G Mr. Garrison
[at South Park Elementary, the class sings "Uncle ****a". Then Mr. Garrison enters and the class stops singing.] [as Mr. Hat]
Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [normal voice] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?
G Mr. Garrison
Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete ****. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
Kyle I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. [Cartman mocks Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice] SHUT UP, FAT BOY!
AY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YA ****IN' JEW!
G Mr. Garrison
Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Kyle No, he's talking about "****". You can't say "****" in school, you ****in’ fat ass!
Dude, you just said "****" again!
What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. ****, ****ity-****-****-****.
G Mr. Garrison
How would you like to go see the school counselor?
How would you like to suck my balls?
G Mr. Garrison
[everyone gasps in shock] [outraged]
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!
Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [picks up a megaphone and clears throat] "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
[Garrison stands rooted to the spot, furiously speechless]
Holy shit, dude.
C Chef
Hello there, children!
Kyle We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again as a reward.
C Chef
Oh, that's too bad.
You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind. [laughs]
Kyle Shut up, Cartman!
No, dude. I'd be scared, too. Your mom's a ****in' bitch.
Kyle DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, YOU FAT ****!
DON'T CALL ME "FAT", YOU BUTT-****IN' SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!
C Chef
Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?
[While he, Kyle and Kenny are leaving Stan with Chef]
It's pretty ****in' sweet, huh?
We're "La Resistance". We wanna save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
M The Mole
I can't help you. I'm grounded to my room for the next three days.
Kyle So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
M The Mole
Why? Because God hates me. He has made my life miserable, so I call him a cocksucking asshole, then I get grounded.
[he, Kyle and Stan walk up to Kenny's corpse]
I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.
Kyle Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.
No, I know. I'm just ****in’ stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle [angrily and sarcastically]
Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat ****!
[the boys' mothers barge into the ER.]
So, boys, you saw that movie again?
Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
Kyle [the boys gasp in horror] [shocked]
Grounded?
S Sharon
And you, Stan, come on. [Stan exits, and the other two follow]
And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
'EY, WHY AM I GROUNDED MORE?! THAT'S **** BULLSHIT!
W-W-WHAT?! What was that word, young man?!
[muffled]
Satan, you've got to do something!
Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
[angrily]
Hey! Don't call me fat, butt-****er!
Kyle [He shoots pent-up electrical charges out of his fingers, which sends a demon flying into a rock. Cartman suddenly gets an idea and smiles]
Yeah, Cartman. Do it!
DAMN, SHIT! RESPECT MY **** AUTHORITAH!
[Shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, attacking him] [getting electrocuted]
Aaggh!
Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat.
DOG-SHIT TACO! [attacks Saddam Hussein more, much to everyone's surprise]
[gets electrocuted]
AAAHH! [falls back on the snow and bounces.] Quick, Satan, do something!
Try this on for size. [inhales deeply] BLOOD-DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!
[Attacks Saddam Hussein more]
Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry; I can change!
Okay. [Saddam Hussein smiles evilly, people gasp in horror] Not! [takes a deep breath] ****, SHIT, ****, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, ****, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!!!!!!!! [shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]
[howls in pain, but amid the howls as Satan is horrified]
Relax, guy! [To Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman gets startled, then Satan looks back at Saddam in confusion] Come on, you weak, stupid ****-bucket! Save me!
[enraged]
THAT'S IT!!!!! [Picks up Saddam Hussein] I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!!
[He throws Saddam Hussein back into Hell]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!! [Saddam Hussein is impaled on a spiky rock, then he sighs in agony and he dies]
