David Koechner movie quotes

View Quote I will smash your face into a car windshield then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

View Quote "[describing the morning after big party]"i woke up this s'morning and i shit a squirrel, literally... the hell of it is, the damn things still alive, now i got this, shit covered squirrel down there in the office, don't know what to name it..."

View Quote [describing Veronica] Oooh, she has got a big ole' behind! I mean, I'd like to slap some barbecue sauce on that big ol' butt and just uh burr burr burr burr burrrr. OOwwwwooooo!!!!

View Quote Dag: What, do you wanna be a hero, cow?

View Quote Dag: What, do you wanna be a hero, cow? [Otis dodges the coyotes' attacks, snarls then thinks for a moment] Hey, you're Ben's kid. Otis, right? So, they left you in charge. [snickers] Oh, that's precious. [laughs then refers to Ben] You thought you could fill his shoes? [Otis sulks briefly] Otis, where were you? Were ya off havin' fun, laughin' with your barnyard buddies? Yeah, you coulda made a difference had you been there for him. But you weren't, were ya? [Otis begins to despair] Okay, from here on out, this is the way it's gonna work. We show up, you look the other way. A few animals missing here and there. Hey, it's the natural order of things. It'll be our little secret. [winks] Oh, and, Ben's kid, if you should think about getting a sudden burst of courage... [snarls] ...we slaughter every animal in sight. Now you go back, make everyone feel all safe, and we'll be seeing you tomorrow night. That's a date. [snarls at Otis in the face] See you around. [laughs] "Round"? You're fat. [laughs again, then runs off and the other coyotes follow]

View Quote Dag: [grabs a hen and shushes her, turns around] Good evening, ladies. Sorry to call on you so late in the evening, but we did have a previous engagement. [laughs evilly and takes out a chicken feet keychains] Now we're gonna take 6 of you. Anyone makes a sound, we don't mind the extra company. [turns to his coyotes] Boys, take your pick.
Etta: You won't be taking any hens tonight.
Dag: [growls at Etta] And you're gonna stop us? Hmm? Is that what's gonna happen? Are you gonna stop us, hen? How are you gonna do that, huh? [laughs evilly]
Etta: No. He is. [points at Ben]
Dag: [turns his head to find Ben] Ben. How are you, Ben? Yeah, we would've said hello had we seen ya.
Ben: Put the hen down, Dag.
Dag: Sure, Ben. Whatever you say. We're just doing a little courting, that's all. You know how much we like the hens. [laughs evilly] You know me, ladykiller. You have us at a bit of a disadvantage here, Ben. [the coyotes gather] There's 6 of us and only 1 old fat you.

View Quote And remember: the difference between ordinary and extraordinary... is that little something extra. Alright, that's all I have for you. Have a great shift. Oh, and, uh, push the fish, it's about to turn.

View Quote Okay, Nicholas, Theodore. Boys. It doesn't take ten minutes to take out the trash. Now, if you don't get your asses out front and start doing some work, I'm going to fire you faster than you can say, "Yo, MTV Raps"!

View Quote Ma'am, I don't doubt the steak was overcooked, but did you have to eat it all BEFORE you complained about it?

View Quote Champ Kind: down there in my office, don't know what to name it.

View Quote Champ Kind: I woke up this morning, and I shit a squirrel.

View Quote Champ Kind: The hell of it is, the thing was still alive.

View Quote They call bats, "Chicken of the cave."

View Quote I believe in two things: Chicken, and that the census is a way for the UN to make your children gay.

