Michael Keaton movie quotes

View Quote [to Ethel during dinner] I want a divorce.

View Quote A couple of Illinois boys. Made good. Only in America. Only in America. Only in America!

View Quote McDonald's... is... family. Isn't that great? You know what I see when I see that? Family. We're one big family. Aren't we? We have mouths to feed. That's a family.

View Quote I swear on my dead mother's soul.

View Quote Bob, you and the boys stand guard. Nobody gets through.

View Quote What the (bleep)?

View Quote [reading obituary] Ooh-la-la, what have we got here? The Maitlands. [laughs] Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too! [more laughing]

View Quote Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.

View Quote [after his head spins] Don't you hate it when that happens?

View Quote What if you mix the mayonnaise in the can, WITH the tunafish? Or... hold it! Chuck! I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish, and FEED 'em mayonnaise! Oh this is great. [speaks into tape recorder] Call Starkist!

View Quote Wanna know why I carry this tape recorder? To tape things. See, I'm an idea man, Chuck. I got ideas coming at me all day... I couldn't even fight 'em off if I wanted. Wait a second... hold the phone! Hold the phone! [speaking into tape recorder] Idea to eliminate garbage. Edible paper. You eat it, it's gone! You eat it, it's outta there! No more garbage!

View Quote So there I was at the Blackjack table with all my wash 'n' dries... did I tell you I had they idea for them first?

View Quote [Trying to get Kenny to give up his security blanket] I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they're great... and they are, they are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads Ken. That's serious.

View Quote Honey if you call and I'm not home I'll be at the gym or the gun club.

View Quote [to Jinx] You yell at my kid like that again, I'm knockin' you out!

View Quote [to the Japanese executives before starting his sales pitch] I'm just crazy for your country. I mean, I love it. You know, my Dad was over here with the Army in about, uh, ...1945, uh, let's get started.

View Quote Now on these last few we might need to cut a few corners. Just little things, like...engines.

View Quote [in a conference room in Japan] Hey, did you guys decorate this place yourselves? Because it's damn nice. It's real... Oriental.

View Quote I'm nothing. I'm not even here.

View Quote [as Birdman] How did we end up here? This place is horrible. Smells like balls.

View Quote [as Birdman] That's what I'm talking about. Bones rattling! Big, loud, fast! Look at these people, at their eyes... they're sparkling. They love this shit. They love blood. They love action. Not this talky, depressing, philosophical bullshit. Yes. And the next time you screech, it'll explode into millions of eardrums. You'll glimmer on thousands of screens around the globe. Another blockbuster. You are a god. See? There you go, you mother****er. Gravity doesn't even apply to you. Wait till you see the faces of those who thought we were finished. Listen to me. Let's go back one more time and show them what we're capable of. We have to end it on our own terms... with a grand gesture. Flames. Sacrifice. Icarus. You can do it. You hear me? You are... Birdman!

View Quote Monarch: I've got flying cops, I've got files in the ointment, I got CHP in the air all over the course, You add cops to the race and people get... Racers should race, cops should eat donuts!

View Quote Monarch: The Elemento just filcked the P1 into a roll, We're down to Tobey Marshall and Dino Brewster. This ain't just about racing.

View Quote Monarch: Tobey Marshall just let the Elemento get by him. That kid better wake up. Wake up, Tobey! Wake up and smell that $2 million dollar Lambo in your pocket.

View Quote (responding to Alfred's comment about "security" when repairing the Batmobile) Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working. I turn around, there she is. (sarcasticallly) "Oh, hi Vick. Come on in!"

View Quote (to Catwoman after she says she hasn't eaten all day) Eat floor. (throws her down) High fiber.

View Quote (last words in the film) Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.

View Quote You want thunder? You want Thunder!? Ka-chicka! Ka-chicka! Ka– chicka!

View Quote McQueen, seriously, that was some pretty darn nice racing out there...BY ME! Welcome to the Chick Era, baby!

View Quote The Piston Cup? I'ts mine, dude.

View Quote So, who's ready for Ken's dream tour?

View Quote [Lotso's gang hangs out inside a vending machine]
Ken: Hey, what do you guys think of the new recruits? Any keepers?
Stretch: Oh, please. Landfill? [laughs]
Ken: Cowgirl? Dinosaur?
Twitch: Toddler fodder.
Ken: What about that space guy? He could be useful.
Chunk: He ain't the sharpest knife in the place where they keep the knives.
Sparks: Neither are you, Chunk. [they all laugh again]
Twitch: You got a little keeper yourself, didn't ya, Ken?
Ken: Hey, lay off, Twitch. Barbie's different.
Stretch: Aww, Mr. Softy over here.
Chunk: What do you expect from a girl's toy?
Ken: I'm not a girl's toy! I'm not! Why do you guys keep saying that?
Twitch: Ah, all them toys are disposable. We'll be lucky if they last us a week.

