Jesse Eisenberg movie quotes

View Quote See, what we call God depends upon our tribe, Clark Joe, 'cause God is tribal; God takes sides! No man in the sky intervened when I was a boy to deliver me from daddy's fist and abominations. I figured out way back if God is all-powerful, He cannot be all-good. And if He is all-good, then He cannot be all-powerful. And neither can you be.

View Quote If man won't kill God, the Devil will do it!

View Quote The bell has rung. It cannot be unrung.

View Quote Jewel: Is there anything else I need to know?
Blu: Yes. I can't fly, I pick my beak, and once in a while I pee in the birdbath! Happy?
Linda: You're right. It's not my fault. [She puts on her glasses and lashes out at Tulio] It's your fault...
Tulio: What?
Linda: ...with your little bird talk and that whole "saves the species". Well you know what? SQUAWK, SQUAWKETY, SQUAWK, SQUAWK!!! [realizes what she said; gasps; covers her mouth] I'm sorry, I didn't mean to curse.
Jewel: [she and Blu are running away from Nigel] Aw, this is great. I'm chained to the only bird in the world who can't fly!
Blu: Actually, there are 40 species of flightless birds.
Jewel: [notices a crate] Duck!
Blu: No, ducks can fly.
Jewel: No, duck! [Blu notices a crate]
Blu: You see, who needs flying?
Jewel: Birds! Birds need flying. Flying is... is freedom, and... and not having to rely on anyone. Don't you want that?
Blu: Hmm, I don't know. Sounds a little lonely.
Blu: Yeah, sounds great. It's not like we're just throwing ourselves off of a mountain… right?
Rafael: Actually, that was pretty much my entire plan.
Blu: What?!
Rafael: Don't worry, Blu. It's in your DNA, and if our featherless friends can do it, how hard can it be?
Man on glider: No, no, wait, wait! [screams] Mommy!
Rafael: Fun, right?
Blu: Yeah… fun…
Mauro: You 2 are coming with me.
Jewel: In your little monkey dreams. [spits on the ground]
Blu: Yeah! [tries to spit too, but it sticks to his beak; wipes it off] That was meant for you.
Rafael: Come on, can't we all just get along?
Mauro: This isn't your fight, Big Nose!
[The marmosets laugh, until one bird grabs Mauro's arm and glares at him.]
Spoonbill: You mess with my friends, you mess with me.
Other Birds: AND US!
Pedro: Yeah, little King Kong! [The marmosets and birds have an intense stare-off]
Little Green Bird: [panicky] I don't know what's going on here! [flies off]
Pedro: [battle cry] Birds versus monkeys! [The birds charge in.]
Linda: How do you know?
Fernando: Because I'm... I'm the one who took them.
Linda: You?!
Fernando: I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I needed the money.
Linda: But, Fernando, I trusted you!
Fernando: I know, but– [Before he can finish, Tipa and Armando enter]
Rafael: [flying alongside the trolley, whispering to Blu] Down here! Just tell her, "You have beautiful eyes."
Blu: That's good, great idea! [to Jewel; confidently] I have beautiful eyes.
Jewel: Okay...
Jewel: Whoa, whoa, wait. Luiz... is a bulldog?
Luiz: You got something against dogs?
Jewel: I do when they're drooling on me.
Luiz: It's a medical condition.