View Quote [Ron and Jack Lime's news teams prepare to fight] BBC Anchor: Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wank-orman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the BBC News Service! [BBC news team shouts]
Ron Burgundy: Oh, not now!
Jack Lime: [To his news team] Fall back, fall back.
[MTV news team rappels down]
Wesley Jackson: If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the MTV news crew want in!
Brian Fantana: What's "MTV"?
Ron Burgundy: I think it's a venereal disease.
Wesley Jackson: The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"! [MTV news team shouts]
[Entertainment News team arrives on a dune buggy]
Jill Jansen: It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...
Wendy Van Peel: And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.
BBC Anchor: Entertainment News is an abomination!
Wendy Van Peel: Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!
Jill Jansen: Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!
Brian Fantana: I like how they're put together.
Champ Kind: I like fighting girls.
Jill Jansen: I like to ****-punt cowboys.
Wendy Van Peel: You eat pussy?
Jill Jansen: You're gonna.
Scott Riles: HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team. [Canada News Team shouts]
Quebec News Anchor: What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Scott Riles: Give it a rest, eh?
Champ Kind: Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
Scott Riles: We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.
Quebec News Anchor: Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!
Scott Riles and Quebec News Anchor: Sorry!
Brick Tamland:...I like your ginger ale!
[ SportsCenter theme plays]
Jeff Bullington: Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!
Brian Fantana: Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
Ron Burgundy: It's true, the market has become saturated.
History Network Host: Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later! [History Network team shouts]
Ron Burgundy: Wait a minute, is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?
History Network Host: Yes, it is. And the mighty minotaur!
Jack Lime: Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!
Ron Burgundy: Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
Ghost of Stonewall Jackson: May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.
Mack Tannen: You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Ron Burgundy: Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!
Mack Tannen: Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
Champ Kind: He's on our side, right Ron?
[Tannen transforms into a werewolf]
Ron Burgundy: He's a were-hyena!
Wesley Jackson: I'm gonna call Michael Jackson, I got a video idea!
Ron Burgundy: Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!
Jill Jansen: [Quietly] I'm so horny right now.
Ron Burgundy: Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!
Scott Riles: C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?
Scott Riles and Quebec News anchor: Sorry.
Ron Burgundy: When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
El Trousias: I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song! [Blows her horn]
Jeff Bullington: El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!
El Trousias: [Finishes blowing her horn]...That means you can start.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, what the hell is that?
Brick Tamland: It's a gun...from the future.
Wesley Jackson: No fair, he has a gun from the future!
Ron Burgundy: Where did you get it from?
[Brick giggles]

View Quote Howard: We should have gone to stay with my brother!
Linda: Your brother lives in a barn!
Howard: Jesus was born in a barn!

View Quote Howard: You're not thinking of going after that snowplow alone, are you?
Tom: Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.

View Quote Jordan: We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!
Max: I don't know what you're talking about!
Stevie: [holds up Max's letter to Santa] Are you sure about that?
Beth: [Max tries to get his letter back and Beth stops him] Stop!
Stevie: [starts reading Max's letter] "Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you!" Oh, Maxi-Pad. That is so s...
Beth: [stops Max from getting his letter back] Stop, Max!
Stevie: Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxie's wishlist!
Beth: Stevie, stop! That's enough!
Stevie: Wait, you're up first, Beth! [reading the letter] "I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to. Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends." Oh no, really Max? "I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again. I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other." [Linda comes in] "Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda. So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year. And... and that..." [angrily facing Max] Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!
Sarah: [smilingly enters the dining room] Who wants crème brûlée?
Max: Give me the letter!
Tom: Hey! Max?
Howard: Alright, that's enough!
Tom: You okay? Honey!
Max: I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!
[angrily and tearfully runs up to his room]
Sarah: Max? Max!
Aunt Dorothy: Oh, lay off of him! Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!

View Quote Nick: [on Bobby's dessert: a piece of apple pie topped with a slice of cheese and an American flag] That's disgusting.
Bobby: It's American.
Polly: Can I have a bite?

View Quote Nick: What?
Bobby: I got a call from the paper.
Nick: Really? What they want?
Bobby: They wanted to correct spelling of my name and job title.
Polly: You didn't tell her about us, did you?
Nick: Who? … Heather? No! … I mean, maybe in passing.
Polly: In passing.
Bobby: Oh God, he **** her. I tried to warn you …
Polly: Hey, he didn't **** her. You didn't **** her, did you? … When?
Bobby: In passing.
Nick: Look, she's a really nice girl.
Bobby: Oh God, we're really ****.

View Quote [All voice-overs reading the newspaper article]
Nick: Nick Naylor, the lead spokesman for big tobacco, would have you believe he thinks cigarettes are harmless, but really he's doing it for the mortgage.
Polly: The "M.O.D. Squad"—meaning, of course, "Merchants of Death"—is comprised of Polly Bailey, of the Moderation Council, and Bobby Jay Bliss, of the gun business's own advisory group, S.A.F.E.T.Y.
Bobby: As explained by Naylor, the sole purpose of their meetings is to compete for the highest death toll as they compare strategies on how to dupe the American people.
Jeff: The film, Message from Sector Six, would emphasize the sex appeal of cigarettes in a way that only floating, nude, copulating Hollywood stars could.
Lorne: This did not stop Nick from bribing the dying man with a suitcase of cash to keep quiet on the subject of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.
Jill: Nick's own son, Joey Naylor, seems to be being groomed for the job as he joins his father on the majority of his trips.