The Boss Baby 2017 quotes

Would Timothy Templeton, please pick up the white courtesy phone? Timothy Leslie Templeton, please pick up the white courtesy phone. [snickers] Leslie.

WHAT? So help me, I will nail his diaper to the wall! Have we heard anything from that little Boss Baby that we sent down to the Templetons?

I don't know.

YOU'RE FIRED!

Oh no!

YOU'RE ALL FIRED! THE PET CONVENTION IS IN TWO DAYS! If he doesn't come up with answers, HE'S FIRED, RETIRED, GONE!!!

Okay, tour's over!

Tim

AAAAAGGGHHH!!! What was Big Bossy Baby Lady screaming about?

She's demanding actual results. The pet convention is in two days... AND I'VE GOT NOTHING! [phone rings] That's her! Don't answer it! [He chucks the phone into a dirty diaper bin, and Tim dodges it. Boss Baby nearly falls asleep but wakes up again] AH! STRESS NAP! [Squeezing Senor Squeaky as he paces back and forth across the room] If I don't find out what that new puppy is and fast, not only will I not get that promotion, I COULD GET FIRED!

Tim

Hey, relax. I'm sure there's other cool jobs for babies, right? [snaps his fingers; condescendingly] Meanwhile, two days goes by like that. [holds up Boss Baby's briefcase] You better start packing.

WHAT!?!?!? [belligerently throws Senor Squeaky into Tim's groin]

Tim

OOOHHHHH!

YOU DON'T GET IT, TEMPLETON!!! If I'm fired, they'll take away my formula. I will turn into a normal baby and live here forever with you!

Tim

No!

Yes! And I promise you this: Every morning you wake up, I will be there. Shh. Every night at dinner, I will be there. Every birthday party, I will be there. Every Christmas, I'll be there! Year after year after year. We will grow old together. You and I... will be brothers. Always.

Tim

No, no, this is terrible!

I know!

Tim

This can't be happening!

But it is!

Tim

YOU CAN'T STAY HERE!

I CAN'T!

Tim

DON'T PANIC!

BUT IT FEELS RIGHT!

Tim

I KNOW! But we have to fix this! We have to make sure you don't get fired!

We?

Tim

We. I will help you, but just to get rid of you. Deal?

Deal. Here's to never seeing you again.

Tim

Back at ya, baby. Um.

Now let's get to work.

WRONG! You're not supposed to end with "Ha!"

Tim

That's right!

Francis Francis

What?
Boss Baby You're supposed to end with...

AAARRGGH!

En garde!

Francis Francis

Hey, oh! Argh! D'oh!

Tim

You are fired!

And here's your severance package!

Wait. No, no, no! Argh-ha!

Francis Francis

WHOAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhh!!!!!

Ha, ha-ha!

Tim

Take that, you scurvy scally-wag!

Argh!

One minute and counting.

Help!

Anybody!

Tim, what are you doing? NOOOOOO! [laughs]

Tim

Mom, Dad, I'm coming!

Tim?

Is that you?

Tim

Don't worry, Mom and Dad, I got this!

Are you okay?

Is the baby all right?

Yes, the baby's fine!

Who was that?

Tim

Uh, uh, that was me. [clears throat] The baby's fine. It won't budge!

What's happening?

Tim

Wait a second. Hey. I know a way to move my parents.

How?

Tim

We can use the puppies!

Upsies! I need upsies!

Tim

But what if you go baby again?

It will be fine! [goes back into normal baby mode] Fine, fine... [slaps] FINE!! It will be fine.

Tim

Hang on to your diaper! Woo-hoo!

We are moving!

Why are we moving?

Tim

All right, Mom and Dad, hang on!

T-minus thirty seconds.

Tim

Oh no, wait! Hold on!

Go, Tim! Get your parents... out of here.

Tim

You have gotta jump! Come on, it is a piece of cake! No, no patty cake, get down! [This saddens Boss Baby, who starts crying.] Don't cry, I am sorry, I am sorry, please don't cry.

