Most scenes together: Phil Weston & Mike Ditka (12), Phil Weston & Barbara Weston (5), Phil Weston & Buck Weston (4)
Hi, Coach Ditka? Hi. Um, our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and I was just wondering if you could, uh..?
Yeah, sure, be glad to. How do you spell it?
Byong Sun. B-Y-...
I think I got it. [hands back the paper]
Oh, okay. Thank you. [she and Donna walk away]
Bye-bye.
Yeah, they're great.
Just a wonderful couple.
Connor Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
In due time, Connor, in due time. However, I want all of you to know, if the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision that we will eat Byong Sun.
Alright, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look delicious, you have to admit, right, if we had to eat someone?
On the ground, c'mon, give me some push-ups! If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you each 10 grand apiece. This calls for drastic measures! We're gonna make some changes around here!
Hey, Phil, I-I-I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.
You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, okay? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juice boxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juice box.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?
I'm talkin' to the juice box guy.
You're crazy!
I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL?!
No, you go to Hell! And while you're there, why don't you grab me a juice box?!
I'M NO JUICE BOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not! You're like your old man!
I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!
If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!
I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!
I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye! [walks back to the parking lot]
I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to Juice Box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves! [The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off]
New game plan - get the ball to the I-talians!
What is wrong with you, Derek? I thought we were friends!
My name is Andy!
Your name is liar because you're telling lies! You know what the odds are I'll never come back here again? There's a good chance at that!
That's a chance we'll have to take.
Okay, if that's how you wanna play it.
Okay.
I am disappointed! [leaves]
Good!
Got you a gift. Soccer Dan instructional DVD. We're gonna keep learning as we go. This is where we're really gonna hone our skills. This will take us to the next level. Study it. Watch it. I only watched it for 5 minutes, I already learned this, it's called "Up and Over". [he shows them this new kick] You can learn things like, maybe back over here! Fakes left, fakes right, he shoots! [nearly wrecking the fireplace]
What is going on in there? [Phil hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Guys, I said no playing soccer in the house.
You did, you said it a lot.
Who did that?
HE DID!
What? Nut'uh!
Kill Phil! [the kids start attacking Phil]
My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game. He's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. In fact, I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
Actually, it's Phil.
You mean it's not Paul?
No.
What's the difference? Come on, spit it out. [lights a cigar]
Uh, here it is--
Diana Ditka Mike?
Hold this. [gives cigar to Phil]
Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.
Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.
You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--
Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?
Well, yeah.
Diana Mike, I smell smoke!
Nobody's smoking!
Diana Mike!
For Pete's sake! [to Phil] So, like, it's me and you against your old man?
I mean there are other teams--
Diana Got ya!
Diana Okay, come on, Phil!
I'll throw this out the window, honey.
I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.
Diana You should be. [leaves again]
It's a nasty, filthy habit.
Really?
Let's bring your old man down!
[they shake hands]
I was born a baby, a blank slate, thinking I was in control of my own destiny. And then I met my father.
Look who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Sammy Sosa?
C'mon.
No, no. Football. Coached the 1986-
Right, '85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Hey, zip it, kid! I'm a coach that knows about winning! I'm gonna push you guys, like you've never been pushed before! Some of you are gonna wish I was dead!
It's true. I know it's a weird thought but it's true.
I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones!
Delicious!
This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Don't get emotional...
When it's over...
You guys are gonna be champions!
Champions!
Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
On three, 'let's have fun'
I just made it up.
So When I took over for coach Benson...
Clark I hear he's a woman now! [the audience laughs]
Oooh.
Actually uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned. [the audience laughs again]
I don't know why that's funny.
Yeah, I gotta be honest, I didn't plan on speaking tonight. Actually I was hoping my assistant coach would be here..[checks his watch as the crowd starts to murmur. Looks up and sees Ditka has arrived] Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce Mike Ditka! [the crowd cheers wildly as Ditka takes the stage]
Thanks, Paul! Thanks, everybody! Great to be here, Paul's got the Tigers on the move!
You live long enough you see everything! Iron Mike on an aluminum field, coaching the Tigers.
I couldn't really hear ya, my Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.
Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam, and I'm brand new to coffee. So I don't want too much. I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffeinated version? Or is that too weird a thing?
Half-Caf...
Right, Half-Caf.
A Half-Caf! [to Sam] We're gonna have a Half-Caf.
Yay.
Half-Caf.
Phil Thanks. [takes a sip, it's way too hot and drops the coffee] Yowww! Mother of Pearl! That is hot!
You shoulda waited for the jacket.
I'm sorry, I got too eager.
Another Half-Caf.
Another Half-Caf.
Come on, get in here.
I know we're on a five-game losing streak but I've got good news. Umberto!
We've got two new players joining the team. Guys; Gian Piero and Massimo. Now these boys are from Italy so they don't speak English that well. We're all gonna help them learn. They're apprentice butchers.
Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?
Shut up.
I come back and pick-up 5:00. [making the two boys recite before leaving] Buon divertimento. Prima la carne.
Prima la carne.
What?
Meat first!
Meat first! Yes, we love meat!
Bye, uncle! ("Ciao, Zio")
Hey, coach! Don't you worry I got your bratwurst all ready! [showing him the wrapped bratwurst] Huh?
Beautiful, grazie. Are your nephews working today?
Uh, si, in the back.
These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?
Excuse me, mister, your two nephews, would they be interested in playing soccer?
Massimo e Gian Piero? No, they not play soccer. They come here to apprentice me. They have too much to learn. English, meat, too much.
So, they don't play soccer at all?
Uncle, why do they want? ("Zio, ma che vuoi?")
Don't look like that to me, please!
Uncle please! Uncle Umberto! ("Per favore, Zio! Zio Umberto!")
They play with American kids, they pick up English. A lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports; Sammy Sosa, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, uh.. Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello, Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.
Let the kids have some fun, huh?
Okay! Okay!
But remember; meat first, then soccer!
Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering
Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun
"Bing Bong"?
