Most scenes together: Detective Allen Gamble & Detective Terry Hoitz (12), Detective Allen Gamble & David Ershon (3), Detective Terry Hoitz & David Ershon (2)
The Other Guys quotes
Page 1 of 4First things first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs.
Officer Hoitz? [The other officers groan] Would you like to share?
No, I’d rather not.
Officer Hoitz, you’ve been coming here for six months now and you haven’t said a word. This is a safe room, no judgement here.
Jimmy Douchebag.
That’s judgment, Jimmy. Come on.
I relive it every night. Bronx, October. Game 7 of the World Series. All-the-marbles, high pressure, unruly crowd and I pulled tunnel duty. I saw a shadowy figure in the tunnel; I told him to stop...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is a restricted area!
Don’t make me shoot, I’ll do it! [pulls the trigger and shoots a man in the leg] Are you deaf? Did you hear me yell freeze!?
You dick! I’m Derek Jeter, you shot me!
You cost me twenty grand on that game!
Officer #2 Douchebag!
I cost the city a championship. I was being groomed for a top position in Homicide and now I’m stuck with a desk-jockey partner, and everybody calls the “The Yankee Clipper”.
Jimmy Because you shot Derek Jeter!
He’s a biracial angel!
You should’ve shot A-Rod!
Danson Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof?
I think you can chalk that up to bad lifestyle choices.
Hey, Douglas. How's the wife?
Douglas She died.
Attaboy!
You could let me go, and i'll give you ten million dollars each. It's not a bribe.
Of course it's a bribe! You're offering to pay us money to not do our job.
Excuse me, but you're under arrest, okay?
What?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can be used, umm [to Hoitz] What's the next part?
As a floatation device.
As a floatation device. You know what? That's very funny. I've never Miranda-ed anyone before.
Really?
Are you guys for real? Am I being Punk'd?
You're mad at us, huh, Gene?
First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.
Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?
Sure.
All right. Well, What did you do? What'd you do about it?
The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.
It's just "Captain." Just "Captain." It's not "Captain Gene." I don't have a kiddie show. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene."
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin' partner?
Danson Aim for the bushes? [Highsmith nods, they fist bump, then both jump to their deaths]
Alan, listen to me. Danson and Highsmith are gone. Their desks are empty. Someone has to fill those seats. That someone is us, okay? This city's dying for a hero.
Is it?
Yeah.
What about nine million socially-conscious and unified citizens, all just stepping up and doing their part?
As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers?
I'll tell you what I did as a little kid. I went to school and made my bed. And at age 11, I audited my parents. And believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
What the hell are you?
Let's hear it from the top, every detail.
I think the best way to tell this story is by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning; then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout. Just to, you know, give it a bit of dynamism . Otherwise it's just sort of a linear story (makes yawning gesture)
Just tell us what happened!
I lost a bunch of money for some people and now they want it back.
Well, Christine, this is a lovely house.
Christinith It's Christinith. Are you stupid or are you deaf?!
Hal Christinith!! You idiot! You come to our house, you get my wife's name right!
What?
Hal Christinith!!
What the hell is this?
It's my car. It's a Prius.
I literally feel like I'm driving around in a vagina.
You feel that, Allen? Huh? That tingling in your balls? Big metal butterflies fluttering around your stomach?
Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?
You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives, and I was about to start bad mouthing you behind your back, but I stopped myself, because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.
Wow, I actually appreciate that.
Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.
No. You don't have to.
No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.
Hmm.
If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion, and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.
Yeah?
And said, "You know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring...
How you gonna do that?
We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. [goes back to typing] Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope. [Hoitz throws Gamble's hot coffee on his shirt]