Rob Schneider movie quotes

View Quote My shirt size is medium husky.

View Quote Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

View Quote [to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!

View Quote Dodge: Marty, I'm a little worried about your health. Not exactly a people person, are you? I'm afraid you're headed straight for an ulcer if you can't ease up a little bit.
Pascal: I'm-I'm not happy with this boat, sir. Requesting permission for a transfer.
Dodge: What?
Pascal: Commander, this-this boat... it's a rustbucket! It's a shitbox! And this crew is the most incompetent bunch of **** and assholes in naval history! I mean, I know why you're here, but- I don't know why I was even considered for such an assignment-
Dodge: 'Scuse me, 'scuse me. Why am I here?
Pascal: You know, your thing!
Dodge: What "thing"?
Pascal: The weenie tattoo.
Dodge: [Laughs] Wow. Look, Pascal, I hate to disappoint you, but I may have had some other things going for me.
Pascal: Yeah, yeah, yeah- I believe you, sir. Now, about my transfer. This post could seriously jeopardize my chances for advancement. I mean, I am this close to command, sir-
Dodge: Forget it. You think you're the only one embarrassed to be here, you think this is the command I dreamed about? Well, we're all in this mess together, mister. And you and your career are in the hands of those very assholes! Including this one. That answer your question?
Pascal: Yes, sir.
Dodge: Dismissed.

View Quote [Pascoe inspects the galley]
LT Martin Pascoe: Oh, my God! There are cockroaches in the flour! Your cigar ash is in the spaghetti! Jesus, Buckman! This stuff's been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Seaman Buckman: What's the matter, sir? [pokes finger into can and tastes sample] It still tastes like cream of corn.
Pascal: Except- it's deviled ham!!
Buckman: Now that would be a problem.

View Quote [During the Stingray crew's roll call...]
LT Martin Pascal: Engineman First Class Brad Stepanek!
EN1 Brad Stepanek: [looks at Dodge, unimpressed] Sit on it and rotate, sir.
Pascal: WHAT?! What did you say, sailor?! You can't say that! [to Dodge] He can't say that!
Dodge: Pascal, down! Down! Heel!
Stepanek: By the Uniform Code of Military Justice, that constitutes gross insubordination, punishable by one month in the brig. [holds out his arms, as if for handcuffs] I'm ready to go, sir.
Dodge: Board the boat. I like a challenge.
Stepanek: You'll throw me off within a week. I'm a dedicated pain in the butt, sir.
Dodge: Stepanek...
Stepanek: What?
Dodge: If I throw you off, it'll be in the middle of the Atlantic. [beat] Board the damn boat.
Stepanek: Aw, man... [shoulders his kit bag and goes aboard] What's our mission, rescue Gilligan?
Pascal: YOU'RE MINE, MAGGOT!
Dodge: Ha! I love this job! And who's our next contestant?

View Quote Ferguson: I'm alive! I'm alive! (looks over and sees Dredd next to him) Oh, so are you.

View Quote Chief Justice Fargo: The blind lady.
Joseph Dredd: Who is she?
Chief Justice Fargo: Justice, before your time. We should have never taken justice out of her hands.
Joseph Dredd: You brought order to chaos, sir.
Chief Justice Fargo: That we did. Solved many problems, and created many more! Being a Judge, Joseph, perhaps too much power in one person's hands. But we once tried to compensate - dreate the perfect Judge. We called it Janus. Four decades ago, DNA samples were taken from the original Council. One was chosen: Mine. We altered it to enhance the best qualities...and screen out the worst: Weaknesses, frailties. We created you.
Joseph Dredd: You didn't create me, sir. I have a family.
Chief Justice Fargo: No.
Joseph Dredd: At the Academy, you told me they were killed when l was very young.
Chief Justice Fargo: A lie.
Joseph Dredd: I have a picture of them.
Chief Justice Fargo: A fake. We lied... to both of you.
Joseph Dredd: (confused) Both?
Chief Justice Fargo: There was another infant created in that experiment, but something went wrong. Genetically mutated to the perfect criminal.
Joseph Dredd: I have a brother?
Chief Justice Fargo: You were best friends at the Academy. Star pupils. And then he turned. And for his crimes, you judged him.
Joseph Dredd: (realizing) Rico...Rico... You let me judge my own brother? You never told me, sir.
Chief Justice Fargo: I couldn't.
(Dredd turns and look to the distance)
Chief Justice Fargo: You were like a son to me.
Joseph Dredd: (contemplating) A son...my whole life is a lie...
Chief Justice Fargo: Rico had to be executed to protect you, to protect the city.
Joseph Dredd: (seething) Rico...Rico... (turns to Fargo) He's alive!
Chief Justice Fargo: No. I signed the order myself. I saw the report.
Joseph Dredd: I didn't kill Hammond. It was him. It was his DNA that convicted me.
Chief Justice Fargo: (realizing) Griffin. Hmph. It was Griffin.
Joseph Dredd: (nodding) Griffin, yes.
Chief Justice Fargo: We've both been deceived, Joseph. I'm so sorry. Rico's killed me and destroyed you! (gasping his last breaths) Fi.. find him, Joseph.
Joseph Dredd: Don't die.
(Fargo passes away. Dredd feels a tinge of grief but pity, then picks up the shotgun and stares at the Statue of Justice as thunder and lightning boomed on the horizon)
Ferguson: What do we do? (Dredd says nothing for a bit) What do we do?
Joseph Dredd: (Dredd turns to Ferguson with a determined but angry look, cocking the shotgun in reply) Find Rico.

