Narrator quotes from Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

Narrator

It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it? But you know what? There are some buffoons out there who actually can't stand the holiday season. And seeing other people enjoy the festivities... gets them even more disgusted. In fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug... lives right here in little old dukesberry. His name's Davey Stone. That fool's in the China dragon... coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over. At one time, Davey was a super student, super athlete... super sweet, super kid and the apple of his parents' eye. Now, he's just a 33-year-old, crazy Jewish guy... who lives for making this town as miserable as he is... especially on the first night of Hanukkah. How'd he end up this way? Let's save that for later... because right now, Davey's about to get himself into some serious trouble.

4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.

Davey

Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record: Longest burp.

Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.

Narrator

It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?

You're not welcome in my house.

Davey

Good! Your house sucks!

Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.

Hello? Hi, is Ophelia there?

Ophelia who?

Ophelia hiney.

Oh, feel my hiney?! You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you! [Hangs up and Davey enters the house] It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay!

Whitey, thank God you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!

Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

The criminal?! Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?!

His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.

Okay, but I'm making an inventory... of every single item in this house!

Davey

Fascinating.

Look! He already stole something. He's hiding it in his jacket.

Davey

I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.

So why don't you go stay with them?

Davey

They died.

My bad.

Davey

Here's to you guys for letting me crash over.

Alcohol in our house? This is never going to work.

It will. We just need to set some rules so Davey knows how we do things here.

I'm scared.

Look. You gotta understand it's just been me and Eleanor for 67 years... so she gets nervous around strangers.

Davey

I wouldn't show that picture to anyone... or they may try to take you two back to the laboratory.

Listen. We got rules in this house... And you better follow them or you'll find yourself out of here.

Davey

This might be harder than I thought.

If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet that's a technical foul if you switch the radio to [does air quotes] some "modern" music show, that's a technical foul. If you don't shut the door after using the 'frigerator, that's (x2) a technical foul... if you touch the thermostat

you'll get hit with a bat....

...'cause that's a technical foul...

...you will feel my wrath...

If your hair clogs the drain...

...you'll know the meaning of pain...

...'cause that's a technical foul...

I'll show you no mercy! [Splits a board with head]

Davey

Ho, this is such bullshit!

In this house, we say "bullspit" or...

...it's (x2) a technical foul...

Davey

Let me get this straight. You expect me to change my lifestyle in one night... Because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks?

You got it, bub. Or you can go rot in the gutter. It's up to you, Yankee doodle.

Davey

I don't want to do that... but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. If I don't spray Lysol after moving a bowel?

Davey

That's a technical foul if I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel?

That's a technical foul...

Please, say "hiney."

Davey

If I make fun of your crazy feeties or [motions to Eleanor] give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes?

That's not only a technical foul... [in hushed voice] but possibly a homicide...

Davey

Can I sleep past three?!

If you do, you'll get a "T"!

Davey

Take a whiz in those flowers?!

I'll say, "hit the showers"

Davey

Use this horn as a bong?!

Adios, Tommy Chong!

Davey

Make some long-distance calls?!

You'll get a kick in the balls, oops!

Davey

Can I walk around with my morning erection?

If you want an automatic ejection, 'cause that's a technical foul...

But I'd like to see it anyway... [Waves a hand down with Davey making a face of revulsion] ...just kidding. [Flashes eyebrows]

Davey

There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister, friends or imaginary wife, I can't believe I haven't killed myself here with wigs McGee and the furry elf they took my wig. I remember the look in their eyes, I guess I'll have to deal with your demands but please don't touch me with your alien hands, I got no right to growl the whistle, she's on the prowl...

Without my wig, I look like an owl, hoo-hoo!

Oh, my God. Don't laugh at her. Or it's (x3) a technical foul...

Narrator

I guess Davey will have to make the best of this.

Davey

I guess I got to make the best of this.

Narrator

See. I told you. But that shouldn't be too hard for him. Even loners need company sometimes.