Lydia
Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
Adam
We're ghosts!
Lydia
What do you look like under there?
Adam
Aren't you scared?
Lydia
I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Adam
Night of the what?
Lydia
Living Dead. It's a movie.
Barbara
You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
Adam
You can see us without the sheets?
Lydia
Of course I can see you.
Adam
Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Lydia
Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
Barbara
You look like a regular girl to me.
Adam
You've read our book?
Lydia
Yeah.
Adam
You can follow it?
Lydia
Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
Adam
We were trying to scare your mother.
Lydia
Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Adam
For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice
[refined voice]
Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified?
Adam
Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?
Beetlejuice
Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?
Beetlejuice
(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream) [back to normal]
You like it?
Barbara
[about the whorehouse (Dante's Inferno) in the model]
Adam, why did you build that?
Adam
I didn't.
Juno
[Adam and Barbara return to Juno's office in the Neitherworld, where Juno is talking to a team of dead football players] [to the football players]
Will you guys shut up and leave me alone? I've got all this paperwork to do. [to the Maitlands] You two, come in. Sit down. Get in here, both of ya! The whorehouse was my idea. I want Beetlejuice out of the picture! You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the Handbook!
Adam
When?
Juno
[rolls her eyes]
Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
DF Dumb Football Player
Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?
Juno
I'm not your coach! He survived.
VD Very Dumb Football Player
Wait, Coach. Let me get somethin’ straight. What's our curfew around here?
Juno
Will you get outta here?! Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are ya kidding? Can't you read signs? [to Adam and Barbara] I’ll be right back.
DF Dumb Football Player
[They come back into the office later]
Coach?
Juno
What?
DF Dumb Football Player
I don't think we survived that crash.
Juno
How did ya guess?