[As she is happily flying, Jewel notices Blu walking away sadly]
Jewel: Hey, where you going? [Blu ignores her and keeps on walking] Blu? [Blu stops walking] Blu, what's wrong?
Blu: Nothing. Everything's perfect. You'll be off to the rain forest, I'll be back with Linda. Just like we planned.
Jewel: I...
Nico: [he and Pedro fly down towards them] Hey, birds! Stop yapping and start flapping! Let's go!
Jewel: I... I... I guess I thought maybe...
Blu: What, that you... you'd come to Minnesota? [Jewel just looks at him] Great, I guess I... I'll knit you a scarf.
Jewel: No, that's not what I meant.
Blu: Look, Jewel, I can't spend my life walking around following you wherever you're going.
Jewel: Hey, it's not my fault you can't fly.
Pedro: [to Nico as they watch Blu and Jewel] Awkward…
Rafael: [to Blu and Jewel] Okay, okay. You know what? It's just good. Just clear the air, just be completely honest with each other.
Blu: You want honesty? [to Rafael and Jewel] Fine, fine, I can be honest. I don't belong here. In fact, I never wanted to even come here in the first place. [stammers] And... and... and you know what? I hate samba! [Jewel and Rafael gasps, and Nico starts crying into Pedro's wing]
Pedro: Hey! That's a little too far.
Nico: Make the mean bird take it back!
Blu: Yeah, I said it. Every song sounds exactly the same! [sings] "Tico, taco ya-ya-ya. Tico, taco ya-ya-ya!" [groans] I'm "tico-taco" out of here.
Jewel: [angrily] Fine! See you around, pet! [starts flying away from Blu]
Rafael: No, no! Wait, wait, wait! Come back! You belong together. You are Juliet to his Romeo! Sure, they both die at the end, but you get my point! Oh, young love. Always so melodramatic. [to Nico and Pedro] All right, boys. Go after her. [starts flying to Blu] Blu, come back here, come on!
Nigel: [catches Jewel as she is flying] Going somewhere, pretty bird?
Jewel: Oh, yeah! I was just on my way to claw your eyes out! [punches Nigel in the face; Nico and Pedro see Nigel get a hold of Jewel]
Nigel: Temper, temper. Now come along, my dear. We're going to a parade, and everybody loves a parade! [flies away with Jewel]
Jewel: Let go of me!
Pedro: [as he, along with Nico, watch Nigel take Jewel by force] Hey, get back here! Ain't nobody mess with a friend of Pedro. I ain't havin' it! It's on! [starts punching the air]
Nico: What are you... on?! Did you see the talons on that guy?!
Pedro: "Talons"? Maybe, it's on... next time. [he and Nico turn and fly away] RALFIEEEE!
Nico: Blu, help!
Pedro: Help! [cut on Blu walking to Linda, while Rafael starts following him]
Blu: Rafael, quit following me. You're going in the wrong direction. Isn't Carnaval that way?
Rafael: I'm not going to Carnaval. No, I'm going home.
Blu: But I thought you loved Carnaval.
Rafael: I do, but I love my family much more, and that's a choice I made with this. [points to Blu's heart] Not with this. [points to Blu's head (or brain)]
Rafael: [Blu and Linda have just noticed each other at the carnival] Blu! Blu! We found her!
Pedro: She's on some, like, weird chicken float.
Rafael: Come on!
Blu: Let's go get Jewel.

