Alec Baldwin movie quotes

View Quote [ To Jack and Bunny] Gentlemen, gentlemen. This is about Tooth. It's not a competition. But if it was... [He puts down his bag] I win!

View Quote [To a yeti who's painting a toy robot blue] I don't like it. Paint it red.

View Quote [From trailer] We go by many names. And take many forms. We bring wonder and hope. We bring joy and dreams. We are the Sandman and the Tooth Fairy. We are the Easter Bunny and Santa. And our powers are greater than you ever imagined. It is our job to protect the children of the world. For as long as they believe in us, we will guard them with our lives...

View Quote A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing.

View Quote And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your **** ass because a loser is a loser.

View Quote We're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? [Holds up prize] Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

View Quote [Sarcastic-imitating Ramius] "Ryan, some things in here don't react well to bullets." Yeah, like me. I don't react well to bullets.

View Quote I'm not an agent, I just write books for the CIA.

View Quote [to himself] Next time, Jack, write a damn memo.

View Quote I'll be there... around every corner... in every empty room... as inevitable as your guilty conscience.

View Quote The Shadow knows.

View Quote Lamont: Do you have any idea what it's like to have done things that you can never forgive yourself for?
Margo: Lamont… Whoever you were, whatever you did, it’s in the past
Lamont: Not for me, Margo. Never for me.

View Quote Heel! That's the big button, and you don't just PRESS the big button.

View Quote Son of my mom!

View Quote HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?! You promised me a professional, and what did I get? A puppy! He's still has his you-know-whats for crying out loud!

View Quote Microprocessors. Yes, those. I don't know what they are, you don't know what they are, who gives a ****. Cash!

View Quote You have an immaculate record. Some guys don't trust an immaculate record. I do. I have an immaculate record.

View Quote I'm gonna go have a smoke right now. You want a smoke? You don't smoke, do ya? What are ya, one of those fitness freaks, huh? Go **** yourself.

View Quote [last line]
Mr. Conductor: [narrating]: And so we've come to the happy end of our story, and it's time for all of us to go home, just like Thomas.

View Quote Mr. Conductor: [shocked, finding out Shining Time is in deep trouble] What's going wrong with our railroad and why? My universe is in danger! I've got to find more gold dust!

View Quote Junior: Hey (Cous)! What's up (enjoying the sun)?
Mr. Conductor: No (Junior). I'm not. As a matter of fact, I just escaped here after a heavy metal monster! Junior, where have you been?

View Quote Is it really necessary for you to always say no before you say yes?

View Quote And what's with the "big guy"? Is it because I'm fat?

View Quote And I like that you stopped getting bikini waxes. You've gone native. I dig it!

View Quote [addressing a row of USAAF flight officers and crew] The mission I am asking you to volunteer for is exceptionally dangerous. Take a look at the man beside you. It's a good bet that in the next six weeks, you, or he, will be dead. Everyone brave enough to accept this...step forward. [all of the men go forward]

View Quote Your grandma could take a B-25 off a mile-long runway. Well, I'm gonna train you to do it at 467 feet, because at 468 feet, you're dead, and once you get it up, you're gonna learn to fly it like a fighter. Thirty feet off the ground. I want you to say hello to Lt Jack Richards, Navy Aviation. He's gonna help us lighten these fat ladies here.

View Quote Victory belongs to those who believe in it the most and believe in it the longest. We're gonna believe. We're gonna make America believe too.

View Quote Charles Morse: [moments before the plane flies into a flock of wild birds] So what do you value me for, Bob?
Robert Green: I like your style, your wife's pretty cute too.
Charles Morse: So how are you planning to kill me?

View Quote [Stephen, Charles and Robert walking up to peak of mountain looking for a place to start a signal fire]
Stephen: Robert why do you think they'll even come looking for us?
Robert Green: Our friend is a billionaire, you know what happens when you misplace one?

View Quote Robert Green: [Eating] Wish we had some salt.
Charles Morse: You know, you can, uh... you can season meat with gunpowder. Did you know that?
Robert Green: Wish we had some gunpowder.

View Quote We're ghosts!

View Quote Adam: Barbara, I don't think we survived that crash.

