Nick Naylor After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that he too could shoot college students.
Most-quoted character in Thank You for Smoking (2005): in 26 of its 40 quotes
Most scenes with: Joey (4), Jeff Megall (3), Polly (3)
Everyone's got a mortgage to pay. [inner monologue] The Yuppie Nuremberg defense.
More lines from Nick Naylor
11 quotes Nick Naylor Nick Naylor How many alcohol related deaths a year? 100,000? That's, what, 270 a day? Tragedy.
Nick Naylor I don't have an M.D. or Law degree. I have a bachelors in kicking ass and taking names.
Nick Naylor I front an organization that kills 1,200 people a day.
Nick Naylor The message Hollywood needs to send out is that smoking is cool. We can put the sex back into cigarettes.
Nick Naylor Michael Jordan plays ball. Charles Manson kills people. I talk. Everyone has a talent.
Nick Naylor The number 1 killer in America is cholesterol, and here comes Senator Finisterre who's clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont cheddar cheese.
Nick Naylor These days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath … or a European.
Nick Naylor You know that guy that can get any girl? I'm him … on crack.
Nick Naylor Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organization that kills one thousand two hundred human beings a day; 1200 people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women, and children. I mean there's Attila, Genghis, and me, Nick Naylor, the face of cigarettes, the Colonel Sanders of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-Span. These guys realized quick if they were going to claim cigarettes were not addictive, they better have proof. This is the man they rely on—Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany; I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for thirty years, and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius—he could disprove gravity. Then we got our sharks. We draft them out of Ivy League law, schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a John Grisham novel, well—you know—without all the espionage. Most importantly, we've got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk. I don't have an MD or law degree. I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him, on crack.
Nick Naylor In 1910, the US was producing ten billion cigarettes a year, by 1930 we were up to one hundred twenty three billion, what happened in between? Three things: a World War, Dieting and movies. [...] 1927, talking pictures are born. Suddenly directors need to give their actors something to do while they're talking. Cary Grant and Carole Lombard are lighting up, Bette Davis, a chimney, and Bogart, remember the first picture with him and Lauren Bacall? [...] She sort of shimmies in through the doorway. Nineteen years old. Pure sex. She says "Anyone got a match?" and Bogie throws the matches at her... and she catches them. Greatest romance in the century, how did it start? Lighting a cigarette. In these days, when someone smokes in the movies, they're either a psychopath... or an European. The message that Hollywood needs to send out is "Smoking is Cool!". We need the cast of, uh, Will & Grace smoking in their living room, Forrest Gump puffing away between his box of chocolates, Hugh Grant earning back the love of Julia Roberts by buying her favorite brand - her Virginia Slims. Most of the actors smoke already. If they start doing it on screen... We can put the sex back into cigarettes.
Scenes with Nick Naylor
14 scenes Nick Naylor I speak on behalf of cigarettes.
Child
My mommy says that cigarettes kill.
Nick Naylor Now, is your mommy a doctor?
Child
No.
Nick Naylor A scientific researcher of some kind?
Child
No.
Nick Naylor Now, she doesn't exactly sound like a credible expert now, does she?
Child
[sinks back into her chair]
Nick Naylor Now, what we need is a smoking role model, a real winner.
Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.
Nick Naylor Right, on two packs a day.
Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.
Nick Naylor Cigarettes in space?
It's the final frontier, Nick.
Nick Naylor But wouldn't they blow up in an all-oxygen environment?
[Long pause]
Probably. But, you know, it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue: "Thank God we created the, you know, whatever device."
What happens when you're wrong?
Nick Naylor See, Joey, that's the beauty of argument. When you argue correctly, you're never wrong.
Nick Naylor Jeff, when do you sleep?
Sunday.
Nick Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.
But you can't always be right.
Nick Well, if it's your job to be right, then you're never wrong.
But what if you are wrong?
Nick Okay, let's say that you're defending chocolate and I'm defending vanilla. Now, if I were to say to you, "Vanilla's the best flavor ice cream", you'd say …?
"No, chocolate is."
Nick Exactly. But you can't win that argument. So, I'll ask you: So you think chocolate is the end-all and be-all of ice cream, do you?
It's the best ice cream; I wouldn't order any other.
Nick Oh. So it's all chocolate for you, is it?
Yes, chocolate is all I need.
Nick Well, I need more than chocolate. And for that matter, I need more than vanilla. I believe that we need freedom and choice when it comes to our ice cream, and that, Joey Naylor, that is the definition of liberty.
But that's not what we're talking about.
Nick Ah, but that's what I'm talking about.
But … you didn't prove that vanilla's the best.
Nick I didn't have to. I proved that you're wrong, and if you're wrong, I'm right.
But you still didn't convince me.
Nick Because I'm not after you. I'm after them.
You're The Sultan of Spin!
Nick "The Sultan of Spin"?
Mom subscribes to Newsweek.
Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets?
Nick You're too young to understand.
Mom says it's because you have dependency issues and it was all just a matter of time before you threw it all away on some tramp.
Nick Well, that's one theory.
Heather Holloway [Nick and Heather are introducing themselves to each other]
Heather Holloway.
Nick Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco.
Heather Holloway (holds up tape recorder): Is this kosher?
Nick Only if I can call you Heather.
Heather Holloway By all means. So, Mr. Naylor …
Nick (interrupting): Nick.
Heather Holloway Nick. Let's start with …
Nick '82 Margaux.
Heather Holloway Okay. Is it good?
Nick "Good"? It'll make you believe in God.
Nick What?
I got a call from the paper.
Nick Really? What they want?
