Most-quoted character in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001): in 68 of its 134 quotes
Most scenes with: Jay (35), Justice (9), Whillenholly (8)
Holy ****! The little stoner was right!
If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
What buzz?
The Internet buzz.
What the **** is the Internet?
The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid **** movie.
That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that.
This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. ****in', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the mother**** nuts by a guy named ****-Knocker.
You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY **** CONCERN!
Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Yeah.
Tricia Jones Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.
Alyssa Jones Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
Tricia Jones Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
Alyssa Jones Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
Do they say who's ****in' playing us in the movie?
No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Who?
You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
You mean that ****in' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mall****er.
Here's your coffee sir, booger-free.
Christ, Ben, I said I'm busy.
Oh yeah...
Well, come on! SAY IT already!
THE SIGN! ON THE BACK OF THE CAR! IT SAID "CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD"! YOU DUMB ****!
Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
What? Since when?
See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Hi, I'm Justice.
And I'm so **** yours.
Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
It's nice to meet you.
Justice, that's a nice name...
Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-****', bitch.
Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.
Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.
And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
And for one more record, he loves the ****.
Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy I'm on it.
Chrissy Great, he's **** to boot.
Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
There they are!
Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.
I thought that was a 10-82.
No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...
That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."
I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
Remind me to renew that restraining order.
Why?
Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.
Are you even supposed to be here today?
Don't get me started.
You the man.
No, you the man, and that's the problem.
Wait for me.
What, here?
Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the **** are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your **** out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that mother****er and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy...
Jesus loves the little children...
Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you?
Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out.
That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she ask, or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
[disappears]
Hey, little man! You want some of this?
How 'bout you, big boy?
You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Oh, yeah? How nasty?
As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your ****in' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and ****in' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to ****in' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who **** the pie!
You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that **** pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
You put your dick in a pie!
This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
Or House Party 3!
Shut the **** up.
Teen #1 Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.
Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.
I'm the BITCH?
Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.
Will you shut up!
Teen #1 Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.
****, ****, ****,
Mother, mother ****,
Mother, mother ****, ****
Mother ****, mother ****,
Noich noich noich,
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,
Noich, noich noich
Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz,
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers,
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers,
Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts,
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Fifteen bucks, little man,
Put that shit in my hand,
If that money doesn't show,
Then you owe me, owe me, owe,
My jungle love, yeah,
Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe,
I think I want to know ya, know ya,
Yeah, what?
Teen #1 What the hell are you singing?
You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-**** Time.
You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
Teen #1 Yeah, Purple Rain.
Man, that shit was so gay - **** eighties style.
You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch the WB?
I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me. I'm the pie ****er.
Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".
Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.
Yeah, I'll bet you do.
No, I'm fine with gay...
Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay.
Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ass?
How 'bout not.
Then what the **** am I supposed to call you?
Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
...Boo Boo Kitty ****?
That's... a start.
It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.
Pumpkin Escobar Man... I don't know what the **** you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.
I would *never* **** a sheep!
Hey, lawdog.
See you in hell, cocksmoker!
Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes.
Alright, don't you ****in' move you little shit machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.
What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watchin these babies?
Uh - the fat one's watchin the little one?
Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.
YO, **** YOU, YOU **** SQUARE! Can you believe that **** guy telling me how to **** raise you? Mother****er, man. Who's he **** think he is, doing that outside the **** store, right? ****!
Oh my God. I'm paralyzed! That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh sweet irony!
You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer.
Hooper You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.
Are you **** crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.
I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-**** Brady Bunch go.
So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck?
No. Go.
****.
They didn't really steal the monkey. It was just a diversion so we could steal these.
And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.
No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.
Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
One rectal breach comin' up.
You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.
Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
**** you.
Fair enough.
Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything!
Especially you.
If I go to prison will you wait for me?
Hmm, I don't know. Will you **** me when you get out?
Snoogans.
[Goes back to kissing Jay]
Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.
Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackinate it. Okay, ****y?
Actually, it's Banky.
No, it is ****y.
Steve-Dave Pulasti Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie?
Walt "Fanboy" Grover Tell 'em Steve-Dave.
Steve-Dave Pulasti Would you stop saying that?
And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I **** on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% ****. He LOVES the ****.
The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
I think they passed out.
Great. What do we do with them now?
Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy
Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
Make it fast and sexy.
I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".
Just take it from "It's a good course."
Oh, now you're the director.
Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...
Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.
I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?
You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him.