Twenty seconds. Fifteen seconds.

Tim

Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life. You were only waiting, for this moment to arise.

Three... [Tim: Gotcha!] two... one... blast off!

Tim

Yeah! Hey, are you still in there? Aha!

Ah! What happened? Did we win?

Tim

We won!

We won?

Tim

We won, we won, we won!

We won! Yes! [snores] Victory nap! Whoo!

Baby Francis

You ruined everything!

Tim

Whoa!

Ew!

Baby Francis

It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!

Tim

That's not right.

Baby Francis

Ugh! Now you're really going to pay!

Oh yeah?! It's time you pick on someone your own size?!

Baby Francis

What?! Eugene! You put me down! You hear me?! I am the boss of you!

Eugene

This time, we will raise him right. [making a humming tune]

Well, I am sure that is gonna turn out fine.

Tim, what is happening?

Tim

Mom, Dad, hold on! Yes!

Tim?

Tim!

Tim! Oh, are you okay?

Tim

I am fine, we are fine.

You saved us.

You are our hero.

And a great big brother.

Oh, we love you both so much.

Tim

Both of us?

With all our heart.

Let's go home.

I've never been so humiliated in all my LIFE! [dog sniffs costume's bottom part] Ugh! [Tim laughs, then the guard sees a puppy sniffing Boss Baby’s bottom. Boss Baby is looking at the guard] Arf! [he runs to the doggie door, but more puppies run out and push him back to his starting point. Tim grabs a ball]

Hey!
Boss Baby: AAAAAHHHH!

Tim

Fetch! [The puppies run after the ball]

Ah! What am I doing? [he runs back to the doggie door but the guard grabs him] Whoa!

Tim

Oh no! [The guard wears an angry expression while holding Boss Baby, but he licks him in the check. The Boss Baby and the guard splutter in disgust. Boss Baby runs through the doggie door as the guard runs towards a fountain and gurgles]

Tim

Yes!

Chicks dig babies.

Tim

Bleugh! The people of Long Island do not know how to make an iced tea.

I can't do this without you, Tim. I need you.

Tim

I guess we do make a pretty good team.

No, literally, I... I can't reach the door knobs.

I'm making great progress with the parents already. Oh, the usual procedure, sleep deprivation, hunger strikes. They're very disoriented. I've got them, eating out of the palm of my hand. They do everything for me. It's hilarious. But I think the kid might be on to me. No, I can handle him. I know how this important mission is to the company.

Tim

Mission?

Well, trust me, ma'am. You've got the right baby for this job.

Tim

Hands up, devil baby!

Fart! Poop! Doody! [Tim screams and exclaims while a toy gun is firing] I've gotta deal with the K. I. D.

Tim

You can talk!

Uh, goo-goo ga-ga.

Tim

No! You can really talk! I heard you!

Fine, I can talk. Now let's see if you can listen. Give me a double espresso and see if there's someplace around here with decent sushi, I'd KILL for a spicy tuna roll right about now. [gives Tim some money] Get yourself a little something.

Tim

Who are you?

Let's just say... I'm the boss.

Tim

The boss? You're a baby, you wear a diaper.

You know who else wears diapers? Astronauts, and NASCAR drivers, that's who, it's called efficiency, Templeton. The average toddler spends, what? Forty-five hours a year on the potty? [laughs] I'm the boss. I don't have that kind of spare time.

Tim

Well... you're not the boss of me.

I am the boss of you.

Tim

No, you are not.
Boss Baby Am, too. [Tim: Are not.] Am, too. [Tim: Are not.] Am, too! [Tim: Are not!] Am, too! [Tim: Are not!] [over recording] Am, too. [Tim: Are not!] Am, too. Am, too. Am, too. Am, too.

Tim

I was here first. Just wait until Mom and Dad find out about this!

Oh, yeah? You think they'd pick you over me? With your track record?

Tim

You don't know anything about me.

