Columbus The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons... were the fatties.
Played by Jesse Eisenberg 
Zombieland (2009) · 24 quotes
Zombieland (2009) · 24 quotes
Most-quoted character in Zombieland (2009): in 15 of its 24 quotes
Most scenes with: Tallahassee (5), Wichita (3)
Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm.
More lines from Columbus
6 quotes Columbus Columbus In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda…coulda…shoulda.
Columbus I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people.
Columbus [to Tallahassee]
You are like a giant **** blocking robot, like developed in a secret **** government lab!
Columbus [voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown]
Oh God. Look at this **** clown. Of course…it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules… [the words "RULE #17: DON'T BE A HERO" appear, with the word "DON'T" falling down] …are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. **** this clown.
Columbus So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.
Scenes with Columbus
8 scenes Columbus You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east.
So?
Columbus So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least - at least for a while?
Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh, I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, so, uh, I'll get this relationship to about Texarkana.
Columbus Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.
You're a peppy little spit ****, aren't you?
Columbus You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.
I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerves.
Columbus You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?
Back east, yeah?
Columbus Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?
Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.
Columbus There are no penguins on the North Pole.
You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
Columbus Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?
No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.
Columbus Hey, for ****'s sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it! We can't just **** drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? **** me.
Whoa.
Columbus I know.
Columbus [about Tallahassee]
Don't worry. He grows on you.
Really?
Columbus No, it gets worse.
[The group plays Monopoly]
Ooo, Free Parking! Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about living in Zombieland.
Columbus You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?
The best part is no more flushing. Epic.
Bill Murray [after Columbus shoots him]
Is that how you say hello where you come from?
Columbus Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
Mr. Murray?
Bill Murray I'm just Bill, I think, now.
Bill?
Bill Murray Yeah?
Bill Murray Ah. That's still tender.
You think you might pull through?
Bill Murray No.
Columbus If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
Bill Murray It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
Little Rock So do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray Garfield, maybe.
Wichita You know between you, me and "What About Bob?"... You're actually kinda cute.
Columbus You think so?
Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.
Columbus Really?
Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.