They wanted to correct spelling of my name and job title.
You didn't tell her about us, did you?
Nick Who? … Heather? No! … I mean, maybe in passing.
In passing.
Oh God, he **** her. I tried to warn you …
Hey, he didn't **** her. You didn't **** her, did you? … When?
In passing.
Nick Look, she's a really nice girl.
Oh God, we're really ****.
Nick Naylor I speak on behalf of cigarettes.
Child
My mommy says that cigarettes kill.
Nick Naylor Now, is your mommy a doctor?
Child
No.
Nick Naylor A scientific researcher of some kind?
Child
No.
Nick Naylor Now, she doesn't exactly sound like a credible expert now, does she?
Little girl sinks back into her chair
Nick Naylor Look at it this way. How many you want to be lawyers? Lawyers earn money to talk.
One little boy raises his hand
Nick Naylor OK, let me try this again. How many of you want to be movie stars?
Multiple children
Yes!
Nick Naylor Movie stars get paid to talk! That is what I do, I talk.
Nick [All voice-overs reading the newspaper article]
Nick Naylor, the lead spokesman for big tobacco, would have you believe he thinks cigarettes are harmless, but really he's doing it for the mortgage.
The "M.O.D. Squad"—meaning, of course, "Merchants of Death"—is comprised of Polly Bailey, of the Moderation Council, and Bobby Jay Bliss, of the gun business's own advisory group, S.A.F.E.T.Y.
As explained by Naylor, the sole purpose of their meetings is to compete for the highest death toll as they compare strategies on how to dupe the American people.
The film, Message from Sector Six, would emphasize the sex appeal of cigarettes in a way that only floating, nude, copulating Hollywood stars could.
Lorne This did not stop Nick from bribing the dying man with a suitcase of cash to keep quiet on the subject of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.
Jill Nick's own son, Joey Naylor, seems to be being groomed for the job as he joins his father on the majority of his trips.
Nick [on Bobby's dessert: a piece of apple pie topped with a slice of cheese and an American flag]
That's disgusting.
It's American.
Can I have a bite?
Please state your name, address, and current occupation.
Nick My name is Nick Naylor. I live at 6000 Massachusetts Avenue. I am currently unemployed but until recently I was the Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.
Mr. Naylor, as Vice President of the Academy of Tobacco Studies, what was required of you? What did you do?
Nick I informed the public of all the research performed in the investigation on the effects of tobacco.
And what, so far, has the Academy concluded in their investigation into the effects of tobacco?
Nick Well, many things actually. Why just the other day they uncovered evidence that smoking can offset Parkinson's disease.
I'm sure the health community is thrilled. Mr. Naylor, who provides the financial background for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?
Nick Conglomerated tobacco.
That's the cigarette companies.
Nick For the most part, yes.
Do you think that might affect their priorities?
Nick No. Just as, I'm sure, campaign contributions don't affect yours.
Audience laughs
Senator Lothridge Mr. Naylor is not here to testify on the goings on of the Academy of Tobacco Studies. We're here to examine the possibility of a warning label on cigarettes. Now, Mr. Naylor, I have to ask you out of formality, do you believe that smoking cigarettes, over time, can lead to lung cancer and lead to other respiratory conditions such as emphysema.
Nick Yes. In fact, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone who really believes that cigarettes are not potentially harmful. I mean -- show of hands -- Who out here thinks that cigarettes aren't dangerous?
Senator Dupree Mr. Naylor, there's no need for theatrics.
Nick I'm sorry. I just don't see the point in a warning label for something people already know.
Senator Dupree The warning symbol is a reminder, a reminder of the dangers of smoking cigarettes.
Nick Well, if we want to remind people of danger why don't we slap a skull and crossbones on all Boeing airplanes, Senator Lothridge. And all Fords, Senator Dupree.
That is ridiculous. The death toll from airline and automobile accidents doesn't even skim the surface cigarettes. They don't even compare.
Nick Oh, this from a Senator who calls Vermont home.
I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.
Nick Well, the real demonstrated #1 killer in America is cholesterol. And here comes Senator Finisterre whose fine state is, I regret to say, clogging the nation's arteries with Vermont cheddar cheese. If we want to talk numbers, how about the millions of people dying of heart attacks? Perhaps Vermont cheddar should come with a skull and crossbones.
That is lu-- The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!
Senator Lothridge Mr. Naylor, we are here to discuss cigarettes -- not planes, not cars -- cigarettes. Now as we discussed earlier these warning labels are not for those who know but rather for those who don't know. What about the children?
Nick Gentlemen, it's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette carton. It comes from our teachers, and more importantly our parents. It is the job of every parent to warn their children of all the dangers of the world, including cigarettes, so that one day when they get older they can choose for themselves. I look at my son who was kind enough to come with me today, and I can't help but think that I am responsible for his growth and his development. And I'm proud of that.
Well, having said that, would you condone him smoking?
Nick Well, of course not. He's not 18. That would be illegal.
Yes, I've heard you deliver that line on 20/20, but enough dancing. What are you going to do when he turns 18? C'mon, Mr. Naylor. On his 18th birthday will you share a cigarette with him? Will you spend a lovely afternoon -- like one of your ludicrous cigarette advertisements? You seem to have to have a lot to say about how we should raise our children. What of your own? What are you going to do when he turns 18?
Nick If he really wants a cigarette, I'll buy him his first pack.
Other characters in Thank You for Smoking
More Aaron Eckhart characters
Harvey Dent/ Two-Face
Dr. Josh Keyes
Adam Frankenstein
Benjamin Asher
Jeff Skiles
SSgt Michael Nantz