Dale
(Nick, Kurt and Dale are attempting to sneak into Rex's house)
Wait. Shit. What if he's in there?
Kurt
Oh, yeah. How do we make sure he's not?
Nick
(sarcastically)
I don't know. Why don't you guys ring the doorbell while you're hot?
Kurt
(taking sarcasm seriously)
I love it. Smart.
Nick
No. Don't. Don't, Kurt!
Dale
(Kurt rings the doorbell, which rings 7 notes from Badfinger's "No Matter What"; Dale and Nick run and take cover)
Oh, shit! Are you kidding?!
Kurt
You know, it's pretty dark in there. I don't think anybody's here.
Nick
(rings doorbell a second time)
Don't...don't hit it again!
Kurt
You hear that?
Dale
I know that song.
Kurt
Huh? What is that?
Kurt
It's a song, right? Is it... (singing) No matter what you do...
Nick
No, no.
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing)
I will always be with you...
Dale
Who sings that?
Kurt
Badfinger.
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing)
Doesn't matter what you do girl...
Nick
(whispers)
Quiet!
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing, ignoring Nick)
Ooh, girl with you...
Nick
You nailed it.
DA Dale and Kurt
(singing loudly, still ignoring Nick)
Knock on this old gray wall!
Nick
(whispering loudly)
Shut the **** up!!
Kurt
(after waking up out of Rex's closet, only to find him gone)
Will you look at this **** view during the daytime? You kidding me? Unbelievable!
Nick
He seems gone. Bed's made.
Kurt
I can't believe this.
Dale
We should maybe just check (yelling) HEY! REX!
Nick
Hey.
Dale
REX! REX!
Nick
Dale!
Dale
Huh?
Nick
Did you have a plan if he responded?
Dale
I didn't think that far ahead.
Nick
Of course you didn't.
Kurt
I would have been just quieter.
Nick
You're even dumber in the mornings.
Kurt
(the following is seen in the extended version only)
What are you worried about?
Nick
Let's go.
Dale
Fifty-fifty chance, you know. Fifty-fifty chance he was here.
(Nick is attempting to call Bert on a dark phone that Kurt seemingly left on the bench for him to await instructions, however a cell phone rings in Kurt's pocket, he gets it out)
Dale
Hey, what's that? Who's calling you?
Kurt
I don't know. It's blocked.
Nick
(realizes Kurt has the dark phone)
Oh, no.
Kurt
(answers phone)
Hello.
Nick
(right behind Kurt)
Hi.
Kurt
(does not know that it is Nick)
Who is this?
Nick
It's me, dickless! (angrily slams phone to the ground)
Kurt
Hey, what are you doing? You're supposed to call the dark phone.
Nick
I did! You've got it in your hand. You were supposed to tape that under the bench.
Kurt
(after finding out that Kurt left Bert his own phone instead of the dark phone on the bench)
Oh...
Dale
Oh, shit! So, what phone does he have?!
Nick
Bert has Kurt's phone, with our contact information on it.
Dale
(starts to hit Kurt)
And all the pictures of us from when we used to be friends? Are you kidding me?!
Kurt
Easy, easy, easy. Knock it off! Okay, look, this is no big deal, all right? We'll just punt. We'll do it tomorrow. All right? I mean, as long as we don't call the phone, he'll never find it.
Nick
He found it.
Kurt
What? How? We are screwed. Shit!
Dale
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I got an idea. I got an idea.
Dale
(theatrical version)
Okay, call your phone. If he's talking on it, he's not gonna look through it and see all the contacts.
Kurt
That's a great idea. Great idea. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. All right. Ahem.
Dale
(extended version)
Okay, I'm gonna call that phone. If he's talking on it, he's not gonna look through it.
Kurt
Yes! Call my phone! Call my number. Good.
Dale
All right. All right. What's your number? What's your number?
Kurt
You don't know my phone number?!
Dale
I don't know my phone number.
Kurt
Well, I don't know it. I never call myself.
Nick
I know both of your numbers. Area code 323...
Kurt
That's all I need. That's all I need.
Dale
He just has to do that. Uh, 69 and...
Kurt
I got there. I got there. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. All right. Ahem.
Nick
Guys, I'm not gonna kidnap someone based on 9 to 5.
Dean 'MF' Jones: That's because you're Jane Fonda.
Kurt
Ooh, snap.
Dale
That's right, you're the scaredy-cat one. You're always the last to man up about everything. You're dragging your feet.
Dale
(the following is seen in the extended version only)
What--why are you here if you're not gonna participate?
Nick
First of all, if anyone, I'm the smart one. I'm Lily Tomlin. But I'm not having this conversation
Kurt
Honky, please, I'm Lily **** Tomlin, if anybody is. Sitting in the big chair, giving David O. Russell shit.
Dale
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got the 'tude. He's got the 'tude. You're Fonda, man.
Kurt
You're Jane Fonda. That makes you Jane Fonda.
Nick
(to Dale)
That makes you Dolly Parton.
Kurt
Ooh.
Dale
Great. Woman's got her own theme park. She's a national treasure.
Kurt
She has two national treasures.