So that's how you want to play it, huh? Let's see. Templeton, Timothy, middle name. [laughs] I'm sorry, Leslie! Mostly C's.

Tim

How do you know all that?

Can't ride a bike without training wheels? Even bears can ride a bike without training wheels, Leslie.

Tim

Um.

Uh, DOB says you are seven.

Tim

Seven and a half.

Power nap! Uh, you were saying?

Tim

I'm seven and a half.

Exactly, you're old. It's time to make way for the next generation. It's the way of the world. You would never ask your parents for an old toy.

Tim

Lam-Lam?

Everyone wants the hot, new thing.

Destroy.

Tim

Lam-Lam!

I've got fresh batteries! BOOM!

Tim

Mom and Dad don't even know you. They love me!

Oh yeah? Do the math, kid. There's only so much love to go around. It's like these beads. You used to have all your parents' love. All their time, all their attention. You had all the beads, but then I came along. Babies take up a lot of time. They need a lot of attention. They get all the love.

Tim

We could share.

You obviously didn't go to business school. Look, Templeton, the numbers just don't add up. There's not enough love for the two of us. Not enough beads to go around. And then, all of a sudden... [gasps] there's no place for Tim. Tim doesn't fit anymore. Oh no! What about Tim? [laughs] So keep quiet, stay out of my way, or there's gonna be cutbacks. [flicks fingers]

Tim

You can't be fired from your own family! Can you?

Thank you all for coming here on such a short notice. Now, before we begin... [Is the kid listening?]

Yes, sir!

Sure is!

Affirmative!

Jimbo, run some interference.

Tim

Hey!

We babies are having a crisis!

Oh no!

That's awful!

Horrible!

What is it?

Well, it's simpler if I just show you. Teddy, if you please.

Let's put on a show!

Oh. [Staci gasps]

Here we go!

Jimbo, hit the lights. [Jimbo hits lights] You see, babies aren't getting as much love as we used to.

Why? Have we been bad?

No, Staci. But I'll tell you who is. Behold our mortal enemy. Puppies!

Aww!

No, no, that's exactly the problem!

Tim

Puppies? What's the deal with puppies?

Throughout history, people have loved babies more than anything in the world. We've always been must-have item, number one on every wish list. Puppies were merely accessories. But all that changed when the puppies began coming out with new designer models. Each one more adorable than the last. Remember the Labradoodle? The Peekaboo? The Chiweenie? Try to say "Chiweenie" without smiling. [All: Chiwee...] Not possible, don't waste your time. We all laughed at the Shar Pei. [Jimbo laughs] And now it's number one in China.

Oh no!

That's terrible!

Horrible!

Yes. And it gets even worse. Francis Francis, the CEO of Puppy Co, made this announcement. Teddy, roll the clip.

Francis Francis

And we are on schedule to release the most adorable puppy ever! We're gonna launch it at the pet convention in Las Vegas! Watch out, world! It's gonna crush the competition!

Yay!

No, Jimbo. No "yay". We are the competition! This is war. Puppies are winning, and babies are losing. Thank you, Teddy. And if this new puppy is as cute as we fear, it could put the baby business out of business, baby.

Uh-oh!

That's awful!

Bad news, baby!

What are we going to do?

My job is to find out exactly what that new puppy is, so that Baby Corp can stop it. And you're going to help me.

Genius!

Home run!

You still got it, boss!

Yay!

Yay. Now, your parents all work for Puppy Co. So, have you learned anything from them?

Yes, sir!

Sure did!

Mm-hm!

Fantastic. Triplets, go!

A, B, C, D.

No, what have you learned about the new puppy?

Yay, puppy!

No, Jimbo! Puppies are evil! Staci, read back the notes.

I can't read. What's it say? [?]

THIS IS MY TEAM!? A muscle-head, a bunch of yes men, and a doodler?

Exactly!

Affirmative!

Good call!

Oh yeah!

Nice one, BB!

Tim

Gotcha!

PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN! Cookies are for closers.

Let's have another show!

No, Teddy! No! [Staci cries]

How about a hug?

