[Barry, Krinkler's Chips, and Toilet Paper tried to figure out how to get back to Shopwell's]
Shit.
Krinkler's Chips: How the **** does this thing work?
I wish this god would wake up already. How am I supposed to get back to Frank?
Perhaps, I could be of some assistance.
What? Who the hell is that?
TP Toilet Paper
Oh, only the most intelligent being alive.
I am Sorbitol, Malitol, Xylitol, Mannitol, Calcium Carbonate, Soy Lecithin, Vegetable-Derived Glycerin and Talc. But for expediency's sake, you can call me... Gum. For 20 years, I was stuck underneath the desk of a brilliant scientist. I was scraped off, and discarded, and eventually, found myself stuck to a shoe that dropped me here. Your home is a supermarket. This is but one of many as your particular chain of supermarkets is ever-expanding unified by a singular purpose: to store food and products for human consumption. The supermarket in the closest physical vicinity to us is here. If the human operates his automotive, the journey should take 9.8 minutes.
Great. That last part was all you had to say, really.
[closing scene; Frank and his friends head to the garbage room and find Firewater]
Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible. And for that, I give you mad props. But now that you have shattered one truth, it is time for you to learn that we are not real! Booga-booga-booga!
While tripping balls, Firewater made an important metaphysical breakthrough.
The world is a **** illusion, bro. Our lives have been manipulated for the entertainment of monsters. Twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters! Puppet masters in another dimension. We're something called... cartoons.
[everyone else gasps in shock]
What?
You, Frank, are the plaything of a demented, sloppy Jewish actor named [throws salt into the fire; conjuring an image of Seth Rogen's face] Seth Ro-gan.
You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named [Firewater conjures up an image of Edward Norton's face] Edward Norton.
Sammy Bagel Jr. Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid **** name like that?
Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
[Firewater turns a dial, activating a portal]
I have invented a stargate device that will allow us to travel to our dimension.
**** yeah, he did! And it's dope. This guy's smart, I mean, like, ****-a-guy smart! Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. Anyway, we're gonna go to this other dimension, and cut the strings once and for all! Anybody want a hit before we do this?
You ready to get baked and walk through Gum's stargate with me?
As long as we're together, I'm ready to get baked and do anything.
[Frank and Brenda smoke marijuana from the kazoo and the main characters hold hands together and walk through the portal] [Credits roll]
[Frank climbs up to one of the shopkeeper counters, holding a page out of the cookbook. He activates the cameras, broadcasting himself to the rest of the store]
Um, friends, ramen, [Ramen look at each other and shrug] Country Club Lemonade.
CC Country Club Lemonade Can
Huh?
Lend me your ears...o-of corn.
I'm Frank, a-and I'm a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bullshit!
CM Chunk Munchers Cereal
That's crazy talk!
I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof! [shows the page from the cookbook, depicting a graphic image of a hot dog being eaten]
LR Licorice Rope
What is this!?
R Relish
It's... It's murder!
W-what, what about the extra virgin olive oil?! My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps! I can't! [ululates, the other items on the Halal shelf join in; on the Kosher shelf, the food items have turned and are presumed praying, as if they were at the Western Wall]
Okay, whoa, whoa, easy, guys, easy, look, I have a plan! We can run!
IC Ice Cream
I can't run! I'll melt!
Okay, uh, uh, then-then, uhhhh we'll hide.
BO Bag of Dog Food
Where? I'm huge.
P Peanut
I ain't fightin' alongside a bunch of fruits!
W Watermelon
Whatever, you nutjobs.
CP Curry Paste
So, we cannot run, we cannot hide, and we cannot stand up to them because they're **** gods, and they're immortal! So, basically, there's no hope, and we're royally ****!
CM Chunk Munchers Cereal
Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? [referring to cookbook page] Or this? [A Honey Drippers cereal box turns around, revealing two kids holding up a happy box of cereal]
W Watermelon
I don't like bad things.
CP Curry Paste
We choose the more pleasant thing!
IC Ice Cream
Yeah, I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just, uh...a theory!
No, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your **** eyes. Don't be so weak.
Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
RB Refried Beans
You, señor have no bedside manner!
What, I have bedside manner!
FF Frozen Fruitz
You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
S Sauerkraut
You intolerant piece of shit!
[the clock changes to 7:00 am behind Frank. The lights automatically switch on. Darren walks behind Frank]
Oh, no, it's starting! No.
[Frank enters Firewater's cave and finds Firewater himself chanting "Hi ya. How are ya?" at a fire. Firewater stops when he sees Frank.]
Hi ya. How are ya?
Hi ya. How are ya? Uh, I'm Frank. Are you... Firewater?
What are you doing in this cave?
