Eleanor quotes from Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.

Davey

Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record: Longest burp.

Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.

Narrator

It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?

You're not welcome in my house.

Davey

Good! Your house sucks!

Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.

Hello? Hi, is Ophelia there?

Ophelia who?

Ophelia hiney.

Oh, feel my hiney?! You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you! [Hangs up and Davey enters the house] It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay!

Whitey, thank God you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!

Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

The criminal?! Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?!

His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.

Okay, but I'm making an inventory... of every single item in this house!

Davey

Fascinating.

Look! He already stole something. He's hiding it in his jacket.

Davey

I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.

So why don't you go stay with them?

Davey

They died.

My bad.

Davey

Here's to you guys for letting me crash over.

Alcohol in our house? This is never going to work.

It will. We just need to set some rules so Davey knows how we do things here.

I'm scared.

Look. You gotta understand it's just been me and Eleanor for 67 years... so she gets nervous around strangers.

Davey

I wouldn't show that picture to anyone... or they may try to take you two back to the laboratory.

Listen. We got rules in this house... And you better follow them or you'll find yourself out of here.

Davey

This might be harder than I thought.

If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet that's a technical foul if you switch the radio to [does air quotes] some "modern" music show, that's a technical foul. If you don't shut the door after using the 'frigerator, that's (x2) a technical foul... if you touch the thermostat

you'll get hit with a bat....

...'cause that's a technical foul...

...you will feel my wrath...

If your hair clogs the drain...

...you'll know the meaning of pain...

...'cause that's a technical foul...

I'll show you no mercy! [Splits a board with head]

Davey

Ho, this is such bullshit!

In this house, we say "bullspit" or...

...it's (x2) a technical foul...

Davey

Let me get this straight. You expect me to change my lifestyle in one night... Because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks?

You got it, bub. Or you can go rot in the gutter. It's up to you, Yankee doodle.

Davey

I don't want to do that... but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. If I don't spray Lysol after moving a bowel?

Davey

That's a technical foul if I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel?

That's a technical foul...

Please, say "hiney."

Davey

If I make fun of your crazy feeties or [motions to Eleanor] give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes?

That's not only a technical foul... [in hushed voice] but possibly a homicide...

Davey

Can I sleep past three?!

If you do, you'll get a "T"!

Davey

Take a whiz in those flowers?!

I'll say, "hit the showers"

Davey

Use this horn as a bong?!

Adios, Tommy Chong!

Davey

Make some long-distance calls?!

You'll get a kick in the balls, oops!

Davey

Can I walk around with my morning erection?

If you want an automatic ejection, 'cause that's a technical foul...

But I'd like to see it anyway... [Waves a hand down with Davey making a face of revulsion] ...just kidding. [Flashes eyebrows]

Davey

There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister, friends or imaginary wife, I can't believe I haven't killed myself here with wigs McGee and the furry elf they took my wig. I remember the look in their eyes, I guess I'll have to deal with your demands but please don't touch me with your alien hands, I got no right to growl the whistle, she's on the prowl...

Without my wig, I look like an owl, hoo-hoo!

Oh, my God. Don't laugh at her. Or it's (x3) a technical foul...

Narrator

I guess Davey will have to make the best of this.

Davey

I guess I got to make the best of this.

Narrator

See. I told you. But that shouldn't be too hard for him. Even loners need company sometimes.

Shaving the chest.

Nobody needs a uni-brow.

Where are your parents, anyways?

Davey

I don't know. Hopefully, out getting me an Atari.

All right, Davey! Come on! Let's go! We'll take that.

Davey

Not today.

That kind of shitting makes me want to do the robot dance.

Davey

Nice story. You can stop now.

No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.

Davey

Can we just go? I'm cold.

I want to hear what happens next. It's like a fairy tale.

Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending. Davey was wondering where his parents were. Turns out they were on their way to the ball game... when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. And Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible... could happen to a kid that nice. He walked right through that door and into foster home after foster home... until his 18th birthday.

Oh, my. You poor, poor boy. What in heaven's name did you do?

Davey

Let's just get off of this.

He didn't know how to handle it. What 12-year-old kid would? He basically shut down.

Davey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.

Davey

There's nothing to say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now, leave me alone.

That's the saddest story I've ever heard. [Starts sobbing then breathes a sigh of satisfaction]

Davey

Hey, I'm out of here. I don't need this symphony crap.

Maybe it's time you stop running from your emotions.

Davey

I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies who won't shut up about something that isn't any of their business!

You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.

Davey

Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some STUPID PATCH... [angrily points to Whitey] so he can pretend people actually like him?!

Which month was that in?

Take that back.

Davey

Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins... who nobody even gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning! But that patch thing ain't ever gonna happen for you... because the truth is, nobody in this town even knows you EXIST! [Jennifer and Benjamin look up in shock]

You're an animal!

Davey

And You're bald!

Not again! [She faints]

You're not welcome in my house!

Davey

Good! Your house sucks!

Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?

Davey

That's my problem! [With Eleanor's wig landing on Mr. Chang's head]

He just a no-goodnik, and I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.