Jason Bateman movie quotes

View Quote Play it smart, stay off the radar, and don't let them get to you, 'kay? 'Cause we are the dream... team. [accidentally throws the soda can through the wall] Sorry, Paul. [Paul frustratedly growls and the soda can sprays him away]

View Quote You're the one who said we needed a bust. Just follow my lead, okay? Act casual.

View Quote Love you, Partner.

View Quote They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

View Quote Hold your phone, she's got a cannon!

View Quote I feel shocked!

View Quote NOT okay. After Hancock throws a young boy high into the sky for calling him an asshole.

View Quote That's something you might want to bring up on a first date Mary. "I don't like to travel." "I'm allergic to cats." "I'm immortal." Those are like some things you might want to give a little heads up on. After Mary reveals that Hancock was "technically" her husband.

View Quote The AllHeart symbol will be known globally as a symbol of companies that are committed to changing the world. They'll give away their sustenance goods of food, drugs, power, clothing for free.

View Quote (after Dale gets Dora the Explorer walkie-talkies)
Nick: I call lookout, and I will let you know when I see Swiper.

View Quote (Nick, Kurt and Dale are attempting to sneak into Rex's house)
Dale: Wait. Shit. What if he's in there?
Kurt: Oh, yeah. How do we make sure he's not?
Nick: (sarcastically) I don't know. Why don't you guys ring the doorbell while you're hot?
Kurt: (taking sarcasm seriously) I love it. Smart.
Nick: No. Don't. Don't, Kurt!
(Kurt rings the doorbell, which rings 7 notes from Badfinger's "No Matter What"; Dale and Nick run and take cover)
Dale: Oh, shit! Are you kidding?!
Kurt: You know, it's pretty dark in there. I don't think anybody's here.
(rings doorbell a second time)
Nick: Don't...don't hit it again!
Kurt: You hear that?
Dale: I know that song.
Kurt: Huh? What is that?
Kurt: It's a song, right? Is it... (singing) No matter what you do...
Nick: No, no.
Dale and Kurt: (singing) I will always be with you...
Dale: Who sings that?
Kurt: Badfinger.
Dale and Kurt: (singing) Doesn't matter what you do girl...
Nick: (whispers) Quiet!
Dale and Kurt: (singing, ignoring Nick) Ooh, girl with you...
Nick: You nailed it.
Dale and Kurt: (singing loudly, still ignoring Nick) Knock on this old gray wall!
Nick: (whispering loudly) Shut the **** up!!

View Quote (after waking up out of Rex's closet, only to find him gone)
Kurt: Will you look at this **** view during the daytime? You kidding me? Unbelievable!
Nick: He seems gone. Bed's made.
Kurt: I can't believe this.
Dale: We should maybe just check (yelling) HEY! REX!
Nick: Hey.
Dale: REX! REX!
Nick: Dale!
Dale: Huh?
Nick: Did you have a plan if he responded?
Dale: I didn't think that far ahead.
Nick: Of course you didn't.
Kurt: I would have been just quieter.
Nick: You're even dumber in the mornings.
(the following is seen in the extended version only)
Kurt: What are you worried about?
Nick: Let's go.
Dale: Fifty-fifty chance, you know. Fifty-fifty chance he was here.

View Quote Juno: My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife.
Mark: Zeus' wife?
Juno: Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wife. And apparently she was supposed to be super beautiful but really mean...kind of like Diana Ross.

View Quote Juno: Can't we just like kick this old school? You know, like I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses and the reeds?
Mark: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.

View Quote Mark: [singing] If you can't decide between a little breakfast and lunch, why don't you microwave yourself a little bowl of brunch?

View Quote Mother **** titty-sucking two-balled bitch!

View Quote (after shooting the communicator) Boring conversation anyway.

View Quote Three tits. That's awesome.

View Quote Mahoney: You're here?
Henry: Apparently.
Mahoney: But not actually?

View Quote Mr. Magorium: Name the Fibonacci series from its eleventh to its sixteenth.
Henry: Umm... 89, 144, 233, 377, 610?
Mr. Magorium: Perfect. Number four, do we really need it?
Henry: If you like squares - you do.
Mr. Magorium: Oh, I like squares. Good. Now, the hot dog, the hot dog/bun ratio, why for the love of mustard are there never enough buns?
Henry: Extra hot dogs.
Mr. Magorium: Yes, but why?
Henry: In case you drop a couple.
Mr. Magorium: What kind of insufferable fool drops a hot dog?
Henry: Anything can happen, sir.
Mr. Magorium: Anything can happen. How absolutely true. You're exactly the mutant I'm looking for! You're hired.