No more shows!

Boss!

There's plenty of love to go around!

Teddy, go to sleep!

Nighty-night... [faints]

Boss, Boss!

WHAT?!

PARENTS!

Aww! It's like they're having their own little meeting! [The parents begin taking pictures of the babies, Boss Baby is eating his foot, Staci is throwing her papers in the air, and Jimbo is eating all the cookies]

Isn't that adorable?

Who wants dessert?

God, this is so humiliating! [it repeats on the tape]

Tim

Wait until Mom and Dad hear this. [gasps, finds Boss Baby and his infants]

Hey, Templeton, what you got there?

Tim

Uh, nothing.

Hand over the tape.

Tim

Never! [rushes outside and finds Janice and Ted inside] Mom! Dad! Over here!

Hi, Timmy!

Hi! Anyway... [Tim gets surrounded by Boss Baby and his infants. They are in vehicles. Staci is in a kid's flower bike.]

Flower power! [Jimbo rolls his ball popper. The triplets are in a firetruck. Boss Baby is in a police car.]

You can't get away from Johnny Law, simpleton. [The chase starts.]

Tim

Ha! [runs]

Fasten your seat belt! Let's go! [Staci gets stuck in a sandbox, and pouts]

Run, run, run, run, run... [crashes through a fence. The triplets ride in the firetruck and snatch the tape]

Tim

Hey!

Ha-ha! [Tim finds the hose rolling out]

Tim

Hmm.

Uh-oh! [Tim ties the hose to a pole with tap and yanks it really hard, which sends the triplets and the tape flying]

WHOA!

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run! Catch, catch, catch, catch, catch, catch! [catches them, and the firetruck hits the ground explodes, sending the tape flying]

Tim

Whoa!

Yes! [grabs the tape and flies in the air then comes back to the ground] Oh, yeah! [finds Tim in the police car, then Tim splutters] Let go, you little... [The scene cuts to Ted and Janice looking outside a window]

Oh, look, the kids are finally getting along.

That's nice! [Janice and Ted clink glasses together. The scene cuts back to backyard. Boss Baby swings Tim around, then falls onto the grass, the babies come in, Boss Baby makes a throat cutting gesture, and the babies charge]

Tim

Sayonara! [rides a rope into his treehouse, and grabs suction cup darts and a Nerf gun] You wanna play? Let's play! [uses a paper clip and swings down on a rope and shoots suction cup darts at Jimbo]

NOOOOO! Save Boss! Save Boss! [gets suction cup darts on him. The tape drops. Tim grabs the tape]

Get him!

I got him, I got him, I got him! [Tim jumps on a trampoline into the window of the house, and Staci and the triplets bounce on the trampoline, unable to reach the window. Staci flies into the air and gets stuck in a tree]

Tim

You're toast, baby man!

Upsies! I need upsieeees! [Jimbo twirls him, and Boss Baby flies into a window, breaking it.]

Who wants... [drops the plate] cheese-sticks! [They look at the mess.]

Oh! [Jimbo stands still, and the toy firetruck is behind him on fire.] Oh! [The triplets play with the broken glass from the window that Jimbo threw Boss Baby into it.] Oh! [Staci is stuck in the tree. She looks at them, with a confused expression on her face, and cries.]

Tim

Mom, Dad! I've got proof! [Boss Baby runs in his walker and gets vampire teeth, then growls and bites Tim on the leg] Ah! [Boss Baby tumbles, and Tim slides down the stairs] Oh, someone can't go down the stairs? Ha!

Nothing can stop me! [rolls down the stairs, then Tim opens the door, and he rolls outside, and Tim closes the door]

Tim

Mom, Dad! Where are you guys? Hello! Where did everyone go? [runs into the office room] Mom, Dad! The baby can talk!

Oh, can he now? [turns to Tim in a chair]

Tim

Wait, how did you...?

Hand over the tape, Timmy, or Lam-Lam gets it, see? [grabs a stapler]

Tim

No!

