You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, OK? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juicebox.
Mike Ditka YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?
I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy.
Mike Ditka You're crazy!
I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.
Mike Ditka WELL, YOU GO TO HELL!
No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka I'M NO JUICEBOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!
Mike Ditka No, I'm not!
Mike Ditka No, I'm not!
Mike Ditka No, I'm not! You're like your old man!
Mike Ditka If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!
Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
[kid starts attacking him] Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!
[someone pulls kid off]
That's like the little jackal from hell!
Buck Weston: We've got balls!
But mostly balls!
Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]
[shout] Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.
Ann Hogan: You ease up on him.
Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.
Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car kids! don't look back! Run!
Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.
Beantown Employee: My name is Andy!
Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.
Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?
[indicating Phil's smaller sedan] Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
Referee: Where do I know you from?
Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!
Referee: No, that ain't it.
Phil Weston: That's definitely it!
Referee: I'll figure it out.
Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.
[pause] Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?
Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Oh, I see.
[pause] Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.
[realizing they are lesbians] Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston: No, they're different.
Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.
[she walks off with Donna] Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.
Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun: No sir.
Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.
[Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my hands strong
[waving hands, gesturing] Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
[quick cut to Ditka's house] Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
[lights a cigar] Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil] Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!
Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'
Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: C'mon!
Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...
Mike Ditka: '85.
Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!
Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
I know, let's all bay at the moon.
You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
N Neighbor
Shut up out there!
[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]
You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
She didn't die! She divorced you!
Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?
The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.
[throws down his clipboard and walks off] The Tigers: [parent picks it up] Can I have this?
Phil Weston: Sure.
The Tigers: Alllllright!
Mike Ditka [to the Tigers team]
This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Mike Ditka When it's over...
[echoing him]
When it's over...
Mike Ditka You guys are gonna be champions!
Mike Ditka Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
On three, 'let's have fun'
[all chant]
One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
Mike Ditka [to Phil, mocking]
'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?
Oh, this oughtta be good. If we live long enough, we'll see Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers.
Mike Ditka I couldn't really hear ya, Weston. My Superbowl ring was making too much noise.
[crowd hisses] Phil Weston: [after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball] C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!
Phil Weston: [crying to Ditka] I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!
Buck Weston: [to Phil] Be warned, muchacho! You're in the show, now!
Barbara Weston: [trying to comfort an anguished Phil] Phil, I love you...
Phil Weston: [crying] What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?
Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?
Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-Caff...
Beantown Customers: Right, Half-Caff.
Phil Weston: A Half-Caff!
[to Sam] Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-Caff.
Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-Caff.
Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay.
Beantown Employees: Half-Caff.
Phil Weston: Thanks.
[takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee] Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!
Beantown Employees: [to Phil] We are pissed now that You shoulda waited for the jacket.
Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...
Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-Caff!
Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-Caff!
[to Barbara]
My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game. He's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. In fact, I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
Mike Ditka [cuts Phil and Mike Ditka meeting inside Ditka's house]
So Paul, what's on your mind?
Ditka You mean it's not Paul?
Ditka What's the difference? Come on, spit it out. [lights a cigar]
Ditka Hold this. [gives cigar to Phil]
Ditka Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Ditka [takes back the cigar]
I'll get rid of it, honey.
[Mrs. Ditka leaves]
Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.
Ditka [in disbelief]
Soccer?
Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.
Ditka [chuckling]
Your assistant coach? You really don't know who I am, do you?
You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--
Ditka Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?
D Diana
Mike, I smell smoke!
Ditka Nobody's smoking!
Ditka For Pete's sake! [to Phil] So, like, it's me and you against your old man?
I mean there are other teams--
D Diana
[Diana runs back to the room and sees Mike holding a cigar]
Got ya!
Ditka [to Phil, pointing the cigar at him]
No smoking means no smoking!
D Diana
Okay, come on, Phil!
Ditka I'll throw this out the window, honey.
I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.
D Diana
You should be. [leaves again]
It's a nasty, filthy habit.
Ditka [to Phil]
Hey, you can count me in!
Ditka Let's bring your old man down!
[they shake hands]
[at practice the next day]
Look who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Ditka C'mon.
No, no. Football. Coached the 1986-
Ditka [correcting him]
'85.
Right, '85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Ditka Hey, zip it, kid! I'm a coach that knows about winning! I'm gonna push you guys, like you've never been pushed before! Some of you are gonna wish I was dead!
