Most scenes together: Derek Zoolander & Matilda (12), Derek Zoolander & Hansel (7), Hansel & Matilda (4)
So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh, ahh. I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize, "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"
And?
And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
Cool story Hansel.
Well, I guess you can Dere-lick my balls.
I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Fine.
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Well, you go first.
The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Mugatu!
Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as shit were!
But why male models?
Are you serious? I just told you.
You're dead to me Derek. You're deader to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Mer-man! [high-pitched cough] Mer-man!
I know! I turned left!
No, you saved the prime minister!
Oh, well, that's cool too.
I became...
What?
Bulimic.
... you can read minds?
I've been trying to reach you for a week.
A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
That was last Friday.
Uh, Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
So when did you know you wanted to be a model?
Hmm, I guess it would have to be the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking, "Wow, you're ridiculously good looking. Maybe you could do that for a career."
Do what?
Be professionally good looking.
What time is it?
Almost five.
What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys--
Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak-fest last night."
When I was in seventh grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Ew!
What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
Cool story, Hansel.
Thanks, Olaf.
What are they doing?
Guys, NO!
[Derek’s attempt is too late as a man lights a cigarette, causing the gasoline to ignite, killing his three best friends]
What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
Derek, it's just a small--
I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
