Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
[kid starts attacking him] Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!
That's like the little jackal from hell!
Buck Weston: We've got balls!
And vitamins!
But mostly balls!
Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]
[shout] Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.
Ann Hogan: You ease up on him.
Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.
Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car kids! don't look back! Run!
Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.
Beantown Employee: My name is Andy!
Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.
Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?
[indicating Phil's smaller sedan] Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
Referee: Where do I know you from?
Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!
Referee: No, that ain't it.
Phil Weston: That's definitely it!
Referee: I'll figure it out.
Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.
[pause] Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?
Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Oh, I see.
[pause] Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.
[realizing they are lesbians] Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston: No, they're different.
Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.
[she walks off with Donna] Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.
Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun: No sir.
Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.
[Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my hands strong
[waving hands, gesturing] Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
[quick cut to Ditka's house] Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
[lights a cigar] Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil] Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!
Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'
Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: C'mon!
Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...
Mike Ditka: '85.
Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!
Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
I know, let's all bay at the moon.
What?
You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Shut up out there!
You shut up in THERE!
You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
She didn't die! She divorced you!
Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?
The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.
[throws down his clipboard and walks off] The Tigers: [parent picks it up] Can I have this?
Phil Weston: Sure.
The Tigers: Alllllright!
This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Don't get emotional...
When it's over...
You guys are gonna be champions!
Champions!
Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
On three, 'let's have fun'
One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
