Batman/Bruce Wayne (to Catwoman after she says she hasn't eaten all day)
Eat floor. (throws her down) High fiber.
3rd most-quoted character in Batman Returns (1992): in 7 of its 47 quotes
Most scenes with: Catwoman/Selina Kyle (2)
Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working. I turn around, there she is. (sarcasticallly) "Oh, hi Vick. Come on in!"
More lines from Batman/Bruce Wayne
3 quotes Batman/Bruce Wayne Batman/Bruce Wayne (last words in the film)
Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.
Batman/Bruce Wayne (When the Batmobile doesn't compact like it should)
Alright, now I'm a little worried.
Scenes with Batman/Bruce Wayne
3 scenes
[Max gasps, as if about to comment on Penguin's appearance]
I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! [pause] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
Max [to himself]
My god, it's true. The Penguin-Man of the sewer...
[The Penguin goes through umbrellas concealing various weapons]
Odd as it may seem, Max... you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But, somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
Max [regains confidence]
Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman. Tough, yes, shrewd, okay, but that doesn't make me a monster--
[Penguin loosens an umbrella featuring a hypnotic spiral. He then spins it, making the spiral twirl.]
Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I know all about you. What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?!
Max [regarding the umbrella]
Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
No. Just give you a splitting headache!
Max Well it's not working--
[Penguin "fires" the umbrella at Max with a deafening gunshot; Max reels back in alarm] [cackles]
You big baby! Just blanks. I mean, seriously - would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you? No, Max. I have an entirely other purpose. [turns solomn and sad] Thing is... I've been lingering down here too long. It's high time for me to ascend. To re-emerge... with your help, your know-how, your savvy. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from...
[He indicates a hole up to the surface]
Like you. And, like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all... I want to find out who I really am. By finding my parents. Learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
Max [skeptical]
And exactly why am I gonna help you?
[He gropes inside, and takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out onto a slab of stone. It hisses and dissovles part of it on contact.]
First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
Max [not worried]
That could've come from anywhere.
What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Max If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
[He next gets out some paper - shredded and stuck back together]
... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
Max [rattled]
Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
[He reaches into the stocking again - and pulls out a severed hand] [scarily cheerful voice]
"HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal, dangerous] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
Max [Max considers briefly]
You know what, Mr... Penguin, sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
Selina Kyle
[He shakes Max's hand - using Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]
Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
Max Actually, it's a lot like that.
Catwoman
You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
Batman I tried to save you.
Catwoman
Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
Catwoman
Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
Batman Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman
But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
Batman You might be right.
Josh There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
Josh (to himself, confused)
Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)
[After escaping from a mob, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
My babies... they missed me...
Henchman
Great speech, Oswald--
[knocks him aside]
MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!!!!!!
one of Penguin's men
I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Batman Things change.
Did somebody say Fish? I haven't been fed this morning.
Batman Eat floor. It'll be good for you; high in fiber.
Max Shreck [Bruce Wayne has come to Max Shreck's fancy-dress Christmas ball without a costume]
Ingenious costume, let me guess. Trust-fund goody-goody.
Bruce Wayne Feeling good, huh? Yeah, well, you almost made a monster of the Mayor of Gotham City.
Shreck
I am the light of this city...and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's Mayor?
Wayne It does to me.
Shreck
Yawn.
Other characters in Batman Returns
More Michael Keaton characters
Ray Kroc
Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice"
Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice"
Batman/Bruce Wayne
Bill Blazejowski
Jack Butler
Johnny Dangerously
Hunt Stevenson