View Quote Adam: For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: [refined voice] Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified?
Adam: Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?
Beetlejuice: Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?
(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)
Beetlejuice: [back to normal] You like it?

View Quote Alakay has failed the test!

View Quote I'm afraid there is only one solution to this horrible crisis - we'll all have to fight for it.

View Quote It's so disappointing when they don't grow up the way you want.

View Quote The kid wasn't lying. The doctor started taking things from her the moment she was born. Cord blood as an infant, white blood cell transfusions, bone marrow, lymphocytes, injections to add more stem cells, then they took them, too, but it was never enough.

View Quote When Anna Fitzgerald first stepped into my office I thought she was selling girl scout cookies.

View Quote I have an iron lung, and Judge helps me steer clear of magnets.

View Quote [After signing a contract, and the two high-foured The Cat]
Cat: Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! [he chuckles] What now?
Sally: Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
Conrad: She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on them or something.
Cat: And she's right, you can't jump on these. Not like this... They need some adjustment!
[puts on his name tag, but it is a mechanic-like Cat is seen]
Catwrench: Yee-Haw! Let's take a Look under the hood! [Spits and searches the couch for things like a truck lifter and a tennis racker] Yeah. Just doing my job [farts] Sorry, what have we got here... [pulls out a tennis racket] Here we go... It's oversized. That's unusual. [pulls out a Red heavy truck lifter] Here it is. [An elephant trunk comes out of the couch trumpeting] Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! [takes the tennis racket and hits the elephant trunk; it sprays water at him and continues trumpeting] Spray me, would you? Oh---
[He gets caught by an elephant trunk, and it starts choking Catwrench, he starts punching him, and the elephant whimpers and after it whimpers]
Catwrench: Thanks for the help. [gets under the couch] Back in a second. Who's your couch mechanic? You better call Mr. Catwrench... Owww! [starts fixing the couch, as more sparks come out from under] My Fur! MY FUR! MY FUR! [ends up getting sucked up under the couch, and then comes back from the under] That oughta do it! Whew!
[The couch then falls onto the floor, The Cat happily laughs and jumps on a couch, and jumps in another couch and then jumps on the couch again]
Cat: Come on, Kids! I could use a little company!
Sally: What about Mom's party?
Conrad: What about it? We signed the contract! [joins in jumping in the couch with the Cat]
Cat: One cushion left, Sally!
Conrad: She'll never do it. She doesn't know how to have fun.
The Fish: Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you: "No one sets foot in the living room." You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
[Flashback shows Joan talking to Conrad and Sally]
Joan: [In flashback with her voice slowed down] Absolutely, no one sets foot in the living room or else...
[Another flashback shows Mr. Humberfloob repeating...]
Mr. Humberfloob: [In flashback] ...You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, [Deep breath, and then he continues] fired, fired, fired...
[End of flashback]
Fish: And that's why... [The Cat grabs him and he screams in shock, and gets thrown into the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!
[Then, Sally joins in with Conrad and The Cat]
Conrad: This is amazing!
Sally: Like being in the circus!
The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See, kids, I told you we could have fun.
[The camera cuts to the door, Unbeknownst to The Cat, Conrad and Sally, Larry then opens the door, he is revealed to be wearing Yellow pants, a blue jean jacket, and a white tank top]
Conrad: The best thing is, no one will ever... Know.
Larry: Judas priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Sally: Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad, bad!
Larry: Sally. Baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!
[Quinn lets out a loud, obnoxious bark of laughter, brushing past them with a swagger in his step as he struts into the kitchen. Conrad and Sally nervously glance left and right, frantically scanning the living room to locate the couch where The Cat had just been jumping moments before.]
Sally: Where's the cat?
Conrad: I don't know.
Larry: [Larry saunters back into the living room frame, balancing a cold, sweat-beaded bottle of beer in one hand and a giant piece of white bread in the other. He takes a massive, ungraceful bite and lets out a long, thunderous burp. Sally instantly recoils, making a dramatic face of absolute disgust.] Good bread. What are you two looking at? [Without warning, The Cat launches himself off the furniture, flying high into the air with acrobatic precision. He hooks his gloved paws onto the ceiling trim and hangs upside down directly above Larry's head. The Cat aggressively begins scratching at his own fur, causing heavy clouds of loose cat hair to rain down straight onto Larry's face and shoulders. Larry immediately squints, his throat tightening as his allergies flare up wildly.] Is there a Cat in here? [continues sneezing] I'm gonna-- [Sneezes] You're gonna-- [Sneezes] I have to-- [Sneezes and then walks to the door, Unfortunately, for his misfortune, He Sneezes again] Get out of here. ​[In a blind, sneezing panic, Larry stumbles sideways toward the front door, sneezes twice and then he leaves the house, The two laugh]
Cat: See, kids. I told you. Stick with me; it'll all work out. [​Without warning, The Cat's nose twitches violently. His eyes cross, and he lets out a high-pitched, thunderous sneeze identical to Larry's. His grip completely fails, and he drops like a stone from the high ceiling, flailing his arms wildly and screaming at the top of his lungs. Lands on the floor and bounces.] Little-known fact: cats always land on their tushy!
Conrad: I thought they always landed on their feet.
Cat: Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph!

