Most-quoted character in Batman Returns (1992): in 24 of its 47 quotes
A line from The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot [addressing his penguin army]My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably, and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Odd as it may seem, Max, you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot I just want to know... why they did what they felt they had to do... to a child who was born... a little different. A child... who spent his first Christmas - and many since - in a sewer...
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot A penguin is a bird that cannot fly! I am a man. I have a name. [pauses, reluctant to accept it] ... Oswald Cobblepot!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two! But it's human nature to fear the unusual. [After visiting his parents' grave]
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot I saw her first. Gotta fly!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by, helpless AS a baby, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle-scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Just the pussy I've been looking for.
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Why should I trust some Cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot You're beauty and the beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched pinhead puppets of Gotham!... You gotta admit, I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Why is it that someone always brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Right now, my troops are fanning out across town, for your children! Yes - for your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless at home, so you could get juiced on Max's Shreggnog, and dress up like jerks, and dance, badly!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot You're just jealous 'cause I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot But what it all comes down to is, who's holding the umbrella?!
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot AUGH! SHIT! I PICKED THE CUTE ONE... UGH, AGHH!... This heat's gettin' to me... AUGH... I'll murder you momentarily... [chokes] But first... I need a cold drink of iced water... [falls over gurgling and choking, dead]
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot I believe the word you're looking for is 'Aaaaaaaaaah!!!'.
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot Ya lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals! And I don't think I like you anymore! [catches her neck in his helicopter umbrella and sends her flying] Goodbye, my unintended. Go to Heaven.
Penguin Hi.
Penguin I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! [pause] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
Max My god, it's true. The Penguin-Man of the sewer...
Penguin Odd as it may seem, Max... you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But, somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
Max Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman. Tough, yes, shrewd, okay, but that doesn't make me a monster--
Penguin Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I know all about you. What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?!
Max Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
Penguin No. Just give you a splitting headache!
Max Well it's not working--
Penguin You big baby! Just blanks. I mean, seriously - would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you? No, Max. I have an entirely other purpose. [turns solomn and sad] Thing is... I've been lingering down here too long. It's high time for me to ascend. To re-emerge... with your help, your know-how, your savvy. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from...
Penguin Like you. And, like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all... I want to find out who I really am. By finding my parents. Learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
Max And exactly why am I gonna help you?
Penguin Ah, what have we here?...
Penguin First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
Max That could've come from anywhere.
Penguin What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Max If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
Penguin Good idea...
Penguin ... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
Max Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
Penguin "Good"...
Penguin "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal, dangerous] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
Max You know what, Mr... Penguin, sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
Penguin You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
Max Actually, it's a lot like that.
You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
I tried to save you.
Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Penguin Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
Penguin You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
You might be right.
Josh There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
Penguin It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
Josh Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)
Penguin My babies... they missed me...
Great speech, Oswald--
Penguin MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!!!!!!
I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
Penguin No! IT'S A LOT! (kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river)
Penguin You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Things change.