View Quote Lotso: Ken? New toys!
Ken: Far out! Down in a jiff, Lotso. [goes down the elevator] So, who's ready for Ken's dream tour?
Lotso: Let's show our new friends where they'll be staying!
Ken: Uh, folks, if you'll just want to step right this way... [he sees Barbie] Hi, I'm Ken.
Barbie: Barbie. Have we ever met?
Ken: I would have remembered. [she laughs] Love your leg wamers!
Barbie: Nice ascot!
Lotso: Come on, Ken, recess don't last forever.
Ken: Right on, Lotso. This way everybody.
Lotso: Got a lot to look forward to, folks. The little ones love new toys.
Buzz: What a nice bear!
Rex: And he smells like strawberries.
Woody: Ugh.

View Quote We got two stories here: a story about degenerate clergy, and a story about a bunch of lawyers turning child abuse into a cottage industry. Which story do you want us to write? Because we're writing one of them.

View Quote This is how it happens, isn't it Pete? Guy leans on a guy. And suddenly the whole town just looks the other way.

View Quote Mike Rezendes: Six percent is 90.
Walter 'Robby' Robinson: 90 priests?
Ben Bradlee Jr.: If there were 90 of these bastards, people would know.
Mike Rezendes: Maybe they do.

View Quote [to Max Medici] You have something very rare. You have wonder. You have mastiff. You have... nature. Come with me, and will takeover all earths mightiest winds.

View Quote [as he sees Dumbo flying] Just when I thought I'd seen everything.

View Quote [to Max Medici] You have something very rare! You have wonder! You have mystique! You have... nature! Come with me! Together, we can soar on that elephant’s wings!

View Quote Senator Hubert Dreyfuss: I don't care how sophisticated these machines are, Mr. Sellers. A machine does not know what it feels like to be human. It can't understand the value of human life. Why should it be allowed to take one? To legislate over life and death, we need people who understand right from wrong. What do your machines feel?
Raymond Sellars: Well, they feel no anger. They feel no prejudice. They feel no fatigue, which makes them ideal for law enforcement. Putting these machines on the streets will save countless American lives.
Dreyfuss: You're evading the question.
Sellars: No, I'm not.
Dreyfuss: Yes, you're evading the question. I asked what do these machines feel? If one of them killed a child, what would it feel?
Sellars: Nothing.
Dreyfuss: And that's the problem. That's why 72% of Americans won't stand for a robot pulling the trigger.

View Quote Raymond Sellars: We need to give Americans a product they can love, a figure they can rally behind.
Liz Kline: Sir, I have dissected this bill. There are no loopholes. We can't put a machine on the streets.
Sellars: Forget machines. You saw the polls. Americans don't want a machine. They want a product with a conscience. They want something that knows what it feels like to be human. We're gonna put a man inside a machine.

View Quote [a badly-damaged RoboCop chases Sellars to the OmniCorp HQ rooftop helipad, with his family held hostage]
RoboCop: Clara, take David and get out of the way now! [they step away] Raymond Sellars, you're under arrest for the attempted murder of a police officer.
Raymond Sellars: Are you here to cuff me? All right. Go 'head, cuff me. You can't. You're not programmed that way. If you go against the program, the entire system shuts down, so.
Liz Kline: You don't even have a warrant. We'll overlook this little...
RoboCop: Get down on the ground and put your hands behind your back.
Tom Pope: I'm just from marketing.
RoboCop: Now!
Pope: Ok, yep, yep, yep Yep [lies prone together with Kline]
Sellars: Alex, we need to work together here, because I'm the only one with the technology to keep you alive.
RoboCop: Dead or alive, you're coming with me. [forced to crouch down]
Sellars: All right. [to security guard] Weapon. Alex, honestly, I mean you no harm. If I wanted to, I could have killed you a long time ago. I just aim this right at your head and blow it off.
Clara Murphy: Sellars, please! Don't!
Sellars: [as Alex struggles to aim his weapon because of the security protocols] I mean, if I wanted to, I could just aim this [points weapon at Clara and David] at your little family and I could just kill them too. And really, there's nothing you could do about it because, let's face it, you're a robot. Do you understand that? [sees Alex preparing to fire at him] Alex.
[Both Sellars and Alex shoot, and Sellars is killed instantly]

View Quote (to the Bed Bath & Beyond staff) First things first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs.

View Quote Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here, and I got another job at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Okay? I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay. Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit. I'm just gonna ask you guys. Please, come on. Really. Just think about it. Just be smart.

View Quote Gamble: You're mad at us, huh, Gene?
Mauch: First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.
Mauch: Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?
Gamble: Sure.
Mauch: All right. Well, What did you do? What'd you do about it?
Gamble: The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.
Mauch: It's just "Captain." Just "Captain." It's not "Captain Gene." I don't have a kiddie show. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene."

View Quote When the Mets lose, they just lose. It's a flat feeling. But the Red Sox - here we have a rich history of interesting ways to lose a crucial game. Defeats that keep you awake, that pound in your head like the hammer of fate. You can analyse a Red Sox defeat day and night for a month and still uncover layers of complex feelings. Feelings you didn't know you were capable of. The pain is a memory all of it's own.