(end of extended version) Dean 'MF' Jones: Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Nick
Happened a long time ago.
Dean 'MF' Jones: How do you kidnap somebody without them knowing they've been kidnapped?
Nick
Are you guys shitting me in there?
Dale
Well, I mean, his dad sold him out for, like...honestly, it was probably nothing to him.
Kurt
Pennies to him.
Dale
The guy's so rich.
Kurt
That would rock me to my core. I mean, have a little empathy, Nick. Please?
Dale
Yeah.
Dale
(the following is seen in the extended version only)
You know what's going on? You're holding a grudge right now.
Nick
Oh, am I?
Kurt
Yes, you do. You're a grudge holder. You do.
Dale
(simultaneously)
Yes, you do that. You get all tight, and then you're going to get cancer doing that.
Kurt
You got to let the past be the past.
Nick
I don't want that.
Dale
Let the past be the past.
Kurt
Just let it...let it roll off you.
Nick
(simultaneously)
Yeah. The past? We're not in the **** past. We're in the goddamn present. And you guys are...
Nick
(end of extended version)
What are you talking about? You're acting like you have Stockholm Syndrome.
Dale
What is that?
Kurt
Like, jet lag?
Nick
No.
Dale
Dude, do I look tired to you?
Nick
You don't, no.
Kurt
You don't look tired to me.
Dale
I'm fine.
Nick
Stockholm Syndrome's when you bond with your captors, idiots.
Kurt
Oh, okay. Well then, hold on a second. He's the hostage. So, technically, this would be reverse Stockholm Syndrome.
Nick
Yes, true.
Dale
Yeah, and we don't have that. Okay? He's just a really, really, really, really, really likable guy. I like him a lot.
Kurt
He's really likable.
Dale
He's cool. The guy's a winner.
Kurt
That's so true.
Dale
It's so nice to be around a winner for a change.
Kurt
Oh, it feels right Nick! Come on, man.
Nick
Here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna go in there. We're gonna tell him cops were never a part of this plan, and the shit ends now. Let's do it.
Nick
(theatrical version)
Come on!
Kurt
(extended version)
Okay. But you got to hear us out about festering.
Dale
I mean, it's like you can't have a conversation with the guy.
Dale
(while waiting for the train to pass by)
Hey can I hop out and piss really quick?
Nick
No you cannot. We're in a car chase.
Dale
Super long train. I feel like I could get it done.
Kurt
It is a lot of freight.
Dale
(later while they are still waiting for the train to pass by)
I feel like I could've pissed by now.
Nick
Let him go. Open the door. Get him out.
Dean 'MF' Jones: Caboose coming.
Dale
Ah, shit!
(car chase resumes)
Dale
(in the extended version, while Dale and Kurt are hiding in the men's bathroom during Julia's sex addiction group in session)
Oh, ****, I have to piss.
Kurt
What?
Dale
I have to piss. I'm nervous. I have to piss. I'm sorry.
Kurt
Shh! Go, go, pee, just pee.
Dale
It's gonna make too much noise.
Kurt
No, no, no. Put your--put your--just dip your dick into--into the toilet.
Dale
Oh, sit down and do it? Okay.
Kurt
Yeah, yeah.
Dale
(unzips his zipper but notices...)
It doesn't reach.
Kurt
What?
Dale
It doesn't reach. Should it reach?
Kurt
I mean...I don't know if it's about "should", but...
Dale
I'll put the seat up.
Kurt
Put the--yeah, put the seat up and just dip your butt in the bowl.
Dale
(while urinating)
Oh, my god. (flushes toilet) Oh, there we go.
Kurt
Shh! Shh!
Dale
Oh, shit! Sorry.
Kurt
Shh! It's okay.
Dale
Sorry, I always flush.
Kurt
It's all right.
Dale
Okay. I'm just gonna wash my hands really quick.
Kurt
No! What are you gonna wash your hands for?
Dale
Huh?
Kurt
Why are you gonna wash your hands?
Dale
I always wash my hands.
Kurt
You have gloves on.
Dale
I know, but probably, you know some stuff gets under there.
Kurt
Fine, fine, just be quiet.
Dale
Let me just wash them really quick. I'll feel better about them.
Kurt
Okay, okay.
Kurt
(Dale starts washing his hands)
Shh! Shh!
Kurt
(Dale starts getting paper towels from the dispenser, causing loud rustling)
Oh, my God, Dale, stop it.
Dale
Huh?
Kurt
There is--there is literally no element of sneak in anything you're doing.
Dale
It's just gross not to.
Kurt
Oh, I gotta go now too.
Dale
You gotta go?
Kurt
Yeah.
Dale
(Kurt starts urinating, then whistles as he does so)
Do you golf with the other hand? Shh! Don't whistle!
Kurt
I have to. The only way to get this train going. (continues whistling)
Dale
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Dale
(Kurt flushes the toilet)
Why did you flush?!
Kurt
It just happens!
Dale
Why did you flush?!
Kurt
It's a good habit!
Dale
Shit! Shh! Shh!
(Kurt repeats everything Dale did, then opens the trash bin next to him)
