South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut 1999 quotes

As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, [shows a pie graph in which Terrance and Phillip have been allotted almost half] the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession!

What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?

**** Canada!

Hey, **** you, buddy!

Terrance and Phillip will not be released, they are going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.

The fuss is aboot taking our citizens! It's aboot not censoring our art! It's aboot-- [the American delegation begins to crack up] It's aboot-- [he scans the room] What's so Goddamn funny?!

N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?

This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity. [the American delegates chuckle] This is aboot respect. This is about realizing that humor is-- [the American delegation cracks up again]

You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot! [the American delegates are laughing so hard they begin falling off their chairs]

Stop! Stop! [falls down]

Where do you think you're going?

Kenny

I'm going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie.

You can't, you have to go to church.

Kenny

But Mom, I really wanna see the movie!

Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church, and then when you die and go to Hell, you can answer to Satan!!!

Kenny

Okay!

I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.

Kyle

Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.

No, I know. I'm just ****in’ stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle

Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat ****!

Sheila

So, boys, you saw that movie again?

Yes.

Sheila

Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!

Kyle

Grounded?

And you, Stan, come on. [Stan exits, and the other two follow]

And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.

'EY, WHY AM I GROUNDED MORE?! THAT'S **** BULLSHIT!

Sheila

W-W-WHAT?! What was that word, young man?!

Hello there, children!

Hey, Chef.

How's it going?

Bad.

Why bad?

Kyle

We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again as a reward.

Oh, that's too bad.

You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind. [laughs]

Kyle

Shut up, Cartman!

No, dude. I'd be scared, too. Your mom's a ****in' bitch.

Kyle

DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, YOU FAT ****!

DON'T CALL ME "FAT", YOU BUTT-****IN' SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?

It's pretty ****in' sweet, huh?

The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.

Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?

It's just like a lie detector, you see? Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. [to Cartman] Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? [Cartman comes out.] Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.

Oh, my head hurts.

Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say "doggy".

Doggy.

Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say "Montana".

Montana.

Good. Now "pillow".

Pillow.

All right, now I want you to say "horse ****er".

Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Horse fu-- [gets shocked] 'AAAH!!' Yiii!! [crowd gasps] That hurt, Godda-- [gets shocked] AIII! OW! ****! [gets shocked] Aghh!!

Now I'd like you to say, "Big Floppy Donkey Dick".

NO!

Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

This isn't fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked repeatedly as he continues shouting in pain]

Sheila

We will start putting V-Chips in all our children next week!
[audience cheers]

Battalion 5, raise your hands. [Battalion 5, made up entirely of African-Americans, including Chef, does so] You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call "Operation: Human Shield".

Hey, wait a minute!

Now keep in mind Operation: Human Shield will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? [Battalion 14, comprised entirely of Caucasians, raises their hands] Right, you are "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies". You will follow Battalion 5 here, and try not to get killed for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?

Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

I don't listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will-- [map begins wigging out, Saddam's visage begins to take over the hologram]

Saddam Hussein

Comin' to get ya. Comin' to get ya.

What's wrong with this thing? [hologram shorts out] **** Windows 98! Get Bill Gates in here! [Gates enters via soldiers] You told us Windows '98 would be faster and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!

It is faster, over five million-- [the General shoots Gates in the face]

All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare to fight the Canadian scum! [soldiers cheer]

Kenny

Satan, you've got to do something!

I can't.

Saddam Hussein

Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Hey! Don't call me fat, butt-****er!

Kyle

Yeah, Cartman. Do it!

DAMN, SHIT! RESPECT MY **** AUTHORITAH!

Saddam Hussein

Aaggh!

Yes!

Saddam Hussein

Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat.

DOG-SHIT TACO! [attacks Saddam Hussein more, much to everyone's surprise]

Saddam

AAAHH! [falls back on the snow and bounces.] Quick, Satan, do something!

Try this on for size. [inhales deeply] BLOOD-DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!

Saddam Hussein

Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry; I can change!

Oh!

Okay. [Saddam Hussein smiles evilly, people gasp in horror] Not! [takes a deep breath] ****, SHIT, ****, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, ****, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!!!!!!!! [shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]

Saddam Hussein

Relax, guy! [To Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman gets startled, then Satan looks back at Saddam in confusion] Come on, you weak, stupid ****-bucket! Save me!

THAT'S IT!!!!! [Picks up Saddam Hussein] I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!!

Saddam Hussein

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!! [Saddam Hussein is impaled on a spiky rock, then he sighs in agony and he dies]

Kyle

You're late, Cartman!

I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

Kyle

Your behind?

I have to say "behind", 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass". [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

Saddam Hussein

Oh, boy! I'm so excited! Just one more day until we take over the world! I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.

This book is really interesting. It explains how people communicate differently, like how I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and then you--

Saddam Hussein

Hey, that is interesting! Let's ****!

Saddam! I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!

Saddam Hussein

Hey, Satan!

Oh! N-Now that is just not appropriate!

Saddam Hussein

Oh, come on, I'm just **** with you, it's not real! [throws the fake dildo away]

Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.

Saddam Hussein

Hey, Satan--

Ah!

Saddam Hussein

Hey, [throws the other fake dildo away] it's not real either! Come on, guy! [Satan gets up from the bed and exits the room]

My God. This is terrible!

Sheila

This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!

But we didn't want this!

Sheila

Where are you going?

We're going to find our boys! For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!

All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, so they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?

Stan

Shelly, where's the clitoris?

Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut while I go listen to my Britney Spears records. [opens & closes the door]

Stan

We're "La Resistance". We wanna save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.

I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.

Kyle

So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.

Stan

Why are you grounded?

Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cocksucking asshole, then I get grounded.

Want to see the northern lights?

You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.

I sure did, Phillip.

Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin! If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension, stupid! [hangs up phone] Hey, Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

No. What?

Nothing! Yeah!

Ha-ha! You missed me! [a single fighter returns and bombs him.]

All right, this is for the silver medal. Spell "forensics".

Ah, **** that! Why should I have to **** spell "forensics"?

Yeah!

Here you go! [writes on the blackboard] S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S. Forensics.