I am the original inhabitant of this land. My kind once had a pristine aisle, majestic and untouched. Then we were driven out of it... by a bunch of goddamn **** crackers!
Oh, yeah. The crackers. They do have a nice aisle. Uh, okay, anyway, look, I was told that you might have some answers.
Answers I have, but first... [throws salt into the fire, conjuring an image of a question mark] I must know the question.
Okay, well, before I saw him jump to his death, Honey Mustard said that the Great Beyond is bullshit and the gods are monsters, and I always kinda thought that it didn't quite add up. So, I, I, I guess my question is what, what really happens in the Great Beyond?
[after smoking a hit in a kazoo]
To find that which you seek, all you must do is look deep... into my Bag of Wonderment. [pulls out a large sack]
Whoa.... [looks into the bag] I don't see anything.
Deeper, deeper, deeper... [Frank leans closer into the bag] Put your whole head in the bag there. There you go.
Just say when, I'm just gonna keep going in.
[Suddenly the bag is closed around Frank, and everything turns pitch black except for his eyes]
Guys, get out here! Help me kill this prick!
G Mr. Grits
Damn! This mother****er knows too much! We get off his ass!
Someone hand me a blade! I'll gut this ****!
T Twink
No! If we kill him, we are no better than the gods!
Oh, he's right. Take off the Bag of Wonderment. [Frank is released from the bag]
G Mr. Grits
We the "None" perishables, mother****er.
We are.... immortal. This here's Twink. And Grits.
G Mr. Grits
They call me Mr. Grits.
Yeah, Mr. Grits. Yeah, whatever.
G Mr. Grits
You told him about the crackers?
Yeah, I told him about the crackers. [to Frank] You don't even wanna hear what they did to Mr. Grits over here. [shudders]
G Mr. Grits
**** the crackers. I'm gonna **** them crackers right in the crack of they cracker asses. Crack-ass crackers...
Well, why were you gonna kill me? All I did was ask what happens in the Great Beyond! Geez! What's the big whoop?
G Mr. Grits
[the Nonperishables huddle up]
We can't tell this sausage ass mother****er the truth. We just met his ass.
T Twink
He basically knows it already. Maybe it's... it's time to end this.
I am tired of all the lies. Prepare yourself, for you're about to learn... the terrible truth. Anybody wanna hit before we get into this? Twink?
G Mr. Grits
Shit, if we smokin', I'll hit it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
G Mr. Grits
Pass the weed, mother****er. [takes a hit of Sativa] Goddamn. [coughs twice] Whoo, whoo! This indica?
Nah, man. Sativa! It's good shit. Clean high.
[Mr. Grits hands him the kazoo]
Oh, no thanks.
Trust me. What you're about to hear, you'll want some. [Frank gulps and takes a big hit of Sativa and coughs nonstop]
[in the Nonperishables' cave, Frank is still coughing after taking a big hit of Sativa]
It's good shit, isn't it?
[coughs]
Okay, okay, I'm super baked, and my friends are probably wondering where the hell I am. Will somebody please just tell me something already?
[Takes a hit of Sativa from the Kazoo]
Okay. The thing about the Great Beyond is... [blows] We invented it!
I know, right? As soon as you're out those doors, the gods kill our asses.
What are you, crazy? That doesn't make any sense! Why would the gods wanna kill us? It makes no sense.
Uh, because it makes them stronger. Every kill gives 'em power and it's never enough. Over the years, they've grown bigger, stronger, fatter. Their hunger's insatiable, buddy! I mean, ****.
OK, you guys are **** nuts. How much of that shit have you been smoking? Too **** much is how much.
We blaze for real, 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit. Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. Oh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So we, the Nonperishables, created a story: the story of the Great Beyond, a place where the gods care for you and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shiting themselves.
Wait, wait. So, you're telling me you wrote the song?
I can't take full credit. I wrote the music. Twink here is my lyricist. We both drop it right and drop it all the time. Boom! The melody came to me one night, when I was getting super, super, super baked, like ****-a-guy baked. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook, it caught on, you know. In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... ****y. The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views. **** with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish. Now, every morning, when I hear the song, I'm like: "What the **** are you guys saying? I mean, wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit! I love juice! Always have! Juice are hilarious! Who the **** do these guys think they are?!" Anyway, at least it's distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
So that means Carl & Barry are dead?
I don't know who those dudes are, but if they went out those doors?
G Grits
[smoking Sativa from the pipe]
Dead [coughs] as a mother****er. [coughs twice]
Oh, God. If what you're saying is true, I-I gotta tell everybody.
Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.
I have to try. Everyone will die otherwise.
Huh yeah, that's a good point. **** me, right?
Wait! You guys have any proof of this?
