Cartman quotes from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [normal voice] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two? Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?

Twelve.

Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete ****. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.

Kyle

I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison. [Cartman mocks Kyle in a high-pitched, gibberish voice] SHUT UP, FAT BOY!

AY! DON'T CALL ME FAT, YA ****IN' JEW!

Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Jew?

Kyle

No, he's talking about "****". You can't say "****" in school, you ****in’ fat ass!

Kyle!

Why the **** not?

Eric!

Stan

Dude, you just said "****" again!

Stanley!

Kenny

****.

Kenny!

What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. ****, ****ity-****-****-****.

How would you like to go see the school counselor?

How would you like to suck my balls?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!

Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [picks up a megaphone and clears throat] "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"

Stan

Holy shit, dude.

Hello there, children!

Hey, Chef.

How's it going?

Bad.

Why bad?

Kyle

We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrence and Phillip movie again as a reward.

Oh, that's too bad.

You should have seen Kyle when his mom showed up; he was scared out of his mind. [laughs]

Kyle

Shut up, Cartman!

No, dude. I'd be scared, too. Your mom's a ****in' bitch.

Kyle

DON'T CALL MY MOM A BITCH, YOU FAT ****!

DON'T CALL ME "FAT", YOU BUTT-****IN' SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa, children! When did you learn to talk like that?

It's pretty ****in' sweet, huh?

Eric, what is it?

I saw him, I saw Kenny!

Oh, you poor dear. You've been through so much. [strokes Cartman]

I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire and now he's all pissed off! [gets shocked by the V-chip] Aaggh! Hey, I can't say "pissed off"? [gets shocked again] Aaggh!

Kyle

You're late, Cartman!

I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

Kyle

Your behind?

I have to say "behind", 'cause I get shocked if I say "ass". [gets shocked by the V-chip] Ow!

I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him $100.

Kyle

Come on, Cartman, it's not your fault.

No, I know. I'm just ****in’ stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle

Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat ****!

Sheila

So, boys, you saw that movie again?

Yes.

Sheila

Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!

Kyle

Grounded?

And you, Stan, come on. [Stan exits, and the other two follow]

And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.

'EY, WHY AM I GROUNDED MORE?! THAT'S **** BULLSHIT!

Sheila

W-W-WHAT?! What was that word, young man?!

The machinery of the V-Chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.

Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?

It's just like a lie detector, you see? Certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. [to Cartman] Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? [Cartman comes out.] Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.

Oh, my head hurts.

Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say "doggy".

Doggy.

Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say "Montana".

Montana.

Good. Now "pillow".

Pillow.

All right, now I want you to say "horse ****er".

Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Horse fu-- [gets shocked] 'AAAH!!' Yiii!! [crowd gasps] That hurt, Godda-- [gets shocked] AIII! OW! ****! [gets shocked] Aghh!!

Now I'd like you to say, "Big Floppy Donkey Dick".

NO!

Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

This isn't fair, you sons of bitches! [gets shocked repeatedly as he continues shouting in pain]

Sheila

We will start putting V-Chips in all our children next week!
[audience cheers]

Kenny

Satan, you've got to do something!

I can't.

Saddam Hussein

Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Hey! Don't call me fat, butt-****er!

Kyle

Yeah, Cartman. Do it!

DAMN, SHIT! RESPECT MY **** AUTHORITAH!

Saddam Hussein

Aaggh!

Yes!

Saddam Hussein

Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat.

DOG-SHIT TACO! [attacks Saddam Hussein more, much to everyone's surprise]

Saddam

AAAHH! [falls back on the snow and bounces.] Quick, Satan, do something!

Try this on for size. [inhales deeply] BLOOD-DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON POPSICLE!

Saddam Hussein

Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before, but don't worry; I can change!

Oh!

Okay. [Saddam Hussein smiles evilly, people gasp in horror] Not! [takes a deep breath] ****, SHIT, ****, ASS, TITTIES, BONER, BITCH, MUFF, PUSSY, ****, BUTTHOLE, BARBRA STREISAND!!!!!!!!! [shoots electricity at Saddam Hussein, who is flown into a rock and severely electrocuted]

Saddam Hussein

Relax, guy! [To Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman gets startled, then Satan looks back at Saddam in confusion] Come on, you weak, stupid ****-bucket! Save me!

THAT'S IT!!!!! [Picks up Saddam Hussein] I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!!!!!

Saddam Hussein

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! HEY, GUY! RELAAAAAAAAX!!!! [Saddam Hussein is impaled on a spiky rock, then he sighs in agony and he dies]