Barbara, I don't think we survived that crash.
Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice"
Michael Keaton · 17 quotes
Lydia Deetz
Winona Ryder · 11 quotes
Adam Maitland
Alec Baldwin · 5 quotes
Barbara Maitland
Geena Davis · 4 quotes
Delia Deetz
Catherine O'Hara · 3 quotes
Juno
Sylvia Sidney · 3 quotes
Otho Fenlock
Glenn Shadix · 2 quotes
Most scenes together: Lydia Deetz & Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice" (2), Lydia Deetz & Delia Deetz (2), Adam Maitland & Barbara Maitland (2)
Beetlejuice quotes
Page 1 of 3I didn't.
[Adam and Barbara return to Juno's office in the Neitherworld, where Juno is talking to a team of dead football players] [to the football players]
Will you guys shut up and leave me alone? I've got all this paperwork to do. [to the Maitlands] You two, come in. Sit down. Get in here, both of ya! The whorehouse was my idea. I want Beetlejuice out of the picture! You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the Handbook!
When?
[rolls her eyes]
Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
Dumb Football Player
Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?
I'm not your coach! He survived.
Very Dumb Football Player
Wait, Coach. Let me get somethin’ straight. What's our curfew around here?
Will you get outta here?! Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are ya kidding? Can't you read signs? [to Adam and Barbara] I’ll be right back.
Dumb Football Player
[They come back into the office later]
Coach?
What?
Dumb Football Player
I don't think we survived that crash.
How did ya guess?
Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Beetlejuice
[laying on a lounge chair on the balcony of Dante's Inferno]
Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
Beetlejuice
No, I mean they're gone, split, outta here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Are you a ghost too?
Beetlejuice
I'm the ghost with the most, babe. [gets up from his lounge chair] Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get outta here, y'know, 'cause I gotta tell ya: this dead thing is- [picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and it's the kinda thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering...could you help me get outta here?
Beetlejuice
[confused]
Why?...Y'know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out', over there, then maybe we could talk or somethin'. But y'know, in order to do that, you gotta say my name 3 times.
Okay. What is your name?
Beetlejuice
I can't tell ya. [considers] You play Charades?
Yeah. All right: two words.
Beetle
Yo. [disappears]
A… "Beetle"?
Beetlejuice
[shows her a jug of orange juice]
Orange juice, beetle breakfast, orange beetle, beetle… juice?
Beetlejuice
Aha!
Your name's "Beetle Juice"?
For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?
[refined voice]
Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified?
Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?
Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?
(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream) [back to normal]
You like it?
Charles Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Go help your mother.
Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?
I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?
Charles Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.
My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.
So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
Dumb Football Player #1
Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?
I'm not your coach! He survived.
Dumb Football Player #2
Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
Dumbest Football Player
[they come back into the office later]
Coach?
What?
Dumbest Football Player
I don't think we survived that crash.
How did you guess?
What's wrong?
We're very unhappy.
What did you expect? You're dead.
They don't wanna come down.
Charles...
Why not?
I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
We're ghosts!
What do you look like under there?
Aren't you scared?
I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
Night of the what?
Living Dead. It's a movie.
You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
You can see us without the sheets?
Of course I can see you.
Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.
You look like a regular girl to me.
You've read our book?
Yeah.
You can follow it?
Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
We were trying to scare your mother.
Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.
Are you a ghost too?
I'm a ghost with the most, babe. [Gets up from his lounge chair] Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, 'cause I gotta tell you: this dead thing is- [Picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and but it's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering could you help me get out of here?
[last lines; talking to a witch doctor]
Pardon me. [referring to Harry the Hunter] Did you do that? Nice work. Lemme ask you somethin'. How do you get 'em so small? [Distracting the witch doctor] There goes Elvis! Yo, King! [witch doctor looks away, he switches his ticket with witch doctor's] Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. (