It's true. I know it's a weird thought but it's true.
Ditka I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones!
Ditka This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Ditka When it's over...
[echoing him]
When it's over...
Ditka You guys are gonna be champions!
Ditka Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
On three, 'let's have fun'
[all chant]
One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
Ditka [to Phil, mocking]
"Let's have fun"? What's that?
[on stage addressing the crowd of parents at the league banquet]
So When I took over for coach Benson...
C Clark
[interrupting]
I hear he's a woman now! [the audience laughs]
Actually uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned. [the audience laughs again]
I don't know why that's funny.
[The audience applauds]
Yeah, I gotta be honest, I didn't plan on speaking tonight. Actually I was hoping my assistant coach would be here..[checks his watch as the crowd starts to murmur. Looks up and sees Ditka has arrived] Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce Mike Ditka! [the crowd cheers wildly as Ditka takes the stage]
Ditka Thanks, Paul! Thanks, everybody! Great to be here, Paul's got the Tigers on the move!
You live long enough you see everything! Iron Mike on an aluminum field, coaching the Tigers.
Ditka I couldn't really hear ya, my Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.
[asking Ditka for an autograph]
Hi, Coach Ditka? Hi. Um, our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and I was just wondering if you could, uh..?
Ditka Yeah, sure, be glad to. How do you spell it?
Ditka I think I got it. [hands back the paper]
Oh, okay. Thank you. [she and Donna walk away]
Ditka Bye-bye.
Ditka Just a wonderful couple.
[walking away looking at autograph]
Bing Bong?
Ditka [Phil and Ditka enter an Italian deli]
Umberto!
Hey, coach! Don't you worry I got your bratwurst all ready! [showing him the wrapped bratwurst] Huh?
Ditka Beautiful, grazie. Are your nephews working today?
Ditka [to Phil]
Go back there, take a look at these guys.
Ditka [Phil walks over to two windowed swing-doors. He peers through one window and sees two young boys kicking a ball of plastic wrap like a soccer ball] [To Phil]
These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?
[Phil and Ditka walk back over to the front counter] [to Umberto]
Excuse me, mister, your two nephews, would they be interested in playing soccer?
Massimo e Gian Piero? No, they not play soccer. They come here to apprentice me. They have too much to learn. English, meat, too much.
So, they don't play soccer at all?
M Massimo
[In Italian]
Uncle, why do they want? ("Zio, ma che vuoi?")
[In Italian]
They want you to play soccer. ("Eh, giocare a calcio.")
[In Italian]
Really! Let us play! ("Davvero! Facci giocare!")
Don't look like that to me, please!
[Begging] [In Italian]
Uncle please! Uncle Umberto! ("Per favore, Zio! Zio Umberto!")
[In Italian]
No, be quiet. ("No, state zitti")
They play with American kids, they pick up English. A lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports; Sammy Sosa, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, uh.. Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello, Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.
Ditka Let the kids have some fun, huh?
[Massimo and Gian Piero cheer]
Great!
But remember; meat first, then soccer!
Ditka [to Phil]
I told ya, every great thing in life starts with a Brat.
[Cut to game day the next day]
Tigers! Huddle up.
Ditka Come on, get in here.
I know we're on a five-game losing streak but I've got good news. Umberto!
[Umberto arrives with Massimo and Gian Piero]
We've got two new players joining the team. Guys; Gian Piero and Massimo. Now these boys are from Italy so they don't speak English that well. We're all gonna help them learn. They're apprentice butchers.
Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?
Ditka Shut up.
I come back and pick-up 5:00. [making the two boys recite before leaving] Buon divertimento. Prima la carne.
Meat first! Yes, we love meat!
[In Italian]
Bye! ("Ciao!")
[In Italian]
Bye, uncle! ("Ciao, Zio")
Mike Ditka Hey, Phil, I-I-I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.
You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juice boxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juice box.
Mike Ditka YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?
I'm talkin' to the juice box guy.
Mike Ditka You're crazy!
I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.
Mike Ditka WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL?!
No, you go to Hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juice box?!
Mike Ditka I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!
Mike Ditka No, I'm not!
Mike Ditka No, I'm not!
Mike Ditka No, I'm not! You're like your old man!
Mike Ditka If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!
Mike Ditka I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye! [walks back to the parking lot]
I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to Juice Box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves! [The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off]