What's that, Lam-Lam? Oh, you want a nose ring? Well, it's really not my scene, but who am I to judge!? [staples Lam-Lam's nose, then Tim whimpers] And an eyebrow ring. Seems like a little bit too much, Lam-Lam! [staples Lam-Lam's eyebrow]

Tim

Ah!

How's that gonna look in a job interview?

Tim

Stop it!

The tape, Timmy, or I'm gonna rip-rip-rip-rip-rip-rip-rip...

Tim

NOOOOO! [grabs Lam-Lam and they tug at her] Let go!

You let go!

Tim

You let go!

Give me the tape!

Tim

Give me Lam-Lam! [pauses; gasps, seeing Lam-Lam ripped, then glares at Boss Baby]

Whoops! Too far! [Tim grunts, grabs him] Templeton, Templeton, let’s be reasonable! We can be reasonable, right? What are you doing?!

Tim

You've been asking for this since you got here! [puts the jumper up on the window]

We can talk about this over a juice box!

Tim

Time for juice boxes is over!

No, no, Templeton! You wouldn't!

Tim

Say bye-bye, baby! You're fired!

Tim, what are you doing?!

Tim

Nothing. [Boss Baby looks at Ted, and cries. Tim let us go of the jumper, accidentally shoots the tape out the window, then it lands onto the road and gets run over in tape is brokeness by a passing car, horrified, gasps] My proof! [Boss Baby grins triumphantly]

Tim! [takes Boss Baby] Explain yourself!

Yes, explain yourself!

Tim

It wasn't me! It was the baby's fault!

The baby's fault?

Tim

It's true, he can talk! They all can talk! They're having a meeting! There's something about puppies! It's one big baby con-spy-racy!

Timothy Leslie Templeton! [Boss Baby snickers]

We are very disappointed in you.

No, we're mad at you!

Exactly, we're mad at you!

Tim

Mad?

You need a time-out!

You're grounded!

Yes, grounded! (to Janice) For two?

Three!

Three days?

Weeks!

Weeks! Three weeks!

For three... NEVERS!!!

You know what, Janice, you're never 3 weeks ever again!

Tim

Grounded?

You're gonna stay in this house with your baby brother... [Boss Baby gasps and looks at her up with confusion] until you learn to get along.

Oh, great. [Tim looks down in disappointment. The scene fades to a jail/prison cell]

Adult Tim

It was my first time behind bars. The big house. The lock-up. Grounded for life. The minutes turned into hours, the hours into days. Every man has his breaking point. This was mine.

Tim, I may look like a baby, but I was born all grown-up.

Tim

I cannot even imagine not being a kid. You missed out on your whole childhood? You never had someone to love you?

Well, you can't miss what you never had.

We have gotta get to the convention center!

Tim

Should we get a taxi?

Darn! I spent all my per diem! That's more our speed! Right.

Tim

Excuse me, ladies! Can we get a ride home? Jimmy has been sick and he needs his expensive medicine.

Aww!

Where do you live, sweetie?

Tim

The convention center.

Well, that didn't end well. [Tim and Boss Baby look at "Top Secret: New Puppy" file, opened up, and he sees the text "GOTCHA!!!" written by Puppy Co Pete]

WHAT?! [Puppy Co Pete chuckles ominously and pulls the lever, then Tim and Boss Baby scream in fall and trapped in a chair]

Tim

Huh?

What the...?

Francis Francis

Thanks for dropping in, kids.

Tim

Francis Francis?

Francis Francis

I see you've met my big brother, Eugene. A man of few words. [Eugene takes off his Puppy Co. Pete head and makes a growling gibberish noise] None, in fact.

Tim

Can you put your head back on, please?

What is all this?

Francis Francis

Surprise!

A Baby Corp binky? Where did you get that?!?!

Francis Francis

Oh, you don't recognize me? Perhaps from my youth!

Super Colossal Big Fat Boss Baby?

