[Ron and Jack Lime's news teams prepare to fight]
Wait! Here's a headline for you: "Moronic Yank Wank-orman Gets a Bloody Good Hiding From Newsreader From a Superior Country." For we are the BBC News Service! [BBC news team shouts]
Oh, not now!
[To his news team]
Fall back, fall back.
[MTV news team rappels down]
If y'all gonna get down, then Wesley Jackson and the MTV news crew want in!
What's "MTV"?
I think it's a venereal disease.
The most requested video of the day: A new band called "Burgundy sucking chest wound"! [MTV news team shouts]
[Entertainment News team arrives on a dune buggy]
It wouldn't be a battle without Jill Jansen...
And Wendy Van Peel, from Entertainment News.
Entertainment News is an abomination!
Who are you wearing today? Oh, look, it's your own blood!
Today's celebrity birthdays: None. Today's celebrity deaths: All you dick-licks!
I like how they're put together.
I like fighting girls.
I like to ****-punt cowboys.
You eat pussy?
You're gonna.
HEEEEYYY! There's not gonna be any fight without Scott Riles and the incredibly polite Canadian News Team. [Canada News Team shouts]
What about the French-speaking Quebec News? The real voice of Canada!
Give it a rest, eh?
Give me a break! They can't have news. Nothing happens in Canada!
We're gonna mop the floor with ya! We're gonna put the boots to ya! Sorry.
Sorry. We're gonna gouge yer eyes out, and kick yer head in!
Sorry!
...I like your ginger ale!
[ SportsCenter theme plays]
Jeff Bullington, ESPN, all sports. Tonight's Play of the Day is me, extracting your spine from your dead body!
Holy shit, there's a lot of news!
It's true, the market has become saturated.
Hey! The History Network wants in on this. We're news too! Only news told much, much later! [History Network team shouts]
Wait a minute, is that the ghost of Stonewall Jackson with you?
Yes, it is. And the mighty minotaur!
Eh, I don't know about this, man. The minotaur isn't even history. It's mythology!
Hey, let's not downplay the fact that that's the ghost of Stonewall Jackson!
May the Lord anoint this hallowed field of battle.
You guys got room in this battle for an old war horse?
Mack Tannen? What are you doing here, you're too old for this!
Well, you see, there's the thing: When there's an early moon, I almost feel like a stallion again!
He's on our side, right Ron?
I'm gonna call Michael Jackson, I got a video idea!
Alright, everyone, listen up! By virtue of being on this battlefield, there is no return! People will die!
[Quietly]
I'm so horny right now.
Some will be disfigured! In some cases, lasting friendships will be made! And as usual: No touching of the hair and face!
C'mon! What do we look like, rookies?
Sorry.
When El Trousias, Maiden of the Clouds, blows the battle horn, let the battle begin!
I am El Trousias! Hear my sirens song! [Blows her horn]
El Trousias...the juiciest, hmm!
[Finishes blowing her horn]
...That means you can start.
Brick, what the hell is that?
It's a gun...from the future.
No fair, he has a gun from the future!
Where did you get it from?
[Brick giggles]