View Quote [After heaving a bulky, inanimate mannequin that vaguely resembles the slumped-over form of Mrs. Kwan onto the wooden crate, the Cat dusting off his hands]
Cat: There, that oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids, let's go, go, go! [The Cat, Conrad, and Sally dash out of the frame in a frantic hurry]
[The camera cuts to a cluttered apartment where Larry grunts, unbuckling his heavy back harness and tossing it aside before sinking heavily into a squeaky wooden rocking chair. With a groaning sigh, he pops out his false teeth and plops them into a glass cup with a loud clinking sound. A sharp, heavy knock echoes at his door]
Larry: Yeah! [Two burly Repomen unceremoniously push the door open and stride into the cramped apartment] What do you want now?
Repo Guy: [Thrusts an official paper directly into Lawrence's face with a flat expression] Repo.
Larry: You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. [He frantically pulls a worn leather wallet from his pocket and pulls out a plastic card] If it's about that balance check, here, let me give you a credit card. It's expired. [Without a word, the Repo crew hoists the heavy television up and marches out the door; Larry trails behind them, staring out the open entryway in utter defeat]
Narrator: With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning. [Larry strides over to the landline phone, dialing furiously; the camera cuts to Joan answering in her spotless office]
Joan: Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no-
Larry: Oh, hi, Joan, the kids let the dog out again.
Joan: You're kidding.
Larry: Don't worry, I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.
Joan: I don't know, Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's... Very sensitive.
Larry: Uh-huh.
Joan: [Sighs deeply, leaning her forehead on her palm] But I suppose it's something I should consider.
Larry: I'll get the dog; I'll be right over. [A continuous dial tone hums as Joan hangs up the receiver; back in his apartment, Larry thoughtfully picks at his exposed belly button with a deep groan]
[The camera shifts to a sunlit suburban backyard, tracking the trio as they peer over a thick green hedge; across the lawn, Nevins trots near a small wooden doghouse where Frank the dog sits watching]
Conrad: Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.
[Conrad, Sally, and the Cat duck down low against the dirt; plucked violin strings begin echoing softly in a dramatic suspense fashion, until the camera pans down to reveal the Cat vigorously plucking his own long facial whiskers like a cello]
Cat: I thought the moment needed something.
Fish: [Pops his head out of his water-filled glass jar, flailing his fins wildly in total panic] Oh. What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job? And we'll have to... LIVE ON THE STREET! [His voice cracks as he hyperventilates] I CAN'T GO! DON'T MAKE ME GO! I DON'T KNOW THIS WORLD! IT'S [Gasping, flopping about stiffly like a dried-up fish] DRY, AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
Conrad: Fish!
Fish: [Still flailing hysterically in the open air] IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO MUCH!
Cat: Would you like to go back in the toilet?
Fish: [Instantly stops panicking and snaps straight up] On second thought, it was such a beautiful day. Why can't it spend time indoors?
Cat: Thank you! [The Fish dramatically gasps, squeezes his gills shut, and plunges safely back to the bottom of the glass jar]

