'Dark Coud'? Is that what I'm calling my plan, 'Dark Cloud'?
Lou
Tobey Maguire · 15 quotes
Mr. Tinkles
Sean Hayes · 15 quotes
Butch
Alec Baldwin · 12 quotes
Calico
Jon Lovitz · 9 quotes
Russian Kitty
9 quotes
Peek
Joe Pantoliano · 5 quotes
Ivy
Susan Sarandon · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Mr. Tinkles & Calico (4), Lou & Butch (3), Lou & Peek (3)
Cats & Dogs quotes
Page 1 of 4How could this have happened?!
Control
It was an accident. He slipped through.
You promised me a professional! And what do I get?! A puppy! I mean, he's still got his you-know-whats, for crying out loud!
Control
There's no time, Butch. The puppy stays. End of discussion. Out.
Hey, can I show you something terrific? [leaps into the skip and tosses out a roast chicken] The Brodys have the best garbage on the block! Go on, take a bite!
Mmm, glad I'm not the only one excited about the chicken. I was beginning to think I've been a stray too long.
Stray? Cool... I've never met a stray. [chuckles nervously]
Actually, I prefer "domestically challenged."
[trying to sound tough]
Well, Miss Challenged, I'm sorry, but I think you gotta leave! My orders are clear! I am not gonna permit--
That's right! I'm a secret agent!
I don't have time for fun!
Ooh, tough guy... [she tickles his neck and belly, making him roll over in pleasure] Stop with the agent stuff, okay? You have your very own kid to play with. Don't take it for granted. [starts to leave]
Whoa... Hey, where you going? Could you do that again?
Next time the boy talks to you, just tilt your head and perk up your ears. You'll see what I'm talking about. And do me a favour - tell Butch Ivy's back in town.
[After Mrs. Brody brings home a Russian Blue kitten]
I'm onto you kitty, and you're in big trouble.
[The Russian Blue opens the ball, dropping a pile of dog feces.]
From Russia with love...
Uh-oh...
...stealth poop.
Mrs. Brody [Mrs. Brody walks in and gasps at the sight. Cut to the outside of the backyard, where she drops him off.]
I don't have time for this. Bad dog!
HEY, YOU STUPID CAT!!!
That'll definitely get his attention.
I'm on to you kitty and you're in big trouble.
(deep Russian accent)
I think not, baby puppy. It is you who is in trouble. [splits a container in half and slaps a gigantic lump of dog doo in the middle of the carpet] From Russia with love.
Uh-oh.
[over the phone, in a taunting "nyah nyah" sing-song]
Meow-meow-me-meow-meow! How many dogs does it take to overthrow mankind? Just one stupid puppy.
Where is my family?!
Oh, they're alive... for now. But it won't matter. You see, I've--
[The limousine Tinkles is riding in swerves, sending him sliding and slamming into the side]
THIS ISN'T NASCAR, YOU IDIOT! [clears throat] I have seized the professor's formula, and in a mere hour I will reverse it, giving me the power to make all humans allergic to dogs!
What?!
[The limousine swerves again, sending Tinkles sliding into the other side]
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GLOAT GLEEFULLY WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING LIKE A CHIMPANZEE?!? I MEAN, REALLY! [clears throat again] Now I will make all of humanity violently allergic to your wretched kind, and when you are all hated and despised by those you protect, you will be CAST OUT, leaving me to lead all of cat-kind in a glorious revolution to conquer the world! [laughs evilly]
What will we do?
"We"? You just handed the world back to the cats and doomed the human race forever! There's nothing left to do.
Is that what I think it is?
What, Butch?
Yep, it's the Cat Tracker 2000.
[A beacon is shown to be planted on the limousine]
Those fleabags must be running for the hills! [chuckles]
Yeah, I... yeah, that's what I was thinking.
I want you to stay here.
Why?
Because I hate you.
Cut the red wire.
Wait a minute... we're dogs. WE'RE COLORBLIND!
Sam Sir, request permission to pant heavily, sir!
Granted.
Sophie [Sophie is taking Mr. Tinkles home after his failed attempt to take over the world.]
That's right, Mr. Tinkles, you have been a very bad kitty! I'm just going to have to teach you how to behave. Now, you'll just have to live with me... [Entering the house...] ...and my sisters!
[All of Sophie's sisters, who are also all maids, excitedly scream and run to the door to see Mr. Tinkles. The movie ends with them dressing him up in ridiculous little outfits, much to his humiliation.] [Closing line]
This can't be happening.
Hold on a second, kid.
No!
Hold it!
Hey, they can't do this! You should've fought for me! For my family!
Why? What good would it do?
What about "Man's Best Friend"? History 101, remember?
Okay, well, here's lesson number 2: We protect them. We work for them. We tolerate their stupid "boochy-boochy" baby-talk crap. AND FOR WHAT?! So when they go off to college, they dump you with some old lady who can't throw a ball without so much as BREAKING HER HIP! [He starts walking away]
Is that what happened to you? [Butch stops] You gonna blame my family for what some boy did to you?
[looks at Lou, shocked; walks to the fence-door]
Look, kid, I'm sorry it played out like this, but it's over. We're shut down. [fence-door closes]
Hey, Butch, I heard what happened. How's Lou?
I told him not to get attached to the boy.
Sure. An agent keeps his mind on the mission and nothing else. That's why my family didn't love me, Butch.
We all have our sob stories. Now, he has his.
Hey, you stupid cat!
That'll get his attention.
I was just thinking - if I'm gonna to be a secret agent, I should have a better name. I was thinking, "Toto Annihilation."
Nah, he's a pro-wrestler. Sorry, that name's taken.
All right, then. "Doom Machine" it is.
Hey! You can call yourself "Squicky the Space-Dog" for all I care. [Sam and Peak snicker] But that don't make your behind a rocket pack. You are not an agent, but you are gonna help us.