Bernard
Hey - Watch it!
Frank
Suck my dick, ass man...
The Squid and the Whale quotes
Page 1 of 2 Bernard
Bernard
How do you know they were both Frank's?
Ms. Lemon
Well, I suppose it's possible other kids are masturbating and spreading their semen around the school as well... It's possible, but, uh, somewhat unlikely.
Bernard
Oh, it happens, I'm sure, much more than we know.
Joan
Bernard, have you ever done anything like this?
Bernard
I'm not going to answer that.
Bernard
Ivan is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine.
Frank
What's a philistine?
Bernard
It's a guy who doesn't care about books and interesting films and things. Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.
Frank
Then I'm a philistine.
Bernard
No, you're interested in books and things.
Frank
[pause]
No, I'm a philistine.
Bernard
Joan, let me ask you something. All that work I did at the end of our marriage, making dinners, cleaning up, being more attentive. It never was going to make a difference, was it? You were leaving no matter what...
Joan
You never made a dinner.
Bernard
I made burgers that time you had pneumonia.
Bernard
You'll have to share the bathroom with the boys. They get the upstairs and I have my own.
Lili
That's all right, as long as Walt remembers to pull the seat down.
Bernard
Your mum and I, we're going to separate. I've got you Tuesday, Wednesday and every other Thursday.
Walt
And what about the cat?
Joan
Shit! The cat!
Bernard
We didn't discuss the cat.
Frank Berkman
Across the park? Is that still Brooklyn?
Jeffrey
She could probably move her pussy muscles just the right way so you blow your load in like seconds.
Joan
You're living with a twenty-year-old.
Bernard
It's none of your business, Joan.
Joan
It's my business when you have our kids! It's confusing for them. Frank says Walt's in love with her.
Bernard
Walt has a girlfriend. **** off, Joan. I don't ask about you and Ivan. Stay out of my life. I can't believe you'd talk to me like this. You left all those **** ticket stubs and letters lying around! You wanted me to know. It was **** torture, Joan! **** TORTURE!
Lili
[they kiss]
Why did you stop?
Bernard
I'm your teacher.
Lili
You know, I've always wondered what it'd be like to **** you.
School Therapist
I wonder how you're feeling right now.
Walt
I don't know.
School Therapist
Why don't you tell me about something less uncomfortable, like a nice memory, maybe?
Walt
Isn't that kind of a stock question for a shrink?
School Therapist
Yes. That's more or less how this works.
Walt
I can't think of anything right now
School Therapist
Just think. Come one. Just something. Meet me halfway here.
Walt
Um, alright, let's see. Okay, um, when I was around six my mom and I, she and I ducked out of Julie Glynn's birthday party to watch Robin Hood together on our TV.
School Therapist
That sounds like a nice memory.
Walt
I liked Errol Flynn.
School Therapist
Errol Flynn. That's all?
Walt
And... I was glad she let me leave the party early to watch the movie. She and I loved that movie. It's like... It's like we were pals then. You know, we'd do things together. We'd look at the knight armor at the Met, the scary fish at the natural history museum. I was always afraid of the squid and the whale fighting. I could only look at it with my hands in front of my face. When we'd get home, after my bath, she'd go through all the different things we saw that day at the museum and... And we'd get to the Squid and the Whale and she'd describe it for me which was, maybe, still scary but it was less scary. Anyway, it was fun, it was fun to hear about it.
School Therapist
Did your dad live at home back then?
Walt
Yeah, why?
School Therapist
You didn't mention him. Where was he during all of this?
Walt
He was... I don't know, exactly. He was... He was downstairs, maybe. He didn't ever come to the museum. This was before my brother was born. This was before... It was earlier.
Sophie
[about The Metamorphosis, by Franz Kafka]
Yeah. I mean, it's gross when he turns into the bug, but I love how matter of fact everything is.
Walt
Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque.
Sophie
[She looks at him oddly and laughs]
'Cause it's written by Franz Kafka.
Walt
Right. I mean, clearly.
Walt Berkman
It's like... we were pals then... we'd do things together... we'd look at the knight armor at the Met. The scary fish at the Natural History Museum. I was always afraid of the squid and whale fighting. I can only look at it with my hands in front of my face.
Walt
It's Welles' masterpiece, really. Many people think it's Citizen Kane, but Magnificent Ambersons, if it hadn't been ruined by the studio, would've been his crowning achievement. As it is, it's still brilliant. It's the old story, genius not being recognized by the industry.
Lance
It sounds great. Who's in it?
Walt
Orson Welles? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. I've seen stills.
Lili
[Walt kisses Lili's knee] [lowers her head]
Do you think...
Lili
[Walt brings his head up and smacks her in the nose]
Oh shit! ****!
Walt
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Lili
No, it's ok. It's just a bloody nose.