.

What is wrong with you, Derek? I thought we were friends!

My name is Andy!

Your name is liar because you're telling lies! You know what the odds are I'll never come back here again? There's a good chance at that!

That's a chance we'll have to take.

Okay, if that's how you wanna play it.

Okay.

I am disappointed! [leaves]

Good!

My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game. He's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. In fact, I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

Mike Ditka

So Paul, what's on your mind?

Actually, it's Phil.

Ditka

You mean it's not Paul?

No.

Ditka

What's the difference? Come on, spit it out. [lights a cigar]

Uh, here it is--

Mike?

Ditka

Hold this. [gives cigar to Phil]

Ditka

Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Ditka

I'll get rid of it, honey.

Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.

Ditka

Soccer?

Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.

Ditka

Your assistant coach? You really don't know who I am, do you?

You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--

Ditka

Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?

Well, yeah.

Mike, I smell smoke!

Ditka

Nobody's smoking!

Mike!

Ditka

For Pete's sake! [to Phil] So, like, it's me and you against your old man?

I mean there are other teams--

Got ya!

Ditka

No smoking means no smoking!

Okay, come on, Phil!

Ditka

I'll throw this out the window, honey.

I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.

You should be. [leaves again]

It's a nasty, filthy habit.

Ditka

Hey, you can count me in!

Really?

Ditka

Let's bring your old man down!
[they shake hands]

Look who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...

Mark Avery

Sammy Sosa?

Ditka

C'mon.

No, no. Football. Coached the 1986-

Ditka

'85.

Right, '85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!

Mark

Do you know Sammy Sosa?

Ditka

Hey, zip it, kid! I'm a coach that knows about winning! I'm gonna push you guys, like you've never been pushed before! Some of you are gonna wish I was dead!

It's true. I know it's a weird thought but it's true.

Ditka

I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones!

Delicious!

Ditka

This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...

Don't get emotional...

Ditka

When it's over...

When it's over...

Ditka

You guys are gonna be champions!

Champions!

Ditka

Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

On three, 'let's have fun'

One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!

Ditka

"Let's have fun"? What's that?

I just made it up.

So When I took over for coach Benson...

I hear he's a woman now! [the audience laughs]

Buck

Oooh.

Actually uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned. [the audience laughs again]

I don't know why that's funny.

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I didn't plan on speaking tonight. Actually I was hoping my assistant coach would be here..[checks his watch as the crowd starts to murmur. Looks up and sees Ditka has arrived] Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce Mike Ditka! [the crowd cheers wildly as Ditka takes the stage]

Ditka

Thanks, Paul! Thanks, everybody! Great to be here, Paul's got the Tigers on the move!

Buck

You live long enough you see everything! Iron Mike on an aluminum field, coaching the Tigers.

Ditka

I couldn't really hear ya, my Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.

Ann Hogan

Hi, Coach Ditka? Hi. Um, our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and I was just wondering if you could, uh..?

Ditka

Yeah, sure, be glad to. How do you spell it?

Ann

Byong Sun. B-Y-...

Ditka

I think I got it. [hands back the paper]

Ann Hogan

Oh, okay. Thank you. [she and Donna walk away]

Ditka

Bye-bye.

Yeah, they're great.

Ditka

Just a wonderful couple.

Donna Jones

Bing Bong?

Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam, and I'm brand new to coffee. So I don't want too much. I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffeinated version? Or is that too weird a thing?

Half-Caf...

Right, Half-Caf.

A Half-Caf! [to Sam] We're gonna have a Half-Caf.

Sam

We're gonna have a Half-Caf.

Yay.

Half-Caf.
Phil Thanks. [takes a sip, it's way too hot and drops the coffee] Yowww! Mother of Pearl! That is hot!

You shoulda waited for the jacket.

I'm sorry, I got too eager.

Another Half-Caf.

Another Half-Caf.

Ditka

Umberto!

Umberto

Hey, coach! Don't you worry I got your bratwurst all ready! [showing him the wrapped bratwurst] Huh?

Ditka

Beautiful, grazie. Are your nephews working today?

Umberto

Uh, si, in the back.

Ditka

Go back there, take a look at these guys.

Ditka

These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?

Excuse me, mister, your two nephews, would they be interested in playing soccer?

Umberto

Massimo e Gian Piero? No, they not play soccer. They come here to apprentice me. They have too much to learn. English, meat, too much.

So, they don't play soccer at all?

Uncle, why do they want? ("Zio, ma che vuoi?")

Umberto

They want you to play soccer. ("Eh, giocare a calcio.")

Really! Let us play! ("Davvero! Facci giocare!")

Umberto

Don't look like that to me, please!

Uncle please! Uncle Umberto! ("Per favore, Zio! Zio Umberto!")

Umberto

No, be quiet. ("No, state zitti")

They play with American kids, they pick up English. A lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports; Sammy Sosa, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, uh.. Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello, Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.

Ditka

Let the kids have some fun, huh?

Umberto

Okay! Okay!

Great!

Umberto

But remember; meat first, then soccer!

Ditka

I told ya, every great thing in life starts with a Brat.

Tigers! Huddle up.

Ditka

Come on, get in here.

I know we're on a five-game losing streak but I've got good news. Umberto!

We've got two new players joining the team. Guys; Gian Piero and Massimo. Now these boys are from Italy so they don't speak English that well. We're all gonna help them learn. They're apprentice butchers.

Mark Avery

Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

Ditka

Shut up.

Umberto

I come back and pick-up 5:00. [making the two boys recite before leaving] Buon divertimento. Prima la carne.

Prima la carne.

What?

Umberto

Meat first!

Meat first! Yes, we love meat!

Umberto

Bye! ("Ciao!")

Bye, uncle! ("Ciao, Zio")

Got you a gift. Soccer Dan instructional DVD. We're gonna keep learning as we go. This is where we're really gonna hone our skills. This will take us to the next level. Study it. Watch it. I only watched it for 5 minutes, I already learned this, it's called "Up and Over". [he shows them this new kick] You can learn things like, maybe back over here! Fakes left, fakes right, he shoots! [nearly wrecking the fireplace]

Barbara Weston

What is going on in there? [Phil hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Guys, I said no playing soccer in the house.

You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston

Who did that?

He did.

HE DID!

What? Nut'uh!

Kill Phil! [the kids start attacking Phil]

Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

In due time, Connor, in due time. However, I want all of you to know, if the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision that we will eat Byong Sun.

Alright, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look delicious, you have to admit, right, if we had to eat someone?

Mike Ditka

Hey, Phil, I-I-I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.

You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juice boxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juice box.

Mike Ditka

YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?

I'm talkin' to the juice box guy.

Mike Ditka

You're crazy!

I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.

Mike Ditka

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL?!

No, you go to Hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juice box?!

Mike Ditka

I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka

No, I'm not! You're like your old man!

I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!

Mike Ditka

If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!

I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!

Mike Ditka

I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye! [walks back to the parking lot]

I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to Juice Box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves! [The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off]