We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
G Guard
What, ridden on a horse?
G Guard
You're using coconuts!
G Guard
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging 'em together.
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through —
G Guard
Where'd you get the coconuts?
G Guard
Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
G Guard
Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!
The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
G Guard
... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Not at all. They could be carried.
Bedevere How do you know she is a witch?
Bedevere [Crowd indistinctly shouts]
Bring her forward!
Bedevere But you are dressed as one...
G Girl
They dressed me up like this. [Crowd murmurs]
G Girl
And this isn't my nose. This is a false one.
Bedevere [inspects the nose and confirms]
Well?
Well, we did do the nose.
Bedevere The nose?
And the hat. She's a witch!
PC Peasant Crowd
Burn her!
Bedevere Did you dress her up like this?
PC Peasant Crowd
No, no, no! [beat] Yes, yes. A bit. But she's got a wart.
Bedevere What makes you think she is a witch?
Well, she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere [Bedevere gives him a disbelieving look]
A newt?
PC Peasant Crowd
Burn her anyway!
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
[rounds of melee, with Arthur cutting off the left arm of the black knight.]
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
A scratch?! Your arm's off!
Well what's that then? [Pointing to the knight's arm lying on the ground.]
Come on then, you pansy! [Charges Arthur, who chops the knight's remaining arm off.]
Victory is mine! [kneels and starts to pray] We thank thee Lord, that in thy-- [is kicked in the head by the armless knight.]
Have at you! [Kicks Arthur]
You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Just a flesh wound. [Continues to kick and taunt Arthur]
Look, I'll have your leg. [Recieves a very sharp kick] Right! [Chops off one of the black knight's legs]
Right! I'll do you for that!
What are you going to do, bleed on me?!
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. [Hopping on one leg towards King Arthur]
[King Arthur chops his other leg off, leaving his body upright on the ground.]
Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh?! You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!!
[Fade to black.]
STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
What... is your favourite colour?
[Suddenly friendly]
Right. Off you go.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [crosses the Bridge]
That's easy! [He approaches the Bridge. The others follow him.]
STOP! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
What... is the capital of Assyria?
I don't know that! AAAAAAAAHHH! [is cast into the gorge by an invisible force]
[Arthur and the other Knights realise that this will not be as easy as they thought. Galahad then approaches the Bridge.]
STOP! What... is your name?
What... is your favourite colour?
Blue. No, yellOOOOOOOW!! [is cast into the gorge]
Hee hee heh. STOP! What... is your name?
It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
What... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Huh? I don't know that! EEEEEEAAAARRGH!!! [is cast into the gorge]
Sir Bedevere [to Arthur]
How do you know so much about swallows?
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
LM Large Man
[A large man appears with a (seemingly) dead man over his shoulder]
Here's one.
DM "Dead" Man
I'm not dead.
LM Large Man
Nothing. [hands the collector his money] Here's your nine pence.
DM "Dead" Man
I'm not dead!
'Ere, he says he's not dead.
LM Large Man
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DM "Dead" Man
I'm getting better.
LM Large Man
No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
DM "Dead" Man
I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man': Oh, don't be such a baby.
DM "Dead" Man
I feel fine.
LM Large Man
Oh, do me a favor.
LM Large Man
Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
LM Large Man
Well, when's your next round?
DM "Dead" Man
I think I'll go for a walk.
LM Large Man
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
DM "Dead" Man
I feel happy. I feel happy.
LM Large Man
[The collector paces for an idea, then whacks the body with his club, solving the problem]
Ah, thank you very much.
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Bring out yer dead. [Hits gong]
DB Dead Body
I'm not dead!
LM Large Man
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
DB Dead Body
I'm not dead!
'Ere, he says he's not dead.
LM Large Man
Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DB Dead Body
I'm getting betta!
LM Large Man
No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulation!
DB Dead Body
I don't want to go on the cart!
LM Large Man
Oh, don't be such a baby!
DB Dead Body
I feel fine!
LM Large Man
Who's that then?
He hasn't got shit all over him.
What I object to is you automatically treatin' me like an inferior.
Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, then? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort-of-executive officer for the week--
But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting--
By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--
[getting bored]
Be quiet.
But by a two thirds majority, in the case of more major--
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Well I didn't vote for you.
You don't vote for kings!
How'd you become king, then?
The Lady of the Lake, [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] That is why I am your king!
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Shut up! Will you shut up?! [Grabs Dennis and shakes him]
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]
Now, look here, my good man--
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
God [angel chorus plays]
Arthur. Arthur, King of the Britons! [Arthur and the Knights grovel] Oh, don't grovel! [chorus stops] If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
God And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "I'm sorry" this, and "forgive me" that, and "I'm not worthy"...
G Guard
Halt! Who goes there?
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
G Guard
Pull the other one!
I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
G Guard
What? Ridden on a horse?
G Guard
You're using coconuts!
G Guard
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together!
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
G Guard
Where'd you get the coconuts?
G Guard
Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
G Guard
Well, this is a temperate zone.
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
G Guard
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Not at all. They could be carried.
G Guard
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
It could grip it by the husk!
G Guard
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
G Guard
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
G2 Guard 2
[A second guard approaches the parapet]
It could be carried by an African swallow!
G1 Guard 1
Oh yeah. An African swallow, maybe—but not a European swallow, that's my point.
G2 Guard 2
Oh yeah, I agree with that.
[exasperated]
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
G1 Guard 1
But, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.
G1 Guard 1
[Arthur begins to depart]
...So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
HK Head Knight
The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--
KO Knights of Ni
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
HK Head Knight
We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.
HK Head Knight
We want a shrubbery!! [jarring chord]
O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HK Head Knight
That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
HK Head Knight
We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
HK Head Knight
[to Random Knight]
Shh, shh. [to Arthur] We are now the Knights Who Say Ekke-ekke-ekke-ekke-ptang-zoo-boing. [fades into mumbling].
HK Head Knight
Therefore, we must give you a test.
What is this test, O Knights of--Knights Who 'Till Recently Said Ni?
HK Head Knight
Firstly, you must find another shrubbery! [jarring chord]
HK Head Knight
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place the new shrubbery here beside the other shrubbery, only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KO Knights of Ni
A path! A path!
HK Head Knight
Then! When you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest wi-i-i-i-ith a herring!!
[jarring chord]
Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
Old Crone [dramatic chord]
Who sent you?
C Crone
Ah! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say--we will say--"ni".
C Crone
Ah! Do your worst!
Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily, "ni"!
C Crone
No! Never! No shrubberies!
No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's "ni".
No, no, "ni". You're not doing it properly.
That's it, that's it, you've got it.
AB Arthur, Belvedere
Ni! Ni!
Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
SB Sir Belvedere
[slight pause]
Ni!
[stops him]
No! No, no, no! No!