View Quote Judge Dredd: MegaCity Code 7592, willful sabotage of a public droid, that's 6 months, citizen. Let's see your unicard.
Herman Ferguson: Aww, give me a break, Judge... [Looks at Dredd's badge] Dredd. Dredd?!
Judge Dredd: Mmmhmm.
Judge Hershey: [Reading from a display on a handheld device after swiping Ferguson's unicard] Ferguson, Herman, hacker, illegal tampering with city droids, computers, cash machines, taxi robots...
Judge Dredd: And you haven't even been out of jail for 24 hours. He's habitual, Hershey. An automatic five year sentence. How do you plead?
Herman Ferguson: Not guilty?
Judge Dredd: I knew you'd say that.
Ferguson: Five years?! No! No! I had no choice! They were killing each other in there.
Judge Dredd: You could have gone out the window.
Ferguson: Forty floors? It would have been suicide!
Judge Dredd: Maybe...but it's legal. Judges!
Judge: Yes, sir!
Judge Dredd: Five years, Aspen Penitentiary. Case closed, take him away.
[Two Judges begin to leave with Ferguson]
Ferguson: Don't close the case! You're misjudging- you're misjudging me! Open the case! Y-you're not gonna be able to sleep tonight!
Judge Hershey: He might've been telling the truth, you know? Haven't you heard ever of extenuating circumstances?
Judge Dredd: I've heard it all, Hershey.
Judge Hershey: [Mockingly] I knew you'd say that.

View Quote Now that's some good badger milk.

View Quote Freeze Puke. Put down that VCR. Put it down. Oh you bought it did you?... Oh you have a receipt do you?... My mistake... I'm new on the force.

View Quote Marvin: My handcuffs?
Rianna: You looked so uncomfortable
Marvin: When did you take them off?
Rianna: I don't remember... You wore them for a while, then, I wore them for a while... You are an Animal.
Marvin: I am? Awesome!

View Quote [Referring to Christmas/Hanukkah holidays] It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it? But you know what? There are some buffoons out there who actually can't stand the holiday season. And seeing other people enjoy the festivities... gets them even more disgusted. In fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug... lives right here in little old dukesberry. His name's Davey Stone. That fool's in the China dragon... coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over. At one time, Davey was a super student, super athlete... super sweet, super kid and the apple of his parents' eye. Now, he's just a 33-year-old, crazy Jewish guy... who lives for making this town as miserable as he is... especially on the first night of Hanukkah. How'd he end up this way? Let's save that for later... because right now, Davey's about to get himself into some serious trouble.

View Quote Mr. Chang: 4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.
Davey: Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record: Longest burp.
[Davey does a loud, long burp as everybody stares at him]
Mr. Chang: [sarcastically] Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.
Narrator: It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?
Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.
Davey: Good! Your house sucks!
Eleanor: [thinks Davey is holding their house up] Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.

