C Mr. Chang
4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.
Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record: Longest burp.
C Mr. Chang
[Davey does a loud, long burp as everybody stares at him] [sarcastically]
Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.
It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?
W Whitey
You're not welcome in my house.
[thinks Davey is holding their house up]
Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.
PO Police officer
[Davey walks out intoxicated to his vehicle with his keys out]
Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.
No, officer. I'm just going to say good night to my car, then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. [To vehicle] Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you here alone tonight... But don't you worry, I'll be back first thing in the morning. Now, behave yourself, and don't stay up too late. Nighty-night. All right, baby. But let's make this quick. [Starts humping vehicle] Oh, mama! You like it when I hold you like this?! Because I'll do it all night long! So sweet! Yes, so precious! I love you, car!
C Mr. Chang
[Bursts out restaurant]
He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!
C Mr. Chang
He no pay for his four scorpion bowl! [Davey flees]
PO Police officer
Get him!
M Man
Come back here, you jerk!
PO Police officer
Somebody stop that guy!
[Grabs a trashcan lid and slides down stair railings and surfs through alleys and streets]
I'm the kind of guy who can't stand a holiday so I drink them all away, that's me, I don't decorate no trees and I won't eat no potato latkes but squeezes a woman at chest level viewed from behind]’' I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze that's just who I am, well, [woman turns around to reveal actual melons] I'll never spin a dreidel, but I'll always throw an egg and I'll Charley horse your leg for laughs, while you're singing your holiday tunes, I'm acting like the town buffoon, [to carolers] whipping out my big, white, scary moon and blowing a beef your way, I hate folks who think reindeer are cute, to me they're just something to shoot, [throws snowballs at deer with a couple and son glaring annoyed] I hate love, I hate you, I hate me, well, [goes into a garage and drives a snowmobile out] I'm a snowmobile-stealing no 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy, this time of year sucks, so I take my nun-chucks and [destroys snowmen along a street] make sure every snowman dies, believing in Santa's all wrong, and Hanukkah's eight nights too long, [Drives snowmobile crashing into ice statue] I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...
PO Police officer
[Jostling through crowd on a frozen lake]
Coming through.
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...
C Crowd
Davey Stone, you're nothing but a delinquent!
J Judge
Stone, what the heck are we going to do with you? In the past twenty years, I’ve sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward. Not one of those places has made you change an ounce for the better. ‘Cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center, with the best jump shot this town’s ever seen.
[Opens the flask]
Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. [Takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far] I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
J Judge
Stone, you leave me no choice. I’m gonna really have to crack down hard this time.
W Whitey
[Chiming in, with his fore head seen a little in the seating area]
Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to interject for a moment.
C Mr. Chang
What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?
W Whitey
[Shows himself by stepping out into the aisle with his Cain]
No, Mr. Chang. It’s me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Chanukah to you.
C Mr. Chang
I’m not Jewish.
W Whitey
Neither am I, but that don’t stop me from enjoying a holiday.
J Judge
Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It’s your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You’re turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won’t cover you anymore.
W Whitey
Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.
J Judge
Whitey, what are you getting at?
W Whitey
Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball? I’ve seen some pretty rowdy kids turn into perfect gentlemen after spending time on my court.
J Judge
If that happened with Stone, it would be a miracle.
W Whitey
Well, it is the holidays and those kinda things have been known to happen this time of year.
J Judge
Whitey, if you want to work with this punk, then God bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes. And if I hear that you break one law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than 10 years.
J Judge
Happy holidays. [Pounds his gavel, adjourning the trial]
Where are your parents, anyways?
I don't know. Hopefully, out getting me an Atari.
All right, Davey! Come on! Let's go! We'll take that.
W Whitey
That kind of shitting makes me want to do the robot dance.
Nice story. You can stop now.
No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.
Can we just go? I'm cold.
I want to hear what happens next. It's like a fairy tale.
W Whitey
Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending. Davey was wondering where his parents were. Turns out they were on their way to the ball game... when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. And Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible... could happen to a kid that nice. He walked right through that door and into foster home after foster home... until his 18th birthday.
Oh, my. You poor, poor boy. What in heaven's name did you do?
Let's just get off of this.
W Whitey
He didn't know how to handle it. What 12-year-old kid would? He basically shut down.
Davey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.
There's nothing to say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now, leave me alone.
That's the saddest story I've ever heard. [Starts sobbing then breathes a sigh of satisfaction]
[Annoyedly leaves]
Hey, I'm out of here. I don't need this symphony crap.
W Whitey
Maybe it's time you stop running from your emotions.
[Enragedly shouts at Whitey]
I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies who won't shut up about something that isn't any of their business!
E Eleanore
You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.
[Angrily]
Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some STUPID PATCH... [angrily points to Whitey] so he can pretend people actually like him?!
W Whitey
[in tears]
Take that back.
Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins... who nobody even gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning! But that patch thing ain't ever gonna happen for you... because the truth is, nobody in this town even knows you EXIST! [Jennifer and Benjamin look up in shock]
[Angrily snatches off her wig]
And You're bald!
W Whitey
You're not welcome in my house!
[Pissed off]
Good! Your house sucks!
Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?
[Angrily throws Eleanor's wig at Jennifer]
That's my problem! [With Eleanor's wig landing on Mr. Chang's head]
C Mr. Chang
He just a no-goodnik, and I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.
