Chazz Michael Michaels "This is my brother!! And this is my brother's new girlfriend. And she is NOT a whore!!"
Most-quoted character in Blades of Glory (2007): in 51 of its 70 quotes
Most scenes with: Jimmy MacElroy (11), Coach (5)
"We love you, Denver!! City by the bay.... John Denver!!"
More lines from Chazz Michael Michaels
38 quotes Chazz Michael Michaels Chazz Michael Michaels "Think of it as a boob handshake.... between me and your lady's boo -- look, that's not coming out right, just call me back so I can explain, okay?? It's me, Chazz."
Chazz Michael Michaels Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck!
Chazz Michael Michaels "I'll get inside your face."
Chazz Michael Michaels [The title of a book of poetry he published]
"Let Me Put My Poems In You."
Chazz Michael Michaels "We didn't even get to second base.... well, maybe I did...."
Chazz Michael Michaels "Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating... BOOM!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels "They carve it out of illegal whale bone."
Chazz Michael Michaels "I see you still look like a 15 year old girl, but not hot!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels "If we went to a Halloween party as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me."
Chazz Michael Michaels "I swear to god, if you cut my head off...."
Chazz Michael Michaels "That, young man, is how babies are made!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels "Can one of y'all pass me a biscuit??" [While running on a treadmill]
Chazz Michael Michaels "Throw me some chicken!!" [While running on a treadmill eating a biscuit]
Chazz Michael Michaels "No exaggeration, I couldn't love a human baby as much as I love this brush."
Chazz Michael Michaels "For about a month, my urine smelled like marshmallows."
Chazz Michael Michaels "Okay, but start up there at the crotch.... that's a better access point."
Chazz Michael Michaels "Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole."
Chazz Michael Michaels "Hey, Nancy Kerrigan?? You an official here?? Because you have officially given me a boner. I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear."
Chazz Michael Michaels "It's not gonna matter cuz' you're flat in front like Ken!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels "How'd it go with your lady?? Carve up any ice.... with your wiener??"
Chazz Michael Michaels "Personal philosophy -- clothing optional."
Chazz Michael Michaels "It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out there on the ice."
Chazz Michael Michaels "Hey, I was on Quaaludes, I don't even remember Oslo. But I remember Boston.... and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named."
Chazz Michael Michaels "They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was going to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them."
Chazz Michael Michaels "I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson, and Gary said, 'Hey, I've got a third ball.'" [vomits]
Chazz Michael Michaels "Damn it. I just threw up in here people. That's the reality. Another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion!! In fact we all are -- oh, encore -- " [vomits]
Chazz Michael Michaels "Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!" [vomits]
Chazz Michael Michaels "Don't make me kill her!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels "...I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women..."
Chazz Michael Michaels "I am never satisfied. It's a curse."
Chazz Michael Michaels "SNOWFLAKE!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels "Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from Hell, okay?? We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott."
Chazz Michael Michaels "Troubled childhood?? If you call being a nine year old kid with a thirty-five year old girlfriend troubled."
Chazz Michael Michaels [Leaving a message on Jimmy's answerphone]
"Hey, turdface. I've just taken every single one of your teddy bears and I've stuffed them down my pants!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels "Was it good for you, Stockholm?? 'cause it was good for me, let's have a smoke!!"
Chazz Michael Michaels " These guys put the bone in Zamboni"
Chazz Michael Michaels "Hi!.......YIKES.........sorry......."
Scenes with Chazz Michael Michaels
12 scenes
So, Coach. I was thinking about the music for our routine.
Really?
Chazz We're gonna skate to one song, and one song only: "Lady Hump" by the Black Eyed Peas. What you gonna do with all that junk? / All that junk inside your trunk? / I'm gonna get you, get you drunk / Get you drunk off my lady humps / My humps, my humps / My lovely lady humps.
Chazz No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
No, it's not. It's gross.
Chazz It gets the people going.
Chazz Bunk beds?
I don't share rooms.
Chazz I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me.
It's dark for everyone, moron.
Chazz Not for Alaskans or dudes wearing night-vision goggles.
All right, this has got to stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team. You understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together. You are going to pee together. You're going to file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now. End of discussion.
Chazz Mind-bottling, isn't it?
Did you just say "mind-bottling"?
Chazz Yeah. You know when things are so crazy, you get your thoughts trapped, like in a bottle.
Chazz Why would we step in baby food?
He's talking about the carpet. Berber?
Chazz What are you? The rug doctor?
Maybe I am.
Chazz I'm the rug master.
What does that even mean?
Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
Ugh, I'm getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat.
Chazz Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
I call top!
Chazz No, I already called it in my head.
What?! No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.
Chazz Yes it does. Get used to it, Jimmy; you're in Chazz's world now.
Chazz [Chazz shows Jimmy the tattoo of him he got on his arm.]
That's you. The wolf, that runs with the lone wolf. So the lone wolf never has to be alone again.
You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?
Chazz Yes, absolutely hammered. Welcome to the pack.
Grublets on Ice Manager
Hey, Michaels, let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed. Second show's almost three-quarters full. you drunk?
Chazz No. [Breaks the top off of the bottle of liquor he's holding] But this oughta do it.
Grublets on Ice Manager
I would fire you if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there. You smell like urine.
Chazz A lot?
Grublets on Ice Manager
Get your head on.
Chazz This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
I could hold it all day long. Try me!
Chazz Maybe I will.
Maybe you should.
Chazz You challenging me, princess?
I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party!
Chazz Then bring it on!
It is on!
Good. We're in an agreement, then.
Chazz You know what, dude. Your hand has to be on top.
No way. The girl's goes on top.
Chazz Yeah, ergo. Chick.
I'm not the girl, I'm stronger.
Chazz No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina.
You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.
Chazz Fat ass?
Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!
Chazz This isn't what it looks like.
Impure! Impure!
Katie Van Waldenberg Jimmy, wait!
Chazz Brother man!
Jimmy, you put your clothes on! Jimmy! Damn it!
Watch my icy, hot superslide.
Chazz Do it.
I will.
Chazz It's not going to matter because you're flat in front like Ken!
Other characters in Blades of Glory
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