View Quote Mahoney: Good morning.
Magorium: Let's open this door.
Narrator: Welcome to Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
Barbara: How much is that fish mobile up there?
Magorium: That's 50 dollars.
Barbara: Don't you think that's a little high?
Magorium: If you notice, they are fresh fish.
Narrator: Then the store is alive, and wonders never cease.
Mahoney: It's magic.
Narrator: Til now.
Henry: It's not real nice to stare at people. I'm Henry Weston. You count it. What if you serious problems, you've had several fictional characters on the books.
Magorium: Like home?
Henry: The King Of Planet Beyond Way.
Magorium: Oh, he's not fictional.
Mahoney: Sir, why do we need an accountant?
Magorium: I'm leaving.
Mahoney: You're leaving?
Magorium: I'm giving you the store.
Mahoney: You're giving me the store?
Magorium: Surprise! The store isn't upset as indicated by imper tantrum.
Henry: Temper tantrum?
Mahoney: I would like a lollipop.
Magorium: It's a magical toy store. It can do all sorts of things.
Henry: How's the snake is a magical toy store?
Mahoney: Of course, there is.
Henry: What do you say magical do you mean special?
Mahoney: Magical.
Henry: How about really really cool?
Mahoney: Magical.
Henry: Wow.
Magorium: Order to order! Fetch! Stupid zebra.
Mahoney: Are we going around an adventure?
Magorium: Find yourself someone you've never imagined.
Narrator: Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.
Mahoney: Come on. Get out of there. Bouncy balls always trying to escape.

View Quote [to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.

View Quote Josh: Mary, why do you even have a minivan? You don't have kids.
Mary: I buy in bulk!
Josh Parker: Can this thing handle snow?
Mary: Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.

View Quote Jeremy: Mary just **** cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!
Josh: [tries to shoo him away] Okay, off you go.
Jeremy: She is like a poisonous **** cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my **** hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!
Josh: It is.
[Jeremy leaves]
Walter Davis: He's in customer service?
Josh: Yeah. He's much better on the phone.

View Quote Oh, my God! [Judy: What? What?!] The Velvety Pipes of Jerry Vole! [smirks]

View Quote All right, look, everyone comes to Zootopia thinking they can be anything they want. Well, you can’t. You can only be what you are. Sly fox, dumb bunny. [Judy: I am not a dumb bunny.] Right. [points down to a cement] And that's not wet cement.

View Quote Pawpsicles! Get your pawpsicles!

View Quote [first lines, narrating] I get to work before the sun comes up, and I leave long after it's gone down. I haven't had sex in six months with someone other than myself and the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi. No way to tell.

View Quote Nick: [to the forthwall] The only hitch? I work for this guy, David Harken... who right now is giving me some old shit for killing two people. He's a total **** asshole.
Harken: If that's the case, I'm gonna have to fire Mat, our longtime security coordinator.
Nick: Ok, I may have been two minutes late.
Harken: I'm a green belt, mother****er...
Nick: What?
Harken: Yeah. All right?
Nick: Okay.
Harken: Now, I know you've been working your tail off for that promotion.
Harken: But I'm not sure I can even consider...
Harken: ...making you the senior vice president of sales ... if I can't trust you.
Nick: You can trust me.
Harken: Yeah, now you sound like my wife. “You can trust me. Just trust me, honey. Nothing’s happening behind your back. Trust me, trust me, trust me.” Meanwhile, she’s **** every guy in the neighborhood.
Kohead: I have no idea why he thought you were so **** special.
Kohead: But that doesn't matter now, cause he's in the ground, and I'm your boss, and you know -there's gonna be some changes around here.
Nick: - Can't wait to hear them. [w/ big smile]
Kohead: - First things first. EnviroTech Waste Management.
Kohead: It's costing us a lot of money. [picking his ear w/ hand]
Harken: It's like you don't care about this company at all.
Kohead: No **** shit I don't care about this company. This is just an ATM to me. You think when I was a kid I dreamed of running a **** chemical company? No. I dreamed of being on a beach with a model serving me tropical drinks. That's what I dreamed of. and that's what's gonna happen...
Nick: Why would I stay after being treated like this?
Harken: Well, because I'd make sure that nobody in the industry would ever hire you again.
Nick: Bullshit.
Harken: No, because they're gonna want my letter of recommendation, right? So I'm perfectly willing to write that you are an insubordinate, dishonest drunk.
Nick: You can't do that. That's not true.
Harken: Let me tell you something, you stupid little runt. I own you. You're my bitch. Don't walk around thinking you have free will because you don't. I can crush you any time I want. So settle in because you are here for the long haul.

View Quote Dale Arbus: [at Kurt's house, he is telling Nick and Kurt his plan to meet up to set up the murderous plot] I don't have it all figured out. I got some of it figured out.
Kurt Buckman: Okay.
Dale Arbus: So I'm gonna go home and start.
Kurt Buckman: Okay. All right? I'm gonna go home, too.
Nick Hendricks: Yeah. You are. This is your house here.
Kurt Buckman: [while Nick is taking a sip of beer] Oh. I couldn't tell that by the way you were going in and out of my fridge, drinking my **** beer.
Kurt Buckman: [after Nick flatly spits some beer back into his bottle] No, no...
Nick Hendricks: Enjoy.

View Quote Friends don't steal friends' identities, do they?

View Quote Sandy Patterson: You're diabolical.
Diana: Thank you.
Sandy Patterson: That's not a compliment.
Diana: I know.
Sandy Patterson: I said no jewelry.
Diana: Oh, were you serious?
Sandy Patterson: Yeah.
Diana: You've got to work on your tone.