View Quote Larry: [sing-song] I'm sending Conrad away! [Nevins urinates on the taco] Oh! [looks at the taco, sniffs it, looking disgusted] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait 'till Joan gets a load of you!
Cat: There they are!
Fish: [points to the red light] Red light, red light, red light, red light, red light, red light... RED LIGHT!!!!! [Conrad, Sally and the Cat scream as the S.L.O.W. starts turning, the Fish yelps and falls onto the seat] Someone else should drive!
Cat: Alright. You win. Concrete, you drive. [gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea", but I can barely hear that little voice because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the 12-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
[the Cat wears a red cap upon his head, then pukes on the bag, Sally exclaims in disgust]
Sally: I want to drive.
Cat: I think that's a great idea. [gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
Cat: You're right. We should all drive. [gets his own wheel, it is made of chains, The S.L.O.W. starts doing donuts and the Trio starts screaming]
Conrad: Cat! Where are the brakes?
Cat: I'll get them. [Gets the brakes and rips them off the vehicle] I think there's something wrong with your brakes. When's the last time you had them checked? [Chortles] Bad brake! [throws the Brakes out]

View Quote Aki: There's a life-form in here.
Gray: There hasn't been life here in years.
Aki: Well there is now.

View Quote Gray: Is the General suggesting that Dr. Ross is a spy?
General Hein: The General is wondering why he's explaining himself to a Captain.

View Quote Dr. Sid:: Her vital signs are dropping. Aki is slipping away from us. She needs a sympathetic spirit to help hold her in this world, and I can think of no spirit better suited for that task than yours, Captain.
Gray: I don't understand.
Dr. Sid:: You don't have to understand. You just be with her now. You keep her with us.

View Quote One more thing. Making sex is like Chinese dinner. It ain't over till you both get your cookies...Remember that I said that.

View Quote Old Man Dunphy: So what ever happened to that little girl of yours?
Timothy Dunphy: She's going to Brown University in the fall.
Old Man Dunphy: Brown University? They got one of those in Providence!
Timothy Dunphy: There's only one, Pop.

View Quote Timothy Dunphy: What's a prep school?
Old Man Dunphy: It's to prepare you for not getting your neck broke by me.

View Quote Dennis: Finally. I gotcha right where I want you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, can I help you with something, sir?
Dennis: Name's Dennis, I've been hired to exterminate you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You're gonna exterminate us? [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh] Listen, junior, you caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.
Dennis: You mean, these? [rips off the fake mustaches] I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.
SpongeBob SquarePants: They were fake?
Dennis: Of course they were fake! This is what a real mustache looks like.
Patrick Star: Is he a mermaid?
Dennis: Alright, enough gab.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are you gonna do to us?
Dennis: Plankton was very specific.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton?
Dennis: For some reason, he wanted me to step on ya.
Patrick Star: Step on us?
Dennis: Yeah, that way you'll never find out that he stole the crown! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other in stunned surprise] Uh...Perhaps I've said too much.
Patrick Star: That's a big boot.
Dennis: Don't worry. This will only hurt a lot! I love this job!
[an extremely large boot stomps on him]
Patrick Star: BIGGER BOOT!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [stops Patrick] Wait, Pat, this bigger boot saved our lives.
Patrick Star: Yay.
Both: Thank you, stranger.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uhh, stranger? IT'S THE CYCLOPS!!!

