Ice Princess The tree lights up and then I push the button. No, no, wait, wait! I press the button and then the tree lights up, I press the button and then the tree lights up...
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot
Danny DeVito · 24 quotes
Catwoman/Selina Kyle
Michelle Pfeiffer · 17 quotes
Batman/Bruce Wayne
Michael Keaton · 7 quotes
Most scenes together: Catwoman/Selina Kyle & Batman/Bruce Wayne (2)
Batman Returns quotes
Page 1 of 4 Ice Princess Did somebody say Fish? I haven't been fed this morning.
Eat floor. It'll be good for you; high in fiber.
Max Shreck [Bruce Wayne has come to Max Shreck's fancy-dress Christmas ball without a costume]
Ingenious costume, let me guess. Trust-fund goody-goody.
Feeling good, huh? Yeah, well, you almost made a monster of the Mayor of Gotham City.
Shreck
I am the light of this city...and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's Mayor?
It does to me.
Shreck
Yawn.
Alfred Pennyworth
[Last lines; after Selina Kyle's apparent death] [driving home]
Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
[sadly]
Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men...and women.
[As they leave, the Bat-Signal appears in sky, which is then seen by Catwoman]
[Max gasps, as if about to comment on Penguin's appearance]
I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! [pause] Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
Max [to himself]
My god, it's true. The Penguin-Man of the sewer...
[The Penguin goes through umbrellas concealing various weapons]
Odd as it may seem, Max... you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But, somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
Max [regains confidence]
Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman. Tough, yes, shrewd, okay, but that doesn't make me a monster--
[Penguin loosens an umbrella featuring a hypnotic spiral. He then spins it, making the spiral twirl.]
Don't embarrass yourself, Max. I know all about you. What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?!
Max [regarding the umbrella]
Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
No. Just give you a splitting headache!
Max Well it's not working--
[Penguin "fires" the umbrella at Max with a deafening gunshot; Max reels back in alarm] [cackles]
You big baby! Just blanks. I mean, seriously - would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you? No, Max. I have an entirely other purpose. [turns solomn and sad] Thing is... I've been lingering down here too long. It's high time for me to ascend. To re-emerge... with your help, your know-how, your savvy. I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from...
[He indicates a hole up to the surface]
Like you. And, like you, I want some respect! A recognition of my basic humanity! But most of all... I want to find out who I really am. By finding my parents. Learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
Max [skeptical]
And exactly why am I gonna help you?
[He gropes inside, and takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out onto a slab of stone. It hisses and dissovles part of it on contact.]
First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
Max [not worried]
That could've come from anywhere.
What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
Max If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
[He next gets out some paper - shredded and stuck back together]
... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
Max [rattled]
Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
[He reaches into the stocking again - and pulls out a severed hand] [scarily cheerful voice]
"HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal, dangerous] Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.
Max [Max considers briefly]
You know what, Mr... Penguin, sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
Selina Kyle
[He shakes Max's hand - using Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]
Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
Max Actually, it's a lot like that.
Catwoman
You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
I tried to save you.
Catwoman
Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
Catwoman
Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
Catwoman
But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
You might be right.
Josh There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
Josh (to himself, confused)
Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)
[After escaping from a mob, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
My babies... they missed me...
Henchman
Great speech, Oswald--
[knocks him aside]
MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!!!!!!
one of Penguin's men
I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
You don't really think you'll win, do you?
Things change.
(last words in the film)
Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.
(responding to Alfred's comment about "security" when repairing the Batmobile)
Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working. I turn around, there she is. (sarcasticallly) "Oh, hi Vick. Come on in!"
(to Catwoman after she says she hasn't eaten all day)
Eat floor. (throws her down) High fiber.
(When the Batmobile doesn't compact like it should)
Alright, now I'm a little worried.
[about his parents]
I just want to know... why they did what they felt they had to do... to a child who was born... a little different. A child... who spent his first Christmas - and many since - in a sewer...
[addressing his penguin army]
My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!
[after a failed attempt to kill Batman]
He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!
[after Catwoman rejects him]
Ya lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals! And I don't think I like you anymore! [catches her neck in his helicopter umbrella and sends her flying] Goodbye, my unintended. Go to Heaven.
[fighting Batman]
You're just jealous 'cause I'm a genuine freak, and you have to wear a mask!
[Poisoned by toxic waste after falling into the sewer water, he aims an umbrella (normally armed with a gun) at Batman, only to reveal a child-entertainer one]
AUGH! SHIT! I PICKED THE CUTE ONE... UGH, AGHH!... This heat's gettin' to me... AUGH... I'll murder you momentarily... [chokes] But first... I need a cold drink of iced water... [falls over gurgling and choking, dead]