Most scenes together: Peter La Fleur & Steve the Pirate (8), Peter La Fleur & White Goodman (4), White Goodman & Steve the Pirate (3)
You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat! Where's your killer instinct? You gotta get angry! You gotta get MEAN! That's the only way you can win!
Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person.
You ain't gonna be able to beat em. They're too good and you suck something awful.
Yes sir, I sure do.
If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers you gotta learn the five D's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! If you master the five D's, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. [Justin raises his hand] Queerbait, go ahead.
Shouldn't we learn by dodging balls that are thrown at us?
That's what this sack of wrenches is for. [empties the sack] If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
What?!
OH MY GOD!!! [still writhing in agony on the floor]
If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers, then you've gotta learn the five Ds of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! If you master the five Ds, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. [Justin raises his hand] Queerbait, go ahead.
Um, me? Or...I--Um...shouldn't we learn by...y'know, like dodging balls that are thrown at us, or...?
That's what this sack of wrenches is for. [empties the sack] If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
What?
Uh, Patches, is this really necessary?
Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Probably not.
No! But I do it anyway, 'cause it's sterile and I like the taste!
...Okay...
I'm so sorry, are you okay?
Why would you hit a girl? Why?
I'm so sorry, really.
You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you.
I just want to say I thought about what you said and you were right I'm not really a pirate.
I don't know, Steve. If you're not really a pirate, who will I share this buried treasure with?
Gar! Peter?
Gar, Steve.
I'm sorry, we have a bit of a problem here.
Huh?
Unfortunately for Troop 417, during the ADAA-required random drug screening, one of your player's urine tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids, and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer. I'm afraid by rule, your team must be disqualified.
God damn you, Bernice!
By the power vested in me, I declared the winner of this year's Dodgeball regional qualified tournament and grammar jamboree to be... Average Joe's Gym!
[Average Joe's Team began to cheering] ]
You lied!
[All of the Girl Scout Troop 417 leaves, Bernice crying continues.]
Just remember your training and trust your instincts. You can do it. Bye-bye.
Um Guys, guys. Not to be a naysayer or anything, but the only customer we've had is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
I'm Peter LaFleur, I'm gonna take all the money you bribed me and bet on myself at 50:1 that I'm gonna buy out your company. Brilliant plan, too bad it doesn't make any sense. I'm Peter La Fleur. Peter La Fleur, La Fleur! The flower, that's French for kiss my ass! [Smells smoke comes from the toaster and gets up] Oh man, the Pizza Bagels are burning again. God dam, piece of crap toaster!
You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself.
Hi, I'm Peter LaFleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym. And I'm here to tell you, you're perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, getting healthier and making some great friends in the process, then Joe's is the place for you. Don't forget, youth dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