View Quote [At Present Day]
Linda: [groaning] Stupid clock. [grunting] Huh? [chuckles] Good morning, Blu.
Blu: [water swishing] [gargling]
Linda: [spits]
Blu: [belches]
Linda: Ew! Ooh! Come here. Tyler Blu Gunderson! You know these vitamins are good for you. [gasps] Ooh. What's this?
Blu: [squwaks]
Linda: Gotcha. Whoo!
Blu and Linda: [imitate booming explosion]

View Quote Linda: Enjoy the new book.
Bookstore Customer: Thanks, Linda.
Linda: Bye, now. Yes, Mom, I'd to visit. But who would take care of Blu? Mom, they don't have kennel's for parrots. Here's your hot chocolate, Blu.
Blu: [quawks]
Linda: Just how you like it. Plus, I don't trust leaving Blu with just anyone. No, I don't have a bird-sitter...
Blu: [Linda places his hot chocolate in front of him] Ah. This is the life. [sniffs] The perfect marshmallow-to-cocoa ratio. [counting the marshmallows] One, two, three, four, five... [another marshmallow floats to the surface] six. Mmm. [takes a sip of his cocoa]
Alice: [laughter]
Chloe: Well, well, if it isn't my favorite nerd bird.
Blu: Very... very funny. Real mature.
Alice: Hey, pet! Where you migrating to this year, huh? The breakfast nook?
Alice and Chloe: [laughing]
[Chloe and Alice laugh and throw another snowball at the window]
Blu: Throw all the snowballs you want. I'm protected by this magical force field called glass. It's what keeps us so toasty and warm in here while you guys are out there freezing your...
Alice: [singsongy] La, la, la, la, la! [laughing]
[looks up and sees Chloe and Alice showing their behinds to him, making fun]
Blu: Classy.
Tulio: [gasping] Arara! Arara! Arara! Ara... [yelling] [groaning]
Linda: Are you all right?
Tulio: [groans] [shivering] I'm not really built for this weather.
Linda: Oh. Are you looking for some books?
Tulio: Books? No. [chuckling] No. I have come 6,000 miles looking for him.
Blu: [confused grunt]
Linda: Doctor of ornithology?
Tulio: Ooh. He's magnificent. [imitates birdcalls]
Blu: Linda, little help here. Linda?
Tulio and Blu: [squawking]
Linda: Wow. You're actually communicating.
Tulio: Yes. Yes. I introduced myself and shook my tail feathers counter-clockwise, thus deffering to his dominance.
Blu: I did not get that at all.
Linda: So, Dr. Monteiro, you...
Tulio: [chuckling] Oh, no "Doctor," please. Just call me Tulio. You know, your macaw is a very special bird. In fact, as far as we know, Blu is the last male of his kind.
Linda: Really?
Tulio: Yes. And recently, we found a female, and our hope is to bring the two of them together to save their species.
Blu: [gulps]
Linda: Oh. Well, yeah, sure. When can she come over?
Tulio: Oh, no, no, no. She is in Brazil. Blu must come to Rio de Janeiro.
Linda: [laughs] Rio? Brazil?
Blu: [squawks]
Linda: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I never let Blu out of my sight. He needs me.
Tulio: Oh, no. You... you misunderstood. It's all arranged. You will be with him every stop of the way. And I will be with you.
Linda: Um, look, I know you're doing your job, but I can't... Well, Blu is very particular, and we have our little routine here, and we're not big on travel. Heck, he doesn't fly.
Tulio: But, of course he can fly. [takes Blu and inspects him] He's a perfect specimen.
Blu: [squawking]
Linda: Uh, what are you doing?
Tulio: Don't worry. Their natural instincts always take over.
[He lets Blu go so that he will fly, but falls due to not having enough endurance]
Linda: Wait! Wait, wait! No! No!
Blu: [squawking]
Tulio: Well, almost always.
Linda: Blu!
Blu: [grunts] What kind of doctor are you?
Linda: Are you okay?
Tulio: Perhaps he's too domesticated.
Linda: It was very nice of you to stop in and squawk around and throw my bird, but now it's time for you to go.
Tulio: Well, I... I'm very sorry. I... I'm very sorry, but... wait, wait. Linda. Linda. [Linda walks him out of the shop] This could be our last chance.
Linda: Have a safe flight. [sighs]
[she shuts her shop door in his face and walks away]
Tulio: Linda, please, listen to me. If we don't do this, his whole species will be gone. [He throws his business card through the door post flap] Just think about it.

View Quote Aah!

View Quote Boo

View Quote You know the best thing about being a fairy? You get to fly.

View Quote [voiceover] Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm.

View Quote In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda…coulda…shoulda.

View Quote [to Tallahassee] You are like a giant **** blocking robot, like developed in a secret **** government lab!

View Quote If I die, I'm going to do it stoned and smiling in my bed.

View Quote Hey Phoebe! Phoebe? [[over intercom] Hey Phoebe. I just wanted to say that I love you and that everything is going to be okay. I mean, not perfect, obviously, but better. Like, we'll probably have to get a new house. And also cars. But I'm coming to get you and this will all be over. Soon-ish.

View Quote Mike: I just killed two people!
Phoebe: That's awesome.
Mike: They had guns and knives and they were being total dicks!

View Quote A guy who makes a nice chair doesn't owe money to everyone who has ever built a chair.