View Quote Prank caller: Hello? Hi, is Ophelia there?
Eleanor: Ophelia who?
Prank caller: Ophelia hiney.
Eleanor: Oh, feel my hiney?! You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you! [Hangs up and Davey enters the house] It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!
Whitey: It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay!
Eleanor: Whitey, thank God you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!
Whitey: Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.
Eleanor: The criminal?! Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?!
Whitey: His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.
Eleanor: Okay, but I'm making an inventory... of every single item in this house!
Davey: Fascinating.
Eleanor: Look! He already stole something. He's hiding it in his jacket.
Davey: I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.
Eleanor: So why don't you go stay with them?
Davey: They died.
Eleanor: My bad.
Davey: [Takes out a flask] Here's to you guys for letting me crash over.
Eleanor: Alcohol in our house? This is never going to work.
Whitey: It will. We just need to set some rules so Davey knows how we do things here.
Eleanor: I'm scared.
Whitey: Look. You gotta understand it's just been me and Eleanor for 67 years... so she gets nervous around strangers.
Davey: [Referring to side table photo of Whitey and Eleanor as children] I wouldn't show that picture to anyone... or they may try to take you two back to the laboratory.
Whitey: Listen. We got rules in this house... And you better follow them or you'll find yourself out of here.
Davey: This might be harder than I thought.
Whitey: [Starts singing] If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet that's a technical foul if you switch the radio to [does air quotes] some "modern" music show, that's a technical foul. If you don't shut the door after using the 'frigerator, that's (x2) a technical foul... if you touch the thermostat
Eleanor: you'll get hit with a bat....
Whitey: ...'cause that's a technical foul...
Eleanor: ...you will feel my wrath...
Whitey: If your hair clogs the drain...
Eleanor: [swings around num-chuks] ...you'll know the meaning of pain...
Whitey: ...'cause that's a technical foul...
Eleanor: I'll show you no mercy! [Splits a board with head]
Davey: Ho, this is such bullshit!
Whitey: In this house, we say "bullspit" or...
Whitey and Eleanor: ...it's (x2) a technical foul...
Davey: Let me get this straight. You expect me to change my lifestyle in one night... Because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks?
Whitey: You got it, bub. Or you can go rot in the gutter. It's up to you, Yankee doodle.
Davey: I don't want to do that... but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. If I don't spray Lysol after moving a bowel?
Davey: That's a technical foul if I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel?
Whitey: That's a technical foul...
Eleanor: [in ordinary voice] Please, say "hiney."
Davey: [Points to Eleanor's feet] If I make fun of your crazy feeties or [motions to Eleanor] give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes?
Whitey: That's not only a technical foul... [in hushed voice] but possibly a homicide...
Davey: Can I sleep past three?!
Whitey: If you do, you'll get a "T"!
Davey: Take a whiz in those flowers?!
Whitey: I'll say, "hit the showers"
Davey: [Slides down stair railings with a trombone with Whitey snatching it from him] Use this horn as a bong?!
Whitey: Adios, Tommy Chong!
Davey: Make some long-distance calls?!
Whitey: You'll get a kick in the balls, oops!
Davey: Can I walk around with my morning erection?
Whitey: If you want an automatic ejection, 'cause that's a technical foul...
Eleanor: But I'd like to see it anyway... [Waves a hand down with Davey making a face of revulsion] ...just kidding. [Flashes eyebrows]
Davey: There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister, friends or imaginary wife, I can't believe I haven't killed myself here with wigs McGee and the furry elf they took my wig. I remember the look in their eyes, I guess I'll have to deal with your demands but please don't touch me with your alien hands, I got no right to growl the whistle, she's on the prowl...
Eleanor: Without my wig, I look like an owl, hoo-hoo!
Whitey: Oh, my God. Don't laugh at her. Or it's (x3) a technical foul...
Narrator: I guess Davey will have to make the best of this.
Davey: I guess I got to make the best of this.
Narrator: See. I told you. But that shouldn't be too hard for him. Even loners need company sometimes.

View Quote You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his freaking head off!

View Quote Hey, Nicky. Cover Winkler in bees. You can do it!

View Quote Peeper: I think Victoria just told me her Secret.
Blind deacon: [after sensing Nicky's presence] You make the Lord very nervous.
Cardinal: In today's gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to obtain the splendor of heaven...or something like that. Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat.
Basketball audience member: Now that was some straight up David Copperfield shit!
Townie: You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!
Todd: [after hearing Mr. Beefy singing in his sleep] That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen.

View Quote Volpe: Don't you just hate that kid?
Felinet: Not as much as I hate you! (hisses at him)

View Quote (Pinocchio runs into Volpe and Felinet)
Felinet: Helloooo...
Pinocchio: Hellooo....
Felinet: Ooh, what a charming little item you are. (Holds out hand) May I? (Raps Pinocchio's head, makes a hollow thud) Ooh... empty as a witch's dowry. Ooh, look how smoothly his arms move. (Geppetto comes up)
Geppetto: Now Pinocchio, don't do that again. (To the thieves) Er, excuse me, but don't you two have a pushcart or something to rob?
Volpe: Uh, we've already done that. (Felinet glares at him)
Geppetto: Come on Pinocchio. I don't want you doing that again.
Felinet: Oh but Geppetto darling, we were just playing with him.
Geppetto: He'll play with his own sort, thank you.
Felinet: (suspiciously) And what sort would that be?
Geppetto: Come on son. Don't ever do that again.
Volpe: (confused) I don't get it...is he a boy, or a puppet?
Felinet: He's a puppet, fur-face. He's going to be worth a fortune...and I know exactly where to cash him in! (Both giggle)
Father: Don't worry, son! I'll get your ball back! (Felinet glances at Pinocchio's ball, realizes who it belongs to, and runs off, tossing the ball at Volpe) (Boy and his father round the corner, boy points at Volpe, who is foolishly holding the ball)
Father: Take my kid's ball, would you?? (Punches Volpe viciously)

View Quote (at the church)
Pinocchio: Hey, I know you - you're friends of -
Felinet: No, no, we've finished with him now. We're just here to ask for forgiveness.
Pinocchio: What's forgiveness?
Volpe: Forgiveness is when you have done something really really wrong, and you know what you did was wrong, but you want someone else to tell you it was wrong, but you know what you did was wrong because you did it!
Monk: Sssh!
Pinocchio: Please forgive me for being a puppet, and not a real boy.
Volpe: (tearing up) I miss my daddy, too!
Felinet: (shushes Volpe and slaps him) You know, it may be possible for you to become a real boy.
Pinocchio: How?
Felinet: All you need is a miracle!
Pinocchio: What's a miracle?
Volpe: (buts in) A miracle is - (Felinet puts her hand over his mouth)
Felinet: Miracles make your dreams come true.