And sometimes, you have to go back to the well.
And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.
See, that's just mean.
Well, you're rich, you're in love
Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?
Well, to have all these ****s stop talking shit about us on the Internet.
What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Well, aside from showing up at all their houses and beating the shit out of them.
Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Chrissy Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches!
And two: because you're a man!
Only on the outside.
Here's your coffee sir.
Did you spit in it?
I didn't spit in it sir.
Any boogers in it?
There's no boogers in it sir.
You went to film school didn't you? Must piss you off to see a black man runnin' a big old production like this, huh? Went to film school. Does your daddy know you give a **** his coffee? Must kill him, doesn't it!
There's no boogers in it sir.
Then taste it. Taste the booger flavor. I know it's in there!
Shannen Doherty **** Miramax! Cut!
Wes Craven Shannen, I usually say cut.
Shannen Doherty A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
Wes Craven The Market research says that people love monkeys.
Wes Craven See?
So all we's gotta do is stop this ****in' movie from getting made!
Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, **** ****? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
[Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]
Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
Well, actually there was this one time...
Hitchhiker Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately. There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.
**** that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.
Hitchhiker Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines.
Well there's a line, and on this side of it, we ain't gay.
Steve-Dave Pulasti Boy, Walt. This store sure does suck ass, doesn't it?
Walt "Fanboy" Grover Tell him, Steve-Dave.
You're both banned.
Steve-Dave Pulasti Holy Shit. Un-ban us. This guy'll suck your dick.
I'm sure he will.
Walt "Fanboy" Grover NO!
You're doubling me, obviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill.
Bob.
Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray.
Jay. ****, Biggs, did you even READ the script?
There's a script?
Listen, Potzer!
There's a script for this movie?
You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day.
**** you and your Dawson's Crap! Go to hell, Pacey! Go to hell!
At least call me by the right **** character.
If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...
Uh, three by my count, but close.
Right. My bad. Three days to stop that **** movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!
Steve Kmetko Rumor is Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are working on a super secret project on the lot. Have you seen them roaming around?
Jules Asner No, Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck buying a soda from a concession stand.
And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
Clark You're just no longer any good, Will Hunting. Now how do *you* like *them apples*?
I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?
Chucky, it's hunting season.
Shannen Doherty Dick!
Just isn't the same, is it? This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? She is TOO fine! And she smells SO ****in' pretty. She has a nice voice too. And that body? ****in' smokin'! You know, she didn't tell me to **** off once when I was talkin' to her. Or pull out the ****in' pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunchbox? She could be the one.
Chrissy Nice going, four eyes.
Why the **** did you let that little stoner throw Brent out of the van?
Oh, please. If I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs, I was gonna throw him out myself.
We needed Brent, Justice. He was our patsy, remember?
We'll just find someone else. Besides, I didn't see you try to stop Jay from throwing him out.
Yeah, I didn't wanna blow our cover.
Cover, schmover. You all hated his songs too.
Chrissy Not as much as I hate you.
We have a very simple gang here, Justice. I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn and Missy's the tech girl. But lately, I'm having a little trouble figuring out what you're doing here.
Chrissy Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme.
Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They've gotta break into Provasik now.
Uh-uh.
Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO **** in love with you.
Jay? No, he's not.
What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was **** Lord Byron?
Well, maybe he just has manners.
Yo, baby, ever have your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? [he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock] Yeeaah...!
We've got about two hours before we get to Boulder. That'll give you plenty of time to work on him.
I'm not gonna do it.
Why the **** not?
Because he's just so innocent! Look at him.
Jay
Jason Mewes
Whillenholly
Chaka Luther King
Chris Rock
Holden
Ben Affleck
Justice
Shannon Elizabeth
Banky
Jason Lee
James Van Der Beek
James Van Der Beek
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon
Diedrich Bader
Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck
Brodie
Jason Lee
Jason Biggs
Jason Biggs
Brent
Seann William Scott
Chaka's Production Assistant
Jamie Kennedy
Dante Hicks
Brian O'Halloran
Randal Graves
Jeff Anderson
Sheriff
Judd Nelson
Silent Bob
Kevin Smith
Cock-Knocker
Mark Hamill
Matt Damon
Matt Damon
Missy
Jennifer Schwalbach Smith
Sissy
Eliza Dushku
Reg Hartner
Jon Stewart
Scooby Doo
Willam Black
Scott Mosier