View Quote You know, you really don't need a forensics team to get to the bottom of this. If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you'd have invented Facebook.

View Quote Erica Albright's a bitch. Do you think that's because her family changed their name from Albrecht, or do you think that's because all BU girls are bitches? For the record, she may look like a 34C, but she's getting all kinds of help from our friends at Victoria's Secret. She's a 34B as in barely anything there. False Advertising.

View Quote Jewel: Daddy…
Blu: "Daddy"?

View Quote Blu: Remember– Birds of blue feathers–
Carla, Tiago and Bia: [reluctantly all together] –Have to stick together!

View Quote [after Nigel, Gabi and Charlie retreated off the boat]
Tiago: Ahhhhhh!
Jewel: Tiago, stop fooling around!
Tiago: I didn't do anything!
Blu: Tiago Gunderson. Listen to your mother.
Tiago: Oh, man. [sits down and sulks]

View Quote Benji: You are, like, an awesome guy stuck inside the body of somebody who's always running late. And I gotta, like, fish that ****in' guy outta ya every time I see ya.
David: Thank you, I think.

View Quote [Benji is explaining to David how they can get through their train trip without paying]
Benji: We stay moving, we stay light, we stay agile.
David: Yeah.
Benji: The conductor's gonna come through taking tickets. We tell him we're going to the bathroom.
David: The bathroom. Okay.
Benji: He gets to the back of the train, he starts heading towards the front looking for stragglers.
David: Sorry, we're the stragglers?
Benji: Yeah. By the time he gets to the front, the train's gonna be in the station and we're home free.
David: This is so **** stupid.
Benji: Man, what's stupid is the corporatization of travel. Ensuring that the rich move around the world, propagate their elitist loins, while the poor stay cut off from society.
David: That's great, we can argue Marxism while they're hauling us off to Siberia.
Benji: Siberia is in Russia, Dave.
David: This is ridiculous. Tickets are probably like twelve bucks.
Benji: It's the principle of paying. We shouldn't have to pay for train tickets in Poland. This is our country.
David: No, it's not. It was our country. They kicked us out 'cause they thought we were cheap.

View Quote Benji: [in their hotel room] How the **** are we supposed to smoke a joint in here? They ****in' locked the windows. It's like a goddamn police state.
David: Yo, man, I think I might just wanna crash. We've been up for like twenty-four hours.
Benji: Don't. Don't tell me you're gonna sleep on me. This is our first night together in ****in' years.
David: I don't know. I'm exhausted, I haven't showered...
Benji: You're exhausted? Dude, the weed's gonna help you sleep.
David: Is it the kind that helps you sleep?
Benji: No, it's the other kind.

View Quote First rule of magic: always be the smartest guy in the room.

View Quote Merritt McKinney: Thank you. Tonight we would like to try something that will, well, set us a bit apart.
Henley Reeves: For our final trick, we're gonna do something never before seen on a Las Vegas stage.
Jack Wilder: Or any stage for that matter.
Daniel Atlas: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are going to rob a bank.

View Quote Let me warn you. I want you to follow. Because no matter what you think you might know, we will always be 1 step, 3 steps, 7 steps ahead of you. And just when you think you're catching up, that's when we'll be right behind you. And at no time will you be anywhere other than exactly where I want you to be. So come close, get all over me; because the closer you think you are, the less you'll actually see.

View Quote Bernard: Your mum and I, we're going to separate. I've got you Tuesday, Wednesday and every other Thursday.
Walt: And what about the cat?
Joan: Shit! The cat!
Bernard: We didn't discuss the cat.

View Quote Sophie: [about The Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka] Yeah. I mean, it's gross when he turns into the bug, but I love how matter of fact everything is.
Walt: Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque.
Sophie: [She looks at him oddly and laughs] 'Cause it's written by Franz Kafka.
Walt: Right. I mean, clearly.

View Quote [Walt kisses Lili's knee]
Lili: [lowers her head] Do you think...
[Walt brings his head up and smacks her in the nose]
Lili: Oh shit! ****!
Walt: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Lili: No, it's ok. It's just a bloody nose.