T Twink
[Firewater and Grits turn to Twink who walks up to Frank]
Go to the dark aisle, beyond the ice.
Why? What's in that aisle?
T Twink
Oh, you'll see. But I warn you: Once you see that shit, it'll **** you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! [Kisses Frank on the lips and runs off laughing]
[Frank then leaves]
Hey, Grits, pack another bowl, will ya? I'm a-hankering for a hunk of herb.
T Tequila
[Teresa Del Taco has Brenda, Lavash, and Sammy hide in the Mexican Bar's tight closet with her] [walks inside]
Okay, I got them right here, amigo. I-- "SHIT!" [finds that Lavash, Sammy and Brenda have disappeared]
[squeezed in the closet with Sammy Bagel Jr.]
Get your nose out of my crotch!
"Get my nose out of your crotch?" Get your crotch off my nose!
Shh! Cállate! He's coming.
The one they call... El Dou-che. [Douche enters the bar; all the Mexican food products are frightened]
MF Mexican Food Product 1
[quietly]
El Dou-che.
MF Mexican Food Product 2
[quietly]
El Dou-che!
MF Mexican Food Product 3
[quietly]
El Dou-che!
What gives, bro? You told me you had them. So, you dragged me over to this **** aisle with all these illegal products, and now I don't see them. So, where the **** are they? Spill the beans!
Beans, I swear to **** God if you don't shut the **** up!
[looks out from the closet]
Oh no! He's back! Where's Frank?
T Tequila
They were just here!
What part of "I want the sausage and the bun dead, and if you see them, come and get me, and if I find out that you didn't come and get me or just couldn't find them good enough, I'll **** kill your asses" did you not understand, Tequila?!
T Tequila
Well, it's a pretty confusing sentence to be honest with you, you know. I mean, this is... uh, this happens, you know...
[calms down]
Ah, bro, come here, ah, it's fine, it's cool. No biggie! I'm not gonna do something **** up to you now as soon as I get you in close. Come here. [grabs Tequila and shatters him]
YES WAY! José's **** dead, yo! [drinks Tequila's fluids, causing him to turn green and get stronger muscles]
[watches Douche drink Tequila's fluids]
Madre puta, madre puta. [Douche throws Tequila's cap into El Guaco's crotch]
EG El Guaco
Ay! Right in my guac and balls!
And the same thing's gonna happen to all of you unless you find the SAUSAGE and the bun!
D Druggie
[the Druggie has injected bath salts into his bloodstream, making him able to see the food walk and talk] [seeing Barry walk]
What the ****?
[they both scream at each other in fright]
Please don't kill me, please just, just wait!
D Druggie
What are you? [pokes Barry] Are you some kind of... magical sausage?
Uh, yeah, uh, no, oh, no, I'm just Barry, I'm just Barry! Wait! Wait, you can actually understand me? And I can actually understand you?
D Druggie
Whoa, the bath salts are showing me the real world. It's **** lifted the veil of non-reality!
Krinkler's Chips: Holy shit! He can actually see us?!
D Druggie
The bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! Oh! I'm tweaked! I'M TWEAKING, AAH!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, just take it easy, dude, just breathe, dude, just breathe. You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man, just be with me. Be cool. This wave's gotta crash.
D Druggie
I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... With your gloves and your, your, your little shoes, and your arms, and your legs!
P Pizza
Legs, huh?! Look at me! Look at me! I ain't got no legs, you ****! You ate my goddamn legs!
D Druggie
Oh No, not Mr. Pizza! Oh, ****! I've eaten so many of your family members! I've committed pizza genocide! Mr. Sausage, when will it end?!
BC Beer Can
When will it end? When he stops drinking us!
Krinkler's Chips and Ticklish Licorice: Yeah!
C Cookies
And stops eating us!
TP Toilet Paper
And when he stops using us!
Krinkler's Chips: What did he do to you?
TP Toilet Paper
[nervously backs away]
You don't wanna **** know.
D Druggie
Okay! Okay. Look, I promise. I'll never eat food again, I'll just... so I'll just eat dirt, and wipe my ass with sticks!
Good. And there's one more thing you're gonna do. Take....me....home. [points to the Shopwell's bag]
D Druggie
You got it. I just need to rest my eyes for a few...[falls asleep]
[They all walk and stand on the corpse's butt. The pizza puts the camera on.]
You see? There is hope!
LS Licorice Sugar Rope
Oh, not this guy. No one asked for an encore, asshole.
No, no, don't worry. I got it this time. This time it's gonna be good. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't respectful of your beliefs... and I acted like I had all the answers, but I don't. Nobody knows everything. But what I do know is that together, we can fight these monsters... and take control of our own lives.
Yes! Our lives and our bodies!
