Dodge
Marty, I'm a little worried about your health. Not exactly a people person, are you? I'm afraid you're headed straight for an ulcer if you can't ease up a little bit.
Pascal
I'm-I'm not happy with this boat, sir. Requesting permission for a transfer.
Dodge
What?
Pascal
Commander, this-this boat... it's a rustbucket! It's a shitbox! And this crew is the most incompetent bunch of **** and assholes in naval history! I mean, I know why you're here, but- I don't know why I was even considered for such an assignment-
Dodge
'Scuse me, 'scuse me. Why am I here?
Pascal
You know, your thing!
Dodge
What "thing"?
Pascal
The weenie tattoo.
Dodge
[Laughs]
Wow. Look, Pascal, I hate to disappoint you, but I may have had some other things going for me.
Pascal
Yeah, yeah, yeah- I believe you, sir. Now, about my transfer. This post could seriously jeopardize my chances for advancement. I mean, I am this close to command, sir-
Dodge
Forget it. You think you're the only one embarrassed to be here, you think this is the command I dreamed about? Well, we're all in this mess together, mister. And you and your career are in the hands of those very assholes! Including this one. That answer your question?
Pascal
Yes, sir.
Dodge
Dismissed.
LM LT Martin Pascoe
[Pascoe inspects the galley]
Oh, my God! There are cockroaches in the flour! Your cigar ash is in the spaghetti! Jesus, Buckman! This stuff's been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Seaman Buckman
What's the matter, sir? [pokes finger into can and tastes sample] It still tastes like cream of corn.
Pascal
Except- it's deviled ham!!
Buckman
Now that would be a problem.
LT Martin Pascal
[During the Stingray crew's roll call...]
Engineman First Class Brad Stepanek!
EB EN1 Brad Stepanek
[looks at Dodge, unimpressed]
Sit on it and rotate, sir.
Pascal
WHAT?! What did you say, sailor?! You can't say that! [to Dodge] He can't say that!
Dodge
Pascal, down! Down! Heel!
S Stepanek
By the Uniform Code of Military Justice, that constitutes gross insubordination, punishable by one month in the brig. [holds out his arms, as if for handcuffs] I'm ready to go, sir.
Dodge
Board the boat. I like a challenge.
S Stepanek
You'll throw me off within a week. I'm a dedicated pain in the butt, sir.
Dodge
Stepanek...
Dodge
If I throw you off, it'll be in the middle of the Atlantic. [beat] Board the damn boat.
S Stepanek
Aw, man... [shoulders his kit bag and goes aboard] What's our mission, rescue Gilligan?
Pascal
YOU'RE MINE, MAGGOT!
Dodge
Ha! I love this job! And who's our next contestant?
Pascal
[Pascal inspects the Stingray and arrives in the galley]
BUCKMAN! [Buckman turns around with a start] What the hell are you doing?!
Seaman Buckman
Stocking the pantry, sir!
Pascal
You forgot like an idiot, Buckman, because you're stocking the pantry like an idiot! [grabs two cans from the shelves] What are in these cans, Buckman?!
Buckman
That one's coffee. That one looks like cooking lard, sir.
Pascal
And which one do you think we're gonna be using more often, sailor? The coffee, or the lard?! You think we're all gonna jump out of bed in the morning and have a big, hot, steaming cup of pig fat?!
Buckman
Well, it depends. If it's a cold morning, sir, you might go either way --
Pascal
[turning to hurl cans from the pantry]
The lard... is in... your head, Buckman! [grabs Buckman by the ear, as Dodge enters behind him] Now you take a look at that galley chart, 'cause I want that cabinet repacked, regulation style, by eleven hundred! Do you know what time eleven hundred is?!
Buckman
That would be after ten hundred, sir!
Pascal
Buckman! There was a fingernail in my food, you fat-ass moron! Yesterday, it was a band-aid!
Buckman
Sorry, sir. Band-aid was holdin' the fingernail on.
Pascal
What else do you put in your sauces, Buckman?!
Buckman
It's an old family recipe, sir. It's a secret.
Pascal
[inspects the galley, while Buckman greases the floor and the ladder]
Oh, my God! There's cockroaches in the flour! Your cigar ash is in the spaghetti! Jesus, Buckman! This stuff's been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Buckman
[pokes finger into can and tastes sample]
What's the matter, sir? It still tastes like creamed corn.
Pascal
Except- it's deviled ham!
Buckman
Now that would be a problem.
Pascal
The Captain's gonna hear about this! [turns to leave, and slips and falls on his back on the slippery floor; then rises] Nobody saw that.
Buckman
[smugly]
You should be more careful, sir. Remember: when you rush, that's when accidents happen.
Pascal
Shut up, Buckman! [moves to go up the ladder, only to bang his head on every rung before collapsing to the floor]