View Quote [Back on the surface, Hasselhoff, with SpongeBob, Patrick and the crown still on his back, zooms across the water like a speedboat. A fisherman startles as he falls off his boat after seeing Hasselhoff, who smile]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hooray for Hasselhoff! Nothing can stop us now!
Patrick Star: Huh? Unidentified object off the hindquarters.
SpongeBob SquarePants: It looks like... Bigger boot. But how? AAHH! DENNIS!
Dennis: Did you miss me?
Sheldon J. Plankton: This is the best seat in the house. Alright, Neptune, let's get it on!
King Neptune: Eugene Krabs, your six day reprieve is up, and it is time for you to die.
Eugene Harold Krabs: Please, I didn't do it!
King Neptune: There is nothing else I can do.
Mindy: You can give SpongeBob and Patrick a little more time.
King Neptune: Except give SpongeBob and Patrick a little more ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-time---- WHAT? Mindy, will you butt out? I won't have you stalling this execution.
Mindy: Stalling? I'm not stalling anything.
King Neptune: Yes, you are.
Mindy: No, I'm not.
King Neptune: Yes, you are. You're doing it right now.
Mindy: I'm stalling?
King Neptune: Yes.
Mindy: Stalling?
King Neptune: Stalling!
Mindy: Stalling.
King Neptune: Stalling!
Sheldon J. Plankton: Oh, boy.
Dennis: Now, where were we?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, run!
Patrick Star: No! I'm tired of running. If we run now, we'll never stop- [Dennis knocks him away] Run, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Ahhhhhh! [He slides down David's rear, but Dennis stabs it with his knife]
Hasselhoff: Ooh! Take it easy back there, fellas.
Patrick Star: SpongeBob, be careful!
Dennis: Come on, kid, give it up. Dennis always gets his man.
SpongeBob SquarePants: NEVER!!!!!!!!!! [jumps to Hasselhoff's other leg] Yeah, I did it!
Dennis: You got guts, kid. Too bad I gotta rip 'em outta ya.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, I don't know what Plankton's paying you, but if you let us go, I can make it worth your while. [presents a stack of Goober Dollars]
Dennis: [grabs them] It's gonna take more than 5...What is this?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, that, sir, is 5 Goober Dollars. Legal tender at any participating Goofy Goober - [Dennis furiously grabs him by the shirt] I got bubbles. Fun at parties. [Blows them at Dennis's face]
Dennis: My eyes!
Patrick Star: I got you, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Thanks, buddy. Yeah, thanks a lot.
Dennis: [last words] That's it! I'm through messin' around! SEE YA LATER, FOOLS! Huh?
[A boat horn honks, and Hasselhoff ducks under a catamaran. The boat knocks Dennis off him]
Patrick Star: See ya.

View Quote Sheldon J. Plankton: Evil Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I've already hired someone to take care of those two. HE'S A VICIOUS, COLD-BLOODED PREDATOR!!!!!
[Elsewhere, a green fish riding a motorcycle stops at the gas station and picks up a sesame seed]
Dennis: Sesame seed.
Floyd: Hey, mister, does that hat take 10 gallons?
[Floyd and Lloyd smack their knees and laugh more. Dennis rips off their mouths]

View Quote Hunley: Hunt, I hope you realize you've set US-UK relations back to the American Revolution.
Ethan: Desperate times, desperate measures, sir.

View Quote Hunley: I'm not interested in playing games, Brandt.
Brandt: And I'm not interested in seeing my friends get killed either. So if I'm going to betray them, we're going to do this in my terms and my terms only, do you understand? Keep your phone on, instruction will follow. [hangs up]

View Quote Hunley: Less than 24 hours after we interviewed Benji Dunn about Ethan Hunt, he was on a plane to Vienna with tickets to the opera, and within six hours of his arrival, the Chancellor was dead! Now, that may be circumstances to some public defender, but to the CIA, that is actionable intelligence!
Brandt: Consider for the moment the possibility that Ethan's investigation lead him to the opera and that he's the one with the actionable intelligence.
Hunley: In any case, finding Hunt is no longer a pet project! The Special Activities Division will now have full discretion.
Brandt: You mean shoot to kill.
Hunley: Whether Hunt lives or dies is entirely up to him.

View Quote Tim: Go left! Go left! Go left!
Boss Baby: I'm going to go where navigation says.
Navigation: Turn left.
Boss Baby: Thank you, navigation.

View Quote Boss Baby: It's not personal! It's business, Tim!
Tim: [grunts] Well, it's personal to me, Theodore!

View Quote Tim: You know, I-I'm sorry we do not see each other anymore.
Boss Baby: A very wise person once told me just because you grow up does not mean you have to grow apart.
Tim: Was it Tina?
Boss Baby: Oh yeah.
Tim: [laughs] Oh, it is crazy how smart she is.
Boss Baby: It's like she looks right into her soul.
Tim: I'm sorry that I missed your graduations.
Boss Baby: I'm sorry I missed your one wedding.
Both: I'm sorry I was not there for you.