Tim

Whoa. He is him? And him is you? Except older and wrinklier. [reacting to Francis Francis sucks on the pacifier] That's not right.

No, you were my hero! How did you end up... here?

Francis Francis

You know what I do to little kids who ask lots of questions about me? Eugene!

Francis Francis

I read them my story. [as Eugene sets down cookies] And... I baked cookies! Eugene, my chair.

Francis Francis

Now, it all started at Baby Corp, a long, long time ago, I was a hotshot executive headed straight to the top. Everyone loved me. They gave me a promotion, the corner office, my very own...

Personal potty?

Francis Francis

Shing! I had it all. [sadly] But then, one day, I made a terrible discovery. I was getting... old. The formula wasn't working anymore. It turns out I was lactose intolerant.

No!

Francis Francis

Yes! I got called in to see the board of directors.

Tim

Who are the boring directors?

Francis Francis

The biggest baby bosses of them all. I thought they loved me. But they replaced me with someone new, someone younger.

Tim

That's horrible.

Francis Francis

All of a sudden, she got all the love, all the attention. You know how that feels, don't you, Tim? It hurts, doesn't it? [hands a cookie to Tim]

Tim

Yeah, it does. [eats the cookies] And then what happened?

Francis Francis

Well... [angrily snaps with a red hue glowing on his face] THEY FIRED ME!!! AND TOOK AWAY MY SPECIAL FORMULA! THEN THEY SENT ME DOWN TO LIVE WITH A… F... F... F... [stammering] family!

Oh, Francis, no!

Francis Francis

BABY CORP BETRAYED ME!!! AND I'M FINALLY GOING TO GET REVENGE! WITH! [Boss Baby and Tim scream, then Francis Francis flips the page to reveal a small white puppy with black ears and big green eyes; gleefully] The Forever Puppy.

Tim

Huh?

That's it?

Francis Francis

No, no. Imagine a puppy that never grows up. A puppy that stays a puppy forever. Once I launch my Forever Puppies to every corner of the world, they'll be so adorable...

How cute!

Francis Francis

...no one will ever want a baby ever, ever again! The end... of Baby Corp! [He does a maniacal laugh as he attempts to close the book, but the pages fold out so much that it does not close, so he angrily tosses it into a nearby fireplace]

Oh, please. A puppy that never grows up? That's impossible! [after brief silence] Isn't it?

Francis Francis

Oh, it was, until you brought me the key ingredient!

My secret formula.

Francis Francis

IT'S MINE! IT'S MINE! It's all mine.

No!

Francis Francis

You brought me the very thing I needed to destroy Baby Corp!

No!

Francis Francis

Yes! [laughs] You walked right into my trap!

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS!

Tim

Yeah, not if we-

Francis Francis

What? Tell? Who are you gonna tell, Tim? Your parents?

Where are the boys?

I told them to stay in the Puppy Zone.

Francis Francis

I'm taking them both with me to Las Vegas. So, stay out of my way. [crushes a cookie] I'd hate for them to get... terminated.

Tim

Ha! They'd never leave us alone!

Francis Francis

Oh, really? [snaps fingers, prompting Eugene to change from his business attire to that of a Mary Poppins-like nanny] Wait until they meet Puppy Co.'s certified in-house childcare expert.

Ah!

Eugene

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh no.

Hello! This is Captain Ross! Ladies and gentlemen, and those in coach, please fasten your seat belts. We are about to take off.

Francis Francis

Hey! What are you doing here?

Tim

Mom! Dad!

Francis Francis

What are they doing here?

What are Tim and the baby doing here?

Francis Francis

What are any of us doing here, really?

What is going on in here? [Janice: Hey!]

Tim

He's got my parents!

Francis Francis

We're really here to get them, get them up, get the Forever Puppy!

We have got to get backstage!

Tim

In there!

Forget about the baby, forget about the baby.

Hey, what's all the racket?

Tim

Aw! Isn't he adorable?

Oh, I've got one for you, too! Ahoy, matey!

Ooh.

Tim